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Yahuah Reigns, Yahusha Saves!

Often, I wonder how I can feel like I am doing all the right things and yet still be getting sicker. Still be getting worse and worse news. Still be suffering and left wondering, where am I going wrong?

Cancer is a total and all-encompassing disease that sometimes I find hard to believe isn’t just manufactured to replicate income sales for “Big Pharma”. I find it uncomfortable to believe that Yahuah, the Most High, would afflict anyone in His flock with this devastation.

After my recent suicide attempt and hospitalization my doctors decided removing my medications was negligent (my words, not theirs) and replaced my dosages with max’d out numbers again, plus another to help stabilize my depression. It’s left me feeling… number than I thought… but at least I am not actively suicidal. I can deal with my thoughts by placing the boxes in the backroom of the broken down conveyor warehouse and go on with my day.

I have all the more check-ins, constant questions of “how is your day going” from nurses, and pin pricks, needle points, blood draws, and eventually more invasive procedures. But I still ask myself… how am I getting sicker? Is Yahuah angry with me, am I continuing to do all the more bad than good in His eyes so this is His answer?

I attempted to end my life because of a myriad of reasons I may eventually right about but one of them was because I felt I wasn’t good enough for Yahuah. I know He sent me this news to teach me more lessons on valuing my life and I don’t understand why He continues to save it (that makes 16 suicide attempts in my 30 years.) I don’t understand anything. I don’t want to pretend that I do because I know I don’t understand the ways of Yah.

Storm sickness rocked my weekend. I threw up blood and migraines popped vessels in my eyes. I feel like I am guilty of sins I don’t know anything about. I’m beginning to live in a state of constant fear and even more anxiety that I am doing wrong by Yah and this is why my life is becoming so increasingly difficult. Because I’m not good enough.

I don’t want to live like this, I know He is an all encompassing love and gentle to His flock. Logically I understand that. But emotionally I am a frightened sheep wandering too close to the edge of a cliff.

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  1. May 30, 2020

    Thank you sister so much!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Jasmine the bookworm #
    May 30, 2020

    ~1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
    ~Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; Do not be dismayed, For I am your Elohim. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
    Those are some comforting verses you could tell yourself everyday. You are enough! Yahuah doesn’t expect perfection! Strive each day to eliminate sin and strengthen you faith for his healings. No one except Yahweh was completely sinless just try your very best, also let go of any unforgiveness and you will feel so much better! I am going to pray for you everyday

    ~ Sister in Yahuah 🌾

    Liked by 1 person

  3. May 26, 2020

    I am so sorry you’re going through this. I can’t imagine what you face everyday. God really does love you more than you’ll ever know and I believe He has amazing things for you. You will be able to help encourage others sharing your story. Hang in there. I’m praying for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. May 26, 2020

    May God’s love overwhelm you. Praying for you strong woman.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. May 26, 2020

    I am praying for you! I can’t understand what you are going through, but God knows. I pray for your comfort and peace.

    Liked by 1 person

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