First and foremost… mommy misses you. More than anything, mommy loves you and misses you. I think about you every single night and day, I think about what beautiful little hearts you all would have been if you had been given the chance to be fully realized. I think about your smiles, your laughter, your crying and your careful determinations. I wonder about your hopes and dreams and fears. Mommy absolutely adores all of you that I’ve lost.
My last child was named Zora. She was my sweet and big little girl, my sunshine, my dawn. She was my everything in those moments, just like her sisters were before her. I eagerly anticipated her just like I did with all of my other babies, and I prayed heartily for her arrival. She was my sweetest. I bought a baby blanket in eager anticipation… I bought it for her arrival to my home. To my waiting arms. I think of her often, I lost her in late July. It’s no wonder my sweet little girl is on my mind.
Zora was my greatest heart’s last desire in my old life, before it became Yahuah’s love. Oh how I loved her so dearly. I let myself become so attached to my child. And I could see her protruding awkwardly out of my belly, a tiny little bump of extreme joy. My heart was enamored. She was my little dawn. I could never have dreamed of a more perfect little bump than the one I had for my sweet, adorable little Zora.
Then there were my two little “twins”, so close together they were. My amazing little Tiny and my heart’s love, Little. They were before my Zora, my Z, they were the beginning of the last of my fruits. Oh how I absolutely adore them both! Little has a special, deep place in my heart. Tiny has her own little nook, wedged between her sisters, caught up in my love just like they are. But Little… she was the first big girl. She took me by a wave of surprise and I loved every single second of it. I was never afraid or uncertain… I always wanted them all. Oh how much I treasured Little. Her sweetness was all encompassing. I lost her in October, the 13th, and I lost a piece of my heart right with her.
Oh, but how could I not speak of their biggest sister, Anastasia? She was my oldest, now 11 in these years that have flown by. My delightful and spunky princess. I carried her for 7 months before I could no longer go forward with the pregnancy due to health complications. She was my entire reality, my entire world, my entire heart. She’d be 11 this year. Momma always put her first before everything, trying to save her from a life of of pain and torture. I lost her though. And the day I lost my first child was the day I lost myself, in a way.
I’ll never stop loving my little brood of girls (or boys, but in my mind I always thought of the children as girls due to my first being a sweet little princess.) I never got to hear them crying for me, or singing nonsense songs, I never heard their laughter or their screams. I held my Anastasia and I wish I’d never had to let go … and a part of me never has.
How much I love my sweet children. I could never write the entirety of the depths of my love because I’d never stop writing. My children were my every single thought and my every heartbeat.
But I stand at the eve of my final trade off. My children for another’s. Mommy misses you all more than life itself. Without you, mommy has been like a sailboat lost at sea with no hopes of returning to shore. And now without my uterus, even the most expensive forms of biological reproduction will be absent to me. But cancer has eaten you all alive and I am desperately so sorry for the pains mommy has caused you all.
Mommy loves you. Mommy is extremely sorry for all the pain she’s put you all through. I wasn’t good enough to be your mother on this earth, but Yahuah is with You all, and I hope you’re all playing nicely with your Elder Brother. I pray that I make it to your world, the world of the Wakened, I pray that we meet again and I will shower you all with the hugs and kisses you never received but that you all deserve. You’re all my dearest loves. I hope to be there soon for you all.
You see, mommy lost her heart when she lost you. I’ve been investing the last shard of it that I have in Yah’s instructions so that you all may have the best life that I could never provide for you. As much as I want to see you… it will be enough to know you all are sleeping together and safe. Away from this world and it’s evils… all together, all loved beyond any measure.
Someone in this world adores you all, someone in this world misses you every single hour of the day. Someone in this world prays for you.
Yahuah, take my children and give them the best of Your love, if I can request it at all. I’ll never be able to have any further children of my own body, but these are the ones that I give to you. I know you cherish them just as much, if not more, than I do… but it’s so hard for a mommy to let go of her baby’s hands.