It’s weird just how many things make sense now with my diagnosis over the past several years.
- Why I was always so tired and fatigued day after day.
- Why sitting for extended periods of time and laying curled up agitated my stomach and gave me stomach aches.
- Why my appetite began decreasing over the last two years, causing me to fluctuate between weights.
- The ever- recurrent stomach aches that were so intense I’d stay bed bound for at least a day or pop handfuls of ibuprofen just to get through college days.
- My lower back aches and hip pains after walking too long.
But most of all… my body anxiety… I am so happy to finally have an explanation for why I felt so unnerved and scared to do anything that might cause me discomfort physically. My relationships suffered plenty because of my unwillingness to drive due to my anxiety, my recurrent fatigue, and withdrawing from social situations.
When I was feeling good, I was great! But when my stomach started hurting and I started bleeding, I’d withdraw into myself and pull away from doing anything. And I’d feel extremely guilty because I had no explanation other than “I’m not feeling well” which didn’t quite cover the case.
I wish I could go back in time and tell myself to go get checked a lot sooner than I had because maybe my relationship would have survived (just maybe.) Maybe I wouldn’t feel so awful about being so withdrawn without credible explanation. I’m now on anxiety medications and I know what’s the cause of my stomach pains… it’s extreme, but maybe we could have figured this out together sooner. I finally have the ability to do the things you always wanted because I am finally receiving the care I should have years ago… but it’s too late.
Things would have been different for me, I wouldn’t feel so horrible about my anxiety and my pains. I’d have been more open about the strange bleeding and taken better concern to my issues. But.. que sera, sera.
Yahuah gives to us, and He takes away. I’m struggling to find meaning in my journey at the moment. Maybe this is the life He chose for me anyway – the road to cancerous danger and death, and you were given the road to family happiness. All has its own time as there is a time for everything under the stars… and I am struggling to manage my own time. But Yahusha has been guiding my heart towards where I need to go no matter how much I don’t want to go there.