I am breathing.
Today, I AM ALIVE with the glory of Yah’s blessings.
My body hurts, but my heart is full of love for Yahusha’s guiding light in my life.
Today I needed yet another quick visit to the doctor to pull blood, draw some diagrams of the upcoming few months of my financial life (not really, but I’d love to have a few!) and to get a few things sorted out.
I cried in the parking lot for a good ten minutes before I went in there.
I couldn’t believe I was sitting here at the oncologist. I’m not even 30 and I am here trying to piece my life together after this earth shattering journey.
How do we pick ourselves up when there’s nothing left to fall back on? I asked myself. My heart pounded in my chest and I felt my forehead beginning to throb in another self induced migraine from all the crying. To help calm my racing anxieties I reached for my scriptures that lay in my bag on the seat next to me. I prayed for about a minute for the strength I needed to walk in those doors and not just flee from the entire situation.
This is the first passage that sprang to my eyes after I opened His Word in my lap.
Be strong and courageous, do not fear nor be afraid of them. For it is your Elohim who is going with you. He does not fail you nor forsake you. [Deu/Deb 31:6]
My eyes welled with tears… but this time for an entirely different reason. My heart was touched. In the midst of my fear and panic… Yah had seen me, and He’d given me His word that He was by my side.
It is so easy to forget that our Father holds us in our moments of weakness. Unfortunately it is far more accessible to our minds that we are alone and the world is crumbling around our very bodies. I struggle with anxiety and I continuously try to challenge it… but I am often not the winner in these fights. But that doesn’t stop me from trying. I am grateful that I reach for the Scripture now instead of balling myself mentally and letting my anxiety and depression beat me up.
It’s going to be a long journey… but it’s going to be one that I am not going to face alone. There may not be anyone with me physically and that may hurt beyond measure… but Yahuah will never leave my side. He will never forsake nor fail me. What better warrior to have on our sides than the Creator of All, and our Elder Brother? What better spirit to fill our bones than the Ruach? Hllyh.
So I read and re-read the message my Father had for me. I wiped my face with a balled up napkin I found in my car (don’t judge me!) and I took a few seconds to calm my breathing. Unfortunately… the people inside were all too used to my crying face and we had an unspoken agreement not to talk about the red puffiness etched all over my nose and eyes. I gathered my book bag and as I stood there locking my car… I thought…. how thankful I was that my Father had sent me such a loving message. I’d have never gotten out of the car without His encouragement.
And I began walking. I walked towards the doors… with Yahuah’s arm along my back. Yes I was still crying… but I was able to keep a calmer exterior and keep my stride a little steady. I was able to move forward.
Today I pray that you are all blessed and that your day does not become filled with fear nor anger like mine had. I pray that your hearts are touched just as mine was by Messiah, by Elohim, by the Ruach. I pray that all my brothers and sisters may have this kind of moment every day in their lives so that they may experience the love that our Father has for us.