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Yahuah Reigns, Yahusha Saves!

Posts from the faith Category

I’m packing up for my surgery and my road trip… but I am unsure of what exactly to bring. I already have my clothes and my pajamas ready for the transition, my Scriptures, and some socks. What else would I bring to this?

I don’t know exactly how long I will be checked in to recuperate. Last time it took a few days before I was released so I want to be sure I have everything needed to be … comfortable with what’s going on.

Any suggestions, world?

10…

…things to think of and do before all of this collides.

9…

…evils of the world that held me down and raped the innocence from my bones and my sinews, ravaging what purity there was left in my core.

8…

… hopes for the better life that awaits when we Waken…

That’s all I recall. Count Backwards from 10. A Life-story of SeraYah, the dawn that evil tore down.

I’m tired of all these appointments and these late night vitals checks. I’m exhausted of the blood that pours out and ruins my pants for the evening. I cling my hardest to my Father and hold fast to hope that He will deliver the world from the birthing pains that encompass us all these days.

There’s so much more to do and to prepare with just a week left to count it all backwards. Hours to go be sliced open and days to recuperate enough to come back on my own. My own… on my own. I never wanted to be on my own for these kinds of things. I always wanted someone to sit next to me during it all and tell me it’s going to be okay because Yah will guide us. But that’s not the case. I have to be my own defender and my own strength yet again in my life. I wish things were different but I have grown to just accept that this is the way my reality is. And that’s okay. It has to be okay.

Count backwards from ten. Can you tell us your name?

In the back of my mind I wonder if I knew that something was horribly wrong all along which is why I avoided going to the Dr for years. I was afraid on a subconscious level that everything would definitely come crashing down and the visits would be the doorway to it all. But I didn’t understand even if I did know there was something deeply wrong. I barely understand now.

Count backwards from ten… 9 works and wonders that Yahusha performs so that the world will glorify its proper Father, Yahuah. 8 brothers and sisters gathered together to celebrate the feasts of our Father… 7 days of laughter and pain under one roof. 6 things I will never experience in my life.

Can you tell us where you’re from? Do you know what year it is?

It’s the year of terrible agony, horrible and devastating losses and ruptures around the globe. It’s the year evils have pervaded and perverted the reality that is today. Yah, can you find any good left in this world? May the reality find You and find Your love quickly. Though I think it’s too late for that anymore.

Count backwards from ten… can you tell us your name? My name is pain and my reality is cancer. My name is “Come to exam room one” and “Hold your arm steady for me please”. There’s so much in the world I was already afraid of and my body shouldn’t be an additional worry… but here we are.

Though I undergo my own cancer, I can’t help but weep at the world as it continues to struggle within its own cancerous growth of hatred and ignorance.

We are the disease that consumes our own planet with little care. We tear our own people limb from limb on basis of bigotry, racism, and paranoia. We are the pagans that drink the blood of the innocent in some sort of ethnic genocide… what are we doing so far away from Yahuah’s commands?

I can’t fathom the riots. I can’t imagine the pains of the thousands and thousands of people who are suffering at the hands of the racist tumor that continues to strip us of any sort of saving grace.

My skin affords me a favorable privilege amongst the nations… but it shouldn’t be so. We shouldn’t be killing and demolishing anyone unfair in our eyes aesthetically because of our paranoid thoughts and systematic oppressionist views. The system is beyond broken. Pretending it doesn’t exist will not make the world equal in the background of your sunshine and kombucha lens. There will be murder, mayhem, and racism rampant.

How can we find Yahuah once more? At what point will we be fearful of Him and return? We are a disgraced children…. we are a growth full of pus and slimed with terrorism. At what point do we find our Original Parent once more? …Will He find us once more and continue to allow us to walk?

Go on and live your daily lives. Pretend your neck is not being kneeled upon, pretend your trachea and esophagus are not being torn from your flesh… hide behind the lenses of everyday routines and the blur of daily grievances. If this makes you uncomfortable understand the privilege that that feeling disguises. Ask yourself introspective questions about the state of the US and educate yourself on the matters at hand.

We are heading further and further into the black tar pits of Sheoul… choose your path with care.

Often, I wonder how I can feel like I am doing all the right things and yet still be getting sicker. Still be getting worse and worse news. Still be suffering and left wondering, where am I going wrong?

Cancer is a total and all-encompassing disease that sometimes I find hard to believe isn’t just manufactured to replicate income sales for “Big Pharma”. I find it uncomfortable to believe that Yahuah, the Most High, would afflict anyone in His flock with this devastation.

After my recent suicide attempt and hospitalization my doctors decided removing my medications was negligent (my words, not theirs) and replaced my dosages with max’d out numbers again, plus another to help stabilize my depression. It’s left me feeling… number than I thought… but at least I am not actively suicidal. I can deal with my thoughts by placing the boxes in the backroom of the broken down conveyor warehouse and go on with my day.

I have all the more check-ins, constant questions of “how is your day going” from nurses, and pin pricks, needle points, blood draws, and eventually more invasive procedures. But I still ask myself… how am I getting sicker? Is Yahuah angry with me, am I continuing to do all the more bad than good in His eyes so this is His answer?

I attempted to end my life because of a myriad of reasons I may eventually right about but one of them was because I felt I wasn’t good enough for Yahuah. I know He sent me this news to teach me more lessons on valuing my life and I don’t understand why He continues to save it (that makes 16 suicide attempts in my 30 years.) I don’t understand anything. I don’t want to pretend that I do because I know I don’t understand the ways of Yah.

Storm sickness rocked my weekend. I threw up blood and migraines popped vessels in my eyes. I feel like I am guilty of sins I don’t know anything about. I’m beginning to live in a state of constant fear and even more anxiety that I am doing wrong by Yah and this is why my life is becoming so increasingly difficult. Because I’m not good enough.

I don’t want to live like this, I know He is an all encompassing love and gentle to His flock. Logically I understand that. But emotionally I am a frightened sheep wandering too close to the edge of a cliff.

Today was an exhausting and trying day. I don’t feel ready to face anything so I am finding myself hiding more and more from myself. Though… you can’t hide from yourself and your own body.

Depleted. I feel depleted. I knew there was going to be bad news. I’m alone facing the news and the fears, the tidal pool of depressive downs… everything. I understand why but it doesn’t make it much easier.

The reality of cancer is depletion and decay.

The reality of the attempt of my life hasn’t faded and won’t fade away. I feel this is punishment for that attempt and I’m understanding of it. I’m still alone and I still want to be hugged. Everything is a blur of activity but I feel like a hollow little ghost amidst it all… barely existing, barely moving, barely anything. A wisp of a girl that … just can’t feel anything other than fatigue.

Yahuah sends the waves that knock us over, and He sends the calmest of waters. I’m waiting for my calm waters. I’m praying my hardest to find the guidance that I need and the strength to pursue the Truth.

Have I lost my light? Yahusha please find my voice… I feel like I’ve lost it to my body’s vicious cycle of altered “renewal”.

Lean not on your own understanding… someone commented this on my last post and I needed it to keep myself together. I read all of your responses and I am grateful for your words of encouragement. Thank you for them.

It’s coming soon, and I can feel the strings of sorrow beginning to emerge from under my skin… like the webblings of veins being tugged loose from a nerve center.

I don’t know what I will feel this year.

My removal surgery has greatly affected my mental health this year. I can only imagine the amount of sorrow and grief my heart will experience as Mother’s Day is celebrated by the nations. As stupid as it is, I find it difficult to let go of that day because of all of my losses – I grew up in the nations with that day being a big reminder of motherhood and all things that I aspired to one day have. And now that my ovaries are gone… I will no longer biologically be able to produce my own children anymore. And that has a devastating toll on me.

I know I shouldn’t even count it as one of my days or give it a passing thought… but it always reminds me of the children I’ve carried in my womb. And all the little lives that are sleeping with their Father having been spared the shock of this world…. I should be grateful. I should ignore that day just like any other day… I should… I should I should. but how can I?

My heart is already in mourning and bitter anticipation of such a trainwreck of a day coming up on the calendar.

Praise Yahuah for another day on this earth, another day to pray and draw nearer to Him as we wait for the eternal.

Today I focus on Hebrews 7:25 to recall to mind the saving grace of Yahusha, our older Brother.

As I sit here in bed I wonder about the things that I cannot control. I have an anxiety disorder that often consumes my waking hours with intrusive thoughts and obsessive behaviors that I can’t control anymore. I spend a good amount of time frozen in fear. But I am trying to train myself to shy away from my fears of being forgotten and instead turn these moments into prayers to Yahusha.

Anxiety controls every aspect of my life. From what I wear to what I eat, and if I eat, what I say to what I think, it’s all enveloping. Yahusha has the power to rescue us and intercede on our behalf in any realm – including the anxious one. Should I just open my heart to prayers rather than compulsions I would be able to feel His presence nearer to me than I ever anticipated.

Yahusha, today I pray for Your help in discerning Your voice in my life.
I ask that You help me to hear You in my moments of anxiety and that You place Your calming hand on my life.

He is ready to intercede and is capable. Who could be here to condemn us when our First Fruits, our lamb, spilled His very own blood to interrupt our lives and our punishments to allow us chances to recover from loss and come back to our original parent. What truer love is there? Who can be against us when Yah is with us?

Today thank Him for interceding on our behalf. Today, thank Him.

Find yourselves moments to pray to Him and thank Him for all that He continues to do without our knowledge. Today thank Him for taking away the negative to bring forth the positive.

We are almost at the end of the Unleavened Week and I feel lighter than I have in the last year. Though my compulsions and my withdrawals are intense I feel less pressure and fear than I did last year. I have successfully removed all that holds me back and I am greater for the forsaken thoughts being taken than I ever was with them. There have been a lot of strong spiritual meditations where Yah speaks to me and helps me see the situations and people for who they really are. I’ve successfully come out of it with a healing heart in progress and condemned the part of me that held on for so long looking for apologies that would never come.

There will never be anyone who could intercede and love me the way Yahusha does. There will never exist a stronger, purer love than the one that Yah has in store for me. All I must do now is wait to enter into the Wakened life and be not afraid of this world and it’s troubles.

I am still not feeling 100%, and my level reports aren’t evening out like we hoped. I am still scheduled so far for another surgery and resuming treatment as soon as possible.

My body has been left in shambles with the first two. I am re-adjusting to new medications and feeling the zaps of the old and they hurt a lot more than I remembered. I feel like a zombie most of the time if I am being 100% honest. My bones feel like they were liquified when on my treatments and they are now re-solidifying off of them… so the growing pains are pretty intense. I spend much of my day bed bound and reading since that’s the only activity that doesn’t require too much energy. I counted – I am up to 7 translations of the Scriptures physically.

My memory is failing a little more but that’s to be expected. So I am writing my blog posts and notes to myself all over my walls. How can I expect anyone else to remember me if most of the time I can’t remember me? I guess that’s why this blog is so important to me – recording that I existed somewhere. My journey with Yahusha, and my cancerous trek across the healthcare industry… something.

Psalms 66:16-20 came to mind this morning.

Come and hear, all ye that fear ELOHIYM, and I will declare what he has done for my soul. I cried unto him with my mouth, and he was extolled with my tongue. If I regard iniquity in my heart, ADONAI will not hear me: But truly ELOHIYM has heard me; he has attended to the voice of my prayer. Blessed be ELOHIYM, which has not turned away my prayer, nor his mercy from me. TEHILLIYM (PSALMS) 66:16-20 את

CEPHER Translation

Iniquity as a definition below.

Noun: iniquity; plural noun: iniquities

  1. immoral or grossly unfair behavior

But truly ELOHIYM has heard me; he has attended to the voice of my prayer.” – I need only remind myself that my prayers have been heard by my Father. I may feel like I am failing but He is watching over me. Yahusha is with me during my pains and holding my hand when I am alone and afraid. Yahusha is with me while I cry. Yahusha is with me just as the morning comes day after day – He is with me.

Let the whole world praise our Yahuah, sing His praises along the winds from nation to nation. Let Yahuah see it fit to heal my broken heart and my shattered spirits.

Another report of unwellness but it is no matter… soon, Yah will come to my side to collect me and I will have forgotten all the pain of this world in the everlasting love of the next.

I think of my daughter as I look at the date, and I think of all the children that were taken from me prematurely. I feel the ache of the surgical scars in my abdomen that condemned any further seed from sprouting from my vine. I try to understand that maybe it was all for the best and try to ease the searing shots of pain from my heart. I try to understand things as best I can. I try to not lean only on my understanding but to remedy my heart with the words of praises. Sometimes though I just feel incredibly hollow and it makes me feel ashamed.

No one told me this would be the result of a life of torment. But here we are. I’m not doing too well but I am trying…. still. I can hear the ticking of the clock louder than before and I try not to turn around to face it dead-center. I try to just keep looking forward.

Yahuah, please guide me in the way only You can ask me to go. Please deviate me from my desires and heal the wounds of my heart. I thank You for bringing me to this day and celebrate the idea of reunification. I look to the morning, my namesake, and continue to try to ignore the foreboding night that threatens to encase me.

Firstly, thank you to all of my followers~! I’m so excited to have you with me on this crazy journey!

Cancer has been a moving experience. I will never understand how much I’ve changed in this year. I am continually growing and finding new ways to exist. I am learning. I am adapting. I am trying my hardest to navigate these stormy waters.

Yahuah has been my stronghold in these times of insanity. I’ve been constantly disappointed in the hearts of humans and uplifted in the Glory of Yahusha. I’m still alone a year later but I’m becoming used to the stinging. It’s become a calloused wound that’s sometimes gives me pain but otherwise exists.

Yahuah has certainly brought me a mountain to overcome. How am I going to fair against this? It has been said it will capsize my small boat and throw me to the depths of the icy waters of death. If that may be so, may Yahuah be esteemed in my final hours.

I’m alone and I’m scared. I think it’s okay to admit that. I’m not any superhuman that has emotional strength of an invincible being… Just because I had the emotional durability doesn’t mean you should have dragged me through this kind of pain. But Yah will eventually see my efforts and smile. That’s all that I can hope for.

I reflect on my future and I sigh. Things changed so drastically. I am trying to be a better person with the energy I am given. My Mountain threatens to send me cascading over the edges every moment.

HalaluYahuah I will face this cancerous mountain. I will fight until I can’t anymore. Until Yah has called me home.

HalaluYahuah! I am here arrived at my first qdsh week, my first of a lifetime of Spring Feasts!

I am so thrilled to have made it this far in my journey – in May it will be a year that I vowed my life to keeping the Command of Yahuah. How the time flies!

I am grateful that I am allowed this time to get to know our Father, His words, and our Brother’s shining example of excellence.

This blog post is an emotional one for me. I am full of smiles that our Father has given to me, I am free of toxicity, but I am also full of tumors. I give my voice to my Father that He may find it in His heart to guide me along my way to His side, that He may see my repentance and the ridding of the forsaken from my heart and my mind, and that He may correct those that do wrong across the nations.

He is coming, and He is all powerful.

Yahuah, may we learn from Your words and may we all bow our knees to You. I am truly happy that Your guidance has brought me to this place in my life where You allow me to serve You. May I make You smile, as I am Always trying to do!

That’s all the energy I have for now. 🙂 I will write more as I am inspired.