It’s another day of recovery, praise Yah.
As I weed through the memories that I need to forsake and remove from my heart, I think on the practice of removing this physical leaven from my life. I think on the spiritual level.
With cancer life gets full of unnecessary negativity. It becomes suffocating and hard to wade through. I held tightly to promises that I shouldn’t have that were made at the beginning of my diagnosis because I wanted desperately to believe I wasn’t alone… though, in the end, those promises were ultimately hollow.
I work through my grief in different ways depending on the subject. As I gear up to celebrate my FIRST set of Spring Feasts, I am reflecting on my year. Cancer has been one hell of a journey so far. I am scared and I am trying my best to mourn the person I wanted to be as effectively as possible. What this means looks different to everyone (according to the doctor), but it’s important that I reflect so that I can move forward.
People who don’t understand the pains and loneliness that cancer and sickness bring are often on a different timeline of grieving than we are. They expect us to get over and past things that they’ve already grieved themselves quicker than we realistically can. But piles of emotional problems and doctor’s visits alongside managing everyone else’s reactions to your cancer are not things they see on the daily end.
We can’t move past things sometimes because we’re busy moving past and mourning other things, bigger things, than ourselves.
My body is weak and so is my heart sometimes, most times. I am trying to press forward and beyond this time in my life but the weight of cancerous tumors drags me to the back of the line oftentimes. I want to get on the same timeline as everyone else but I simply can’t do it. I can keep trying or I can accept the timeline that Yahuah has given to me instead.
My heart is not as clean as I’d like it to be before the Spring feasts, but my spirit is trying harder than it has ever tried to get closer to Him. I want Him to smile at the world and see that there is still some good left here.
Let no one tell you that you’re not doing good enough, that you’re not working along to their timeline. Let NO ONE command you except for Yahuah, Yahusha, and our Ruach. If you submit your apologies and your repentance, let it be to Yah. No man should command your heart or your healing to go in the way they want it to go. If you’re still healing and mourning the loss of a loved one, then mourn and heal on your timeline! They cannot live that pain for you, they can only watch and complain from the sidelines.
Only Yah searches the hearts and knows the souls of His followers.
This weekend was difficult, but much will come from it. I finally stood up for myself against one of my most painful memories and ultimately am better for it despite my pain.
Timelines are tragedies in their own rights. I don’t believe that there are true timelines we are meant to follow. I am trying my hardest to finish my own time in my own way, healing as best I can before Yah comes to my side to take me. I am working through my emotions and my pains. I am trying to make Him smile.