…things to think of and do before all of this collides.
…evils of the world that held me down and raped the innocence from my bones and my sinews, ravaging what purity there was left in my core.
… hopes for the better life that awaits when we Waken…
That’s all I recall. Count Backwards from 10. A Life-story of SeraYah, the dawn that evil tore down.
I’m tired of all these appointments and these late night vitals checks. I’m exhausted of the blood that pours out and ruins my pants for the evening. I cling my hardest to my Father and hold fast to hope that He will deliver the world from the birthing pains that encompass us all these days.
There’s so much more to do and to prepare with just a week left to count it all backwards. Hours to go be sliced open and days to recuperate enough to come back on my own. My own… on my own. I never wanted to be on my own for these kinds of things. I always wanted someone to sit next to me during it all and tell me it’s going to be okay because Yah will guide us. But that’s not the case. I have to be my own defender and my own strength yet again in my life. I wish things were different but I have grown to just accept that this is the way my reality is. And that’s okay. It has to be okay.
Count backwards from ten. Can you tell us your name?
In the back of my mind I wonder if I knew that something was horribly wrong all along which is why I avoided going to the Dr for years. I was afraid on a subconscious level that everything would definitely come crashing down and the visits would be the doorway to it all. But I didn’t understand even if I did know there was something deeply wrong. I barely understand now.
Count backwards from ten… 9 works and wonders that Yahusha performs so that the world will glorify its proper Father, Yahuah. 8 brothers and sisters gathered together to celebrate the feasts of our Father… 7 days of laughter and pain under one roof. 6 things I will never experience in my life.
Can you tell us where you’re from? Do you know what year it is?
It’s the year of terrible agony, horrible and devastating losses and ruptures around the globe. It’s the year evils have pervaded and perverted the reality that is today. Yah, can you find any good left in this world? May the reality find You and find Your love quickly. Though I think it’s too late for that anymore.
Count backwards from ten… can you tell us your name? My name is pain and my reality is cancer. My name is “Come to exam room one” and “Hold your arm steady for me please”. There’s so much in the world I was already afraid of and my body shouldn’t be an additional worry… but here we are.
Often, I wonder how I can feel like I am doing all the right things and yet still be getting sicker. Still be getting worse and worse news. Still be suffering and left wondering, where am I going wrong?
Cancer is a total and all-encompassing disease that sometimes I find hard to believe isn’t just manufactured to replicate income sales for “Big Pharma”. I find it uncomfortable to believe that Yahuah, the Most High, would afflict anyone in His flock with this devastation.
After my recent suicide attempt and hospitalization my doctors decided removing my medications was negligent (my words, not theirs) and replaced my dosages with max’d out numbers again, plus another to help stabilize my depression. It’s left me feeling… number than I thought… but at least I am not actively suicidal. I can deal with my thoughts by placing the boxes in the backroom of the broken down conveyor warehouse and go on with my day.
I have all the more check-ins, constant questions of “how is your day going” from nurses, and pin pricks, needle points, blood draws, and eventually more invasive procedures. But I still ask myself… how am I getting sicker? Is Yahuah angry with me, am I continuing to do all the more bad than good in His eyes so this is His answer?
I attempted to end my life because of a myriad of reasons I may eventually right about but one of them was because I felt I wasn’t good enough for Yahuah. I know He sent me this news to teach me more lessons on valuing my life and I don’t understand why He continues to save it (that makes 16 suicide attempts in my 30 years.) I don’t understand anything. I don’t want to pretend that I do because I know I don’t understand the ways of Yah.
Storm sickness rocked my weekend. I threw up blood and migraines popped vessels in my eyes. I feel like I am guilty of sins I don’t know anything about. I’m beginning to live in a state of constant fear and even more anxiety that I am doing wrong by Yah and this is why my life is becoming so increasingly difficult. Because I’m not good enough.
I don’t want to live like this, I know He is an all encompassing love and gentle to His flock. Logically I understand that. But emotionally I am a frightened sheep wandering too close to the edge of a cliff.
Today was an exhausting and trying day. I don’t feel ready to face anything so I am finding myself hiding more and more from myself. Though… you can’t hide from yourself and your own body.
Depleted. I feel depleted. I knew there was going to be bad news. I’m alone facing the news and the fears, the tidal pool of depressive downs… everything. I understand why but it doesn’t make it much easier.
The reality of cancer is depletion and decay.
The reality of the attempt of my life hasn’t faded and won’t fade away. I feel this is punishment for that attempt and I’m understanding of it. I’m still alone and I still want to be hugged. Everything is a blur of activity but I feel like a hollow little ghost amidst it all… barely existing, barely moving, barely anything. A wisp of a girl that … just can’t feel anything other than fatigue.
Yahuah sends the waves that knock us over, and He sends the calmest of waters. I’m waiting for my calm waters. I’m praying my hardest to find the guidance that I need and the strength to pursue the Truth.
Have I lost my light? Yahusha please find my voice… I feel like I’ve lost it to my body’s vicious cycle of altered “renewal”.
Lean not on your own understanding… someone commented this on my last post and I needed it to keep myself together. I read all of your responses and I am grateful for your words of encouragement. Thank you for them.
Today I write my notes on Humility, using my method of scripture study in order to read and help digest Philippians 2:7.
I am excited today that my handwriting has improved so much. I am now writing with my left hand in order to help combat essential tremors in my right hand predominantly. I think my handwriting has come out looking great over the many months of practice!!
Humility has different meanings to everyone. What one may view as humbling another many not. And that’s okay. You don’t need to agree to a universal. It’s difficult to accept that because the Scriptures are universal in themselves inherently. The people are divided and conquered by these differing methodologies unfortunately – but the principle of humbling oneself is one of the most common written about in the Scriptures. It’s easy to say that humbling is between oneself and Yahuah, but in the end that’s what it boils down to.
Yahuah truly searches the heart and knows the mind beyond even our own understanding. If we make others more important than ourselves, then we humble. For my own journey, humbling and crumbling often weigh the same amount of grain on the scales. It’s hard to accept that what we need for ourselves isn’t what others need for their own lives – we’re taught to help soothe pains in our hearts in order to heal and let go of things. That’s a principle I’ve held to – in order to properly let go, I need to hear certain phrases or be apologized to or take charge of speaking up for myself. After years of being silenced I found a voice and I intend to use it in order to allow myself power over the feelings that rot holes in my chest.
I am important and I am valid as a daughter in the eyes of Yahuah. I don’t want to let anyone rule over what my heart has and has not done, only Yahusha. I make my spirituality a vital aspect of my ruling life these days but I do not boast about it because I want to remain as humble as I can. I will freely speak on the subject when it is brought to me but I will go no further than I am invited because we are not meant to throw our pearls before the nations that would sooner crush them or cash them in for their own greed.
Humility is a lesson I am continually learning. Cancer has broken me down in ways that I never thought I could undergo. I have been humbled by ovarian cancer and it’s helped me to go to appointments and empathize with other people a lot better than I used to be able to.
I want to continually update this kind of post with new lessons because I believe humility is something we are always learning and always trying to perfect as we go along. So I will make this into a multiple update post. 🙂
Chemo has been REALLY hard on my body and my mind.
I am a lot of things right now… but I am weak most of all. Abba, why have you put me through this? I stand here caked in tears and blood before you. My Father where is the Light that only You can bring into my life?
Chemo is really painful and this is only my second round. I feel an unusual burst of writing so here I am. I thank you allll for your prayers and your well wishings, I read every single one of them and pray for your well-being.
I will get back on teaching about the wonders of Yahuah, His beautiful graces, and His healing love as soon as I can. Right now it’s all my energy to continue to lead the digital eFellowship I’ve created for the Austin area – AAWF. They’re learning about the love of Yahuah and His true name through my teachings. I am grateful He has asked me to do this much for Him though I be sick.
I am doing the best I can, Yahuah. Can you see me?
I’ve been working so much lately that it’s difficult to keep writing, but I wanted to let you know I am still around.
Though I may not like where I am at again I know I need to use the tools provided to me by Yah to try to keep food on my table. Cancer is painfully isolating, and painful in every other sense of the word. Right now I am angry. The other day, I thought I had accepted everything… no… now I feel right back at the beginning.
But I guess sickness like this is cyclical in nature. You never really get over certain stages of the grieving process because you’re always in mourning. There’s always something that you suddenly remember you may never be able to do again and it rekindles the process all over again.
The process… there’s so many processes that go into this. I feel like I can’t name them all to be honest because I haven’t gone through them all. I’m just a baby along this journey. There are far more that are experienced and farther along than I am.
My thoughts have turned to children so much these past few days that I cannot watch TV anymore without crying. Did you notice there’s so many ads for families and babies? I did. The perfect family… more on that later.
But I am trying to find my feet again. I know you’re heading to LA, and I hope you have a wonderful time. I found the postcards you sent last time and smiled a little. You promised one day you’d be my guide around LA and we could figure out the city together. I’d see the beach and the ocean. We’d avoid all the touristy spots and you’d show me that korean karaoke bar.
There were so many things that we thought we’d do.
They changed my dosage for my antidepressants, and I feel even worse and far more manic than I did before… and yet, when I call them to let them know that I am … really not myself, they tell me to just let the 6 weeks pass with me on this dose, then see if anything changes.
I feel like every day I need to take a super cocktail of medical grade pharmaceuticals in order to function. I continually fight it for more holistic methods, but my funding requires me to comply to the doctor’s orders. There’s little to no wiggle room.
This new dosage makes me feel incredibly depressed…. far more than I was before. It’s been a year of darkness and I find less and less reasons to wake up. I told my doctor that and they just told me to wait the six weeks.
It’s weird just how many things make sense now with my diagnosis over the past several years.
Why I was always so tired and fatigued day after day.
Why sitting for extended periods of time and laying curled up agitated my stomach and gave me stomach aches.
Why my appetite began decreasing over the last two years, causing me to fluctuate between weights.
The ever- recurrent stomach aches that were so intense I’d stay bed bound for at least a day or pop handfuls of ibuprofen just to get through college days.
My lower back aches and hip pains after walking too long.
But most of all… my body anxiety… I am so happy to finally have an explanation for why I felt so unnerved and scared to do anything that might cause me discomfort physically. My relationships suffered plenty because of my unwillingness to drive due to my anxiety, my recurrent fatigue, and withdrawing from social situations.
When I was feeling good, I was great! But when my stomach started hurting and I started bleeding, I’d withdraw into myself and pull away from doing anything. And I’d feel extremely guilty because I had no explanation other than “I’m not feeling well” which didn’t quite cover the case.
I wish I could go back in time and tell myself to go get checked a lot sooner than I had because maybe my relationship would have survived (just maybe.) Maybe I wouldn’t feel so awful about being so withdrawn without credible explanation. I’m now on anxiety medications and I know what’s the cause of my stomach pains… it’s extreme, but maybe we could have figured this out together sooner. I finally have the ability to do the things you always wanted because I am finally receiving the care I should have years ago… but it’s too late.
Things would have been different for me, I wouldn’t feel so horrible about my anxiety and my pains. I’d have been more open about the strange bleeding and taken better concern to my issues. But.. que sera, sera.
Yahuah gives to us, and He takes away. I’m struggling to find meaning in my journey at the moment. Maybe this is the life He chose for me anyway – the road to cancerous danger and death, and you were given the road to family happiness. All has its own time as there is a time for everything under the stars… and I am struggling to manage my own time. But Yahusha has been guiding my heart towards where I need to go no matter how much I don’t want to go there.