I am still not feeling 100%, and my level reports aren’t evening out like we hoped. I am still scheduled so far for another surgery and resuming treatment as soon as possible.
My body has been left in shambles with the first two. I am re-adjusting to new medications and feeling the zaps of the old and they hurt a lot more than I remembered. I feel like a zombie most of the time if I am being 100% honest. My bones feel like they were liquified when on my treatments and they are now re-solidifying off of them… so the growing pains are pretty intense. I spend much of my day bed bound and reading since that’s the only activity that doesn’t require too much energy. I counted – I am up to 7 translations of the Scriptures physically.
My memory is failing a little more but that’s to be expected. So I am writing my blog posts and notes to myself all over my walls. How can I expect anyone else to remember me if most of the time I can’t remember me? I guess that’s why this blog is so important to me – recording that I existed somewhere. My journey with Yahusha, and my cancerous trek across the healthcare industry… something.
Psalms 66:16-20 came to mind this morning.
Come and hear, all ye that fear ELOHIYM, and I will declare what he has done for my soul. I cried unto him with my mouth, and he was extolled with my tongue. If I regard iniquity in my heart, ADONAI will not hear me: But truly ELOHIYM has heard me; he has attended to the voice of my prayer. Blessed be ELOHIYM, which has not turned away my prayer, nor his mercy from me. TEHILLIYM (PSALMS) 66:16-20 את CEPHER Translation
Iniquity as a definition below.
Noun: iniquity; plural noun: iniquities
- immoral or grossly unfair behavior
“But truly ELOHIYM has heard me; he has attended to the voice of my prayer.” – I need only remind myself that my prayers have been heard by my Father. I may feel like I am failing but He is watching over me. Yahusha is with me during my pains and holding my hand when I am alone and afraid. Yahusha is with me while I cry. Yahusha is with me just as the morning comes day after day – He is with me.
Let the whole world praise our Yahuah, sing His praises along the winds from nation to nation. Let Yahuah see it fit to heal my broken heart and my shattered spirits.
Another report of unwellness but it is no matter… soon, Yah will come to my side to collect me and I will have forgotten all the pain of this world in the everlasting love of the next.
I think of my daughter as I look at the date, and I think of all the children that were taken from me prematurely. I feel the ache of the surgical scars in my abdomen that condemned any further seed from sprouting from my vine. I try to understand that maybe it was all for the best and try to ease the searing shots of pain from my heart. I try to understand things as best I can. I try to not lean only on my understanding but to remedy my heart with the words of praises. Sometimes though I just feel incredibly hollow and it makes me feel ashamed.
No one told me this would be the result of a life of torment. But here we are. I’m not doing too well but I am trying…. still. I can hear the ticking of the clock louder than before and I try not to turn around to face it dead-center. I try to just keep looking forward.
Yahuah, please guide me in the way only You can ask me to go. Please deviate me from my desires and heal the wounds of my heart. I thank You for bringing me to this day and celebrate the idea of reunification. I look to the morning, my namesake, and continue to try to ignore the foreboding night that threatens to encase me.