I guess in the back of my mind, I am still hoping this is all not real. That they are going to say they’re sorry and there’s been some sort of mistake… but I can’t go back on this bilateral oophorectomy. I can’t just wake up from this type of nightmare.
I guess I am still shaking from the surgery and from the loss of the last hope of support I had left near me. How could you walk out on the days RIGHT AFTER my surgery? When I’d be my weakest, and unable to protest?
I’m slowly walking around more and more. The painkillers are helping with trying to get back to my “new normal” (overused) routine. There wasn’t a large incision so I don’t feel AS sore… but day two was a walking Sheoul on earth. The pain was indescribable… I had “woken up” from the last of the industrial grade (ha) pain killing substances & I regretted it immediately. Today the emotions are finally finding their way into my brain but not fully. I am still in severe pain but I am focused on that right now because it’s physical so it’s present in my mind. But the emotional, the mental torrent… I know it’s coming down faster and faster than I’m going to be ready for.
I wish you were checking in on me still. I miss you. I know you’re freaking out about this just as much as I am… if not more. You were so scared of all of this happening to me. I wonder where you are at right now and what you’re doing. I need something mentally to distract me from the pain in my wo… in my abdomen. I’m done now with this update…. that reminder (unintentional) hurt… I’ll write better things later.