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Yahuah Reigns, Yahusha Saves!

Though I undergo my own cancer, I can’t help but weep at the world as it continues to struggle within its own cancerous growth of hatred and ignorance.

We are the disease that consumes our own planet with little care. We tear our own people limb from limb on basis of bigotry, racism, and paranoia. We are the pagans that drink the blood of the innocent in some sort of ethnic genocide… what are we doing so far away from Yahuah’s commands?

I can’t fathom the riots. I can’t imagine the pains of the thousands and thousands of people who are suffering at the hands of the racist tumor that continues to strip us of any sort of saving grace.

My skin affords me a favorable privilege amongst the nations… but it shouldn’t be so. We shouldn’t be killing and demolishing anyone unfair in our eyes aesthetically because of our paranoid thoughts and systematic oppressionist views. The system is beyond broken. Pretending it doesn’t exist will not make the world equal in the background of your sunshine and kombucha lens. There will be murder, mayhem, and racism rampant.

How can we find Yahuah once more? At what point will we be fearful of Him and return? We are a disgraced children…. we are a growth full of pus and slimed with terrorism. At what point do we find our Original Parent once more? …Will He find us once more and continue to allow us to walk?

Go on and live your daily lives. Pretend your neck is not being kneeled upon, pretend your trachea and esophagus are not being torn from your flesh… hide behind the lenses of everyday routines and the blur of daily grievances. If this makes you uncomfortable understand the privilege that that feeling disguises. Ask yourself introspective questions about the state of the US and educate yourself on the matters at hand.

We are heading further and further into the black tar pits of Sheoul… choose your path with care.

All moved into my new room!

And now I am preparing for my uterine removal surgery!

I pray that my second surgery will go well. Yah will see me through it just like He did before. So many things to get done in my new place, so many things to get prepared and ready, so many things!

I am extremely nervous honestly. It’s bringing about a myriad of emotions once again… I know they already removed my ovaries, but the thought of a hysterectomy frightens me beyond belief. I don’t know how to deal with these emotions… so right now I just won’t because I have to unpack and get meals ready, get my bed space ready… so many things to prepare for.

Often, I wonder how I can feel like I am doing all the right things and yet still be getting sicker. Still be getting worse and worse news. Still be suffering and left wondering, where am I going wrong?

Cancer is a total and all-encompassing disease that sometimes I find hard to believe isn’t just manufactured to replicate income sales for “Big Pharma”. I find it uncomfortable to believe that Yahuah, the Most High, would afflict anyone in His flock with this devastation.

After my recent suicide attempt and hospitalization my doctors decided removing my medications was negligent (my words, not theirs) and replaced my dosages with max’d out numbers again, plus another to help stabilize my depression. It’s left me feeling… number than I thought… but at least I am not actively suicidal. I can deal with my thoughts by placing the boxes in the backroom of the broken down conveyor warehouse and go on with my day.

I have all the more check-ins, constant questions of “how is your day going” from nurses, and pin pricks, needle points, blood draws, and eventually more invasive procedures. But I still ask myself… how am I getting sicker? Is Yahuah angry with me, am I continuing to do all the more bad than good in His eyes so this is His answer?

I attempted to end my life because of a myriad of reasons I may eventually right about but one of them was because I felt I wasn’t good enough for Yahuah. I know He sent me this news to teach me more lessons on valuing my life and I don’t understand why He continues to save it (that makes 16 suicide attempts in my 30 years.) I don’t understand anything. I don’t want to pretend that I do because I know I don’t understand the ways of Yah.

Storm sickness rocked my weekend. I threw up blood and migraines popped vessels in my eyes. I feel like I am guilty of sins I don’t know anything about. I’m beginning to live in a state of constant fear and even more anxiety that I am doing wrong by Yah and this is why my life is becoming so increasingly difficult. Because I’m not good enough.

I don’t want to live like this, I know He is an all encompassing love and gentle to His flock. Logically I understand that. But emotionally I am a frightened sheep wandering too close to the edge of a cliff.

Today was an exhausting and trying day. I don’t feel ready to face anything so I am finding myself hiding more and more from myself. Though… you can’t hide from yourself and your own body.

Depleted. I feel depleted. I knew there was going to be bad news. I’m alone facing the news and the fears, the tidal pool of depressive downs… everything. I understand why but it doesn’t make it much easier.

The reality of cancer is depletion and decay.

The reality of the attempt of my life hasn’t faded and won’t fade away. I feel this is punishment for that attempt and I’m understanding of it. I’m still alone and I still want to be hugged. Everything is a blur of activity but I feel like a hollow little ghost amidst it all… barely existing, barely moving, barely anything. A wisp of a girl that … just can’t feel anything other than fatigue.

Yahuah sends the waves that knock us over, and He sends the calmest of waters. I’m waiting for my calm waters. I’m praying my hardest to find the guidance that I need and the strength to pursue the Truth.

Have I lost my light? Yahusha please find my voice… I feel like I’ve lost it to my body’s vicious cycle of altered “renewal”.

Lean not on your own understanding… someone commented this on my last post and I needed it to keep myself together. I read all of your responses and I am grateful for your words of encouragement. Thank you for them.

Preparing for my surgery again… removal of my uterus.

Total hysterectomy, with a planned masectomy due to testing positive for a biological indicator of breast cancer growing as well.

I don’t know what else to say.

I tried to end my life recently.

I’m currently on mandated out-patient treatment for both sicknesses. Neither is going well. I still feel hollow and empty, and extremely unhappy.

Today is just too hard to face, especially with the situation of the last two years weighing over my head… I can’t take it anymore.

I am thankful today for the sacrifices made by my elder Brother. For all that He has done for my life, I want to sit and be still. I want to thank Yahusha for all He sees fit to help me accomplish.

Today I sit outside and reflect on my scriptures. I am shamed of my crookedness that has caused my Yahusha so much problems trying to help me fix… But I am grateful for His work.

Smile today my friends because it is Shabbat and it is a day to set apart for the love of our Yah.

I pray for you all and that you all find your cleansing. I pray that you find reasons to smile and reasons to laugh. I set aside this moment to thank Yahusha for your time and your lives flourishing. đź’• thank you Yahusha!

It’s coming soon, and I can feel the strings of sorrow beginning to emerge from under my skin… like the webblings of veins being tugged loose from a nerve center.

I don’t know what I will feel this year.

My removal surgery has greatly affected my mental health this year. I can only imagine the amount of sorrow and grief my heart will experience as Mother’s Day is celebrated by the nations. As stupid as it is, I find it difficult to let go of that day because of all of my losses – I grew up in the nations with that day being a big reminder of motherhood and all things that I aspired to one day have. And now that my ovaries are gone… I will no longer biologically be able to produce my own children anymore. And that has a devastating toll on me.

I know I shouldn’t even count it as one of my days or give it a passing thought… but it always reminds me of the children I’ve carried in my womb. And all the little lives that are sleeping with their Father having been spared the shock of this world…. I should be grateful. I should ignore that day just like any other day… I should… I should I should. but how can I?

My heart is already in mourning and bitter anticipation of such a trainwreck of a day coming up on the calendar.

Praise Yahuah for another day on this earth, another day to pray and draw nearer to Him as we wait for the eternal.

Today I focus on Hebrews 7:25 to recall to mind the saving grace of Yahusha, our older Brother.

As I sit here in bed I wonder about the things that I cannot control. I have an anxiety disorder that often consumes my waking hours with intrusive thoughts and obsessive behaviors that I can’t control anymore. I spend a good amount of time frozen in fear. But I am trying to train myself to shy away from my fears of being forgotten and instead turn these moments into prayers to Yahusha.

Anxiety controls every aspect of my life. From what I wear to what I eat, and if I eat, what I say to what I think, it’s all enveloping. Yahusha has the power to rescue us and intercede on our behalf in any realm – including the anxious one. Should I just open my heart to prayers rather than compulsions I would be able to feel His presence nearer to me than I ever anticipated.

Yahusha, today I pray for Your help in discerning Your voice in my life.
I ask that You help me to hear You in my moments of anxiety and that You place Your calming hand on my life.

He is ready to intercede and is capable. Who could be here to condemn us when our First Fruits, our lamb, spilled His very own blood to interrupt our lives and our punishments to allow us chances to recover from loss and come back to our original parent. What truer love is there? Who can be against us when Yah is with us?

Today thank Him for interceding on our behalf. Today, thank Him.

Find yourselves moments to pray to Him and thank Him for all that He continues to do without our knowledge. Today thank Him for taking away the negative to bring forth the positive.

We are almost at the end of the Unleavened Week and I feel lighter than I have in the last year. Though my compulsions and my withdrawals are intense I feel less pressure and fear than I did last year. I have successfully removed all that holds me back and I am greater for the forsaken thoughts being taken than I ever was with them. There have been a lot of strong spiritual meditations where Yah speaks to me and helps me see the situations and people for who they really are. I’ve successfully come out of it with a healing heart in progress and condemned the part of me that held on for so long looking for apologies that would never come.

There will never be anyone who could intercede and love me the way Yahusha does. There will never exist a stronger, purer love than the one that Yah has in store for me. All I must do now is wait to enter into the Wakened life and be not afraid of this world and it’s troubles.