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Yahuah Reigns, Yahusha Saves!

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I love love love fall and I cannot wait for the next cold front. I’m waiting by the windows in my sweaters, my cardigans, my scarves and my hats.

These past few weeks have taught me a lot about being c o z y. What does that mean?

“Giving a feeling of comfort, warmth, and relaxation.” – definition from some website that I just googled for time’s sake. Coziness is something I aspire to these days. I’ve stopped chemotherapy, I’ve stopped my medical treatments and I’m taking a trust fall into Yah’s loving embrace. That’s difficult to wrap my head around these days… and I want to try to get cozy with it.

I try to seek comfort in this verse at all the times that I feel myself fading from the Light. I fear my death more and more each day and I am trying to get cozy with it… it’s NOT a death sentence. It’s a transition. A transition to a better Place, to a World of love and light. Where I can see my children once again and love on them. I am trying to get comfortable with the idea of a lot of things these days… and it’s exceedingly difficult keeping up with everything honestly.

So how do I get cozy? How do I find the path towards comfort and warmth? I started once again by praying every morning and night… something I found difficult to begin anew due to my recent falling away. But I am diligent in my thanksgiving prayers. I am hopeful for a path to the warmth of Yah’s graces. How do we find comfort in anything these days with everything feeling like it’s hopeless. Here are a few ways I’ve found some solace …

  • Treating each day as a gift rather than a burden. I’ve fallen before into the trap of dreading waking up each day and hating the life that I was living before cancer struck me… and I made a change. Instead of dread I’ve woken up each day with thanks in my heart for another sunrise of possibilities.
  • Trying to find new things to do, rather than laying around waiting for things to happen. Though I get tired so often and quickly these days I make it a goal to get comfortable doing ONE new thing a day no matter how small it seems to me. A new thing from the day before… like a new coffee creamer or a new phrase to say. Something NEW and able to shake up the ordinary. ๐Ÿ™‚
  • Finding joy in simple pleasures like coffee, sweaters, and home decor. I am guilty of loooooooooving Animal Crossing and enjoying the aspect of decorating small spaces. One of the new things I’ve started is digging up old things from storage to redecorate my living space in order to find fresh energy in my life. I created a “selfie self-care corner” with a new mirror I found and some old vines and lights, added some positivity inspiring signs, and voila! A new corner to sit and enjoy when I am feeling down.
  • Writing practice in my journals! I LOVE JOURNALING and PLANNING! I’ve recently fallen into a funk because my handwriting was getting messier and messier due to a lack of practice… but I decided recently, NO! I let that happen so I need to make time to write and get my feelings onto paper while practicing my penmanship again. I print out cute pictures, loving photos, and quotes to inspire me in my little journals. I put down future plans, short term goals, and daily feelings. I add stickers and plan short tasks and goals to achieve each day… and man does it help with my motivation!
  • Baking breads and cooking small meals. This one is a LOT harder to me than it sounds typing out because I am simply almost always out of energy to do this, but even making a sandwich has its perks. ๐Ÿ™‚ I cooked a homemade chicken noodle soup the other day and felt SO accomplished!!! Breads though… that’s the real struggle. I can make cinnamon rolls and doughs like any other but … somehow breads are a pain!
  • Finding solace in reading the Scriptures every day. I have so many different copies of the Word that I really have no excuse NOT to read, so I ensure that I eat my portion of His word daily. It’s helped me find comfort in some smaller and heavier things that weigh on my mind because they teach me lessons that are refreshed every single day… and I like to try to journal what these lessons mean to me. These kinds of practices help me feel that warmth that I aspire to find in Yah’s heart!
  • Cleaning and organizing my space! Kind of inline with the decorating aspect, but clearing out old things that I -never- use anymore and reorganizing my living quarters has really helped me find some sweet peace of mind. ๐Ÿ™‚
  • CANDLES. It sounds so dumb, but candles have really helped me feel comfort! I looooooooove fall scents and I stumbled into the Bath & Body Works candle sale and grabbed enough candles to last me the season (whoops, thank heavens for coupons and sales!) They’re really good at helping my space feel like my own, and bringing me a sense of calm and collectedness when I am in a place of anxiety.

I have found a handful of things that make me happy. I may make a smaller, light hearted little post about what makes me happy these days… I am not sure yet. But I am trying to write more for you all because I fell off the other month… and I want to share my story with everyone.

September is ovarian cancer awareness month and I want everyone to get themselves checked out as soon as possible and remain up to date on their pelvic exams. Fight for what you believe is right for YOU. I had to advocate for myself for years before they listened to my complaints and took me seriously. Don’t give up! ADVOCATE FOR YOU!

I want to get cozy… I want to get further along in feeling happiness and contentment with my decisions as of late. I am hoping things are turning for the best…. I am hoping they are coming to a calm point in my life. We can only see what happens…. until then, I am waiting for the cool winds and pumpkin patches this season. ๐Ÿ™‚

Ahhh, I am so excited to announce that we’ve reached 150 followers on this blog! Hello all of you!

I pray that you all are blessed by the Truth, the Way, and the Light! I ask that Yahusha make Himself known to your hearts, that He smiles and intercedes on your behalves as the time moves forward towards His return.

Thank you for following me and listening to my rambles. It makes me so happy to know you’re around, reading, listening, and sometimes commenting. ๐Ÿ™‚ Welcome if you’re new, and THANK YOU if you’re a returning follower. You’re all so appreciated!

Ovarian Cancer Facts:

Ovarian cancer is the # 1 cause of gynecologic cancer deaths.

Ovarian cancer is the #5 cause of cancer related deaths in women.

Ovarian cancer is the #11 most common cancer in women.

Every 23 minutes another woman is diagnosed with ovarian cancer in the United States.

1 in 78 women will develop ovarian cancer in her lifetime.

21,750 women will be diagnosed this year, and 13,940 women will die from ovarian cancer this year.

There is no early detection test for ovarian cancer. A pap smear DOES NOT detect ovarian cancer.

Symptoms include but are not limited to:

  • Bloating
  • Pelvic/abdominal pain
  • Difficulty eating or feeling full after a few bites
  • Urinary urgency/frequency
  • Menstrual irregularities

Please be your own advocate and listen to your body. If you have these symptoms and they persist, please see your doctor. Early detection is the best way to beat this horrible disease.

This year I am dedicating the month of September to ovarian cancer awareness. Look for more Teal Tuesday posts.

Statistical information from the Ovarian Cancer Research Alliance โ€œWhat you need to know about Ovarian Cancerโ€

In case you can’t tell… I’m a writer.

More specifically I’m a personal journal-er. I endeavor to collect the most journals ever & make them into little memorials of my trials and accomplishments through the years.

I intensely decorate each page. I doodle, cut, glue, and color in each themed page one by one. I write my heart out for each day, log my memories, take note of my health data, and measure out my anxiety attacks. I stick glittery butterflies everywhere I can, keep receipts and scraps of paper to glue to the pages, and manage to somehow find a way to throw in some extra bits of scrapbooking paper. The point of this paragraph is simple: I decorate my heart out onto each page.

The one problem I have is that I can never finish an entire journal from start to end. I always get about halfway before I find another that I really like and start working on that one… I always say I will use it for some other type of journaling but it never winds up like that. I always, always, always find a way to make that new bound book my diary and restart the process all over again.

Tonight I found two of those halfway full journals. One was from 2018, and the other from 2019. In it, you see a stark difference and it shocked me.

2018, my binding was colorful and full of expression. It was bursting at the seams with receipts and scraps of paper, stickers and glittery glue. Each page had Tombow brush inks all over it, with smooth yet vibrant hued writing. 2019 had a bright start but somehow… it just started fading into monochromes. There was less and less pizazz. Glitter grew extinct. Stickies were missing. My writing had become stiff and rigid instead of colorful and enthusiastic.

In 2019, I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. From the get go, you can see where my journey begins as that’s where my pages start declining. 2018, I was still a healthy(ish) girl with the world in her hands. Smiling, laughing, loving. I was still blissfully unaware of what was growing in my abdomen at those very moments in time. I had a partner that I loved dearly and I felt supported. Then 2019 happened. Then the cancer came along.

And here we are, over a year later… and I’m not journaling as I used to. I’m too tired these days to spend much time cutting away scraps of paper to glue in. I don’t go out anymore because of COVID and my sickness. I rarely have the energy to do much of anything.

The contrast between the two journals is enough to make me cry. Instead of filling out pages of memories I am writing in final directives on paper forms for my banks and care teams. I am struggling to get up in the morning. Right at this moment I am in tears. Cancer has taken so much from me… and it took away my favorite pastime. I’m too tired these days to do much of anything.

I have written steadfastly since I was in high school. I wrote everything down. I decorated all pages as vibrantly as the rainbow. 2019… I become a shell of a scared girl. I see myself questioning all the results of the scans and the tests. I hear the whispering voice of a petrified girl asking for help. 2007, I’m writing about my boyfriend at the time constantly and Inuyasha. I’m different people growing at the same continuous time…

I guess I write my blogs because it’s easier for me to feel like I’m remembered. I never have to finish this journal because it’s never-ending…. there’s no risk of me drifting off into another pretty paper’d cover. I always get distracted and forget to finish all the pages…. I guess I’m pretty all over the place right now. Sigh. Suffice to say, my emotions are running on high and I am scrambled.

It’s always interesting to see how far I’ve gotten… but this was a progression that I didn’t want to revisit. But it’s my truth. And I am grateful for it to be honest. I am glad to see my pain reflected in writing because it means that I survived those anxious days. It means there was a semblance of hope glittering in the background of all that mess… and maybe there could be some here at this time.

I encourage you to keep blogging. You’ll love to come back and see how stupid you sounded, or how enlightening your humor was/is. It’s a wonderful way to pass the time and I wish I had more energy for it. I don’t want cancer to completely remove my favorite hobby so I will dedicate a chunk of time when I can to writing and decorating once again. I might start a new prayer journal praising Yahuah for all He has done for me in 2020! I’m almost done with the year and need to play catch up! Just because cancer has eaten my body and spirit doesn’t mean I can pretend 2020 didn’t happen and not write out my reality. I need to document it … and it’s never too late to.

Hey everyone!

I have a lot of fun with digital design, so I decided to start hosting my little Yahuah inspired art pieces for the world to use to praise His name!

If you look on my navigation bar to the left, you’ll see a new page called My Art Pieces. Click there and you’ll be taken to the page where I’ll be periodically uploading my latest little digital creations for all the world to use.

We have so many beautiful wallpapers and icons/headers for a variety of bible verses with “Lord” and “God” in the text, but almost none that share the love of our Father by His true name. I aim to change that and create modern, beautiful scripts for your personal use. Just link back to me so other people can benefit!

If you’d like to see any personalized ones, I do those too – just email me at halalu.yhuh@gmail.com to get in contact with me and I’ll see what I can do for you. ๐Ÿ™‚ I want to share my talents with you all and spread His True Name.

More to come soon, ok?

Aside from cancer, I’ve lived with chronic panic attacks and generalized anxiety disorder since my early teenage years.

This morning I think on the topic as I drink my tea. I remember the question I’ve had posed to me since the beginning: have I always been like this or was I pushed into this kind of thing?

I suffer from debilitating panic attacks nearly 3 times a day, 5 days out of the week. If you know what a panic attack is or feels like I am SO sorry. If you don’t I am so glad for you. It feels like a freight train is slamming into you with its full power and you feel like you’re going to have a heart attack and die right at that very moment. I’ve dropped off my medication regimen to try to detox and remain constant in my faith and my decisions regarding that realm… unfortunately, that means trying to readjust and cope with my anxiety as best I can without any medication interventions to stop the escalation. I am relying entirely on my own wits to outrun and conquer my debilitating fear of any/everything.

And that’s difficult.

I beg myself to remember the above mantra as I push through my pain and fears. With Yahuah, all things can be made a reality, all things can be conquered.

I needn’t fear my Walk because I walk alongside Yahusha’s grace. I am led into the world with an excellent example of peace by my side. I can do all things through Elohim who empowers me… including getting a hold of my mental health. Though I struggle I can find comfort in the fact that my Father made me perfectly in His image and He understands that I have the power to take back control of my issues and panics.

Life with anxiety is not easy in the slightest bit. It’s not just a little bit of worry over some minor or semi-large things – it’s an all encompassing feeling of doom and dread, of paralyzing fear and accompanying terrors of daily life. Everything can be a trigger for a repressed or apparent memory of trauma.

Today I locked my door eight times because I was worried that someone would break into my apartment and steal all my things if I didn’t check at least -one- more time that the door was locked. I spent 20 minutes washing my hands to rid myself of the invisible bacteria that I just knew would make me sicker than I already was. I perfectly poured my milk because I was fearful that spilling it would mean that I’d get a thousand ants and bugs in my home. I spent a lot of time worried about the global pandemic and its ramifications on the world’s economy. I couldn’t concentrate on making myself some food the other day because I was obsessively researching the ingredients to make sure my cancerous body wouldn’t react to the enriched grains or hard to pronounce names of things in the products I wanted to consume (that took away a good 2 hours and I wasn’t hungry at the end of it.)

I often go through cycles of panic and anxiety that don’t find an end… just an everlooping repetition through the hours of the day. I worry a lot about everything all the time. It wears me out, and having a cancer diagnosis doesn’t make anything any easier. I worry about the state of the world and the state of my living room. I worry about washing my hands and healthcare workers facing the virus on the front lines. I always have a sense of dread from the “next bad thing” coming around the corner ready to strike at any moment… so I am always on high alert at all hours of the day and that is mentally exhausting!

I can do all things through Yahuah. I can control my fears and find a way to ease my panic attacks. Though they may be mighty and powerful now it doesn’t mean they always will be. I have faith in my Father that He will provide a solution in some way to these issues that I face. He is perfect, and He will come to my side to help me figure something out that will work for my life. ๐Ÿ™‚

Do not, then, worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow shall have its own worries. Each day has enough evil of itself. [MT 6:34]

That’s me…. well, that’s me in Animal Crossing New Horizons.

It’s no lie to say that I adore this little game. I get to pick fruits, fish for trouts and dig up clams, I get to catch butterflies and collect bugs. My character changes clothes with my mood and my little home island continually reshapes itself over and over to fit my current home-lifestyle trend.

I can have all the baubles and the junk I want in my dream island home. I can do whatever I want to do in my ACNH world. Most importantly to me…. I can be somebody else for a little while. Digitally, I can be healthy.

Gaming has always been a guilty pleasure of mine. Before my diagnosis I didn’t actively seek gaming online as a form of entertainment because I was able to do so many other things like write in my journals or paint on my canvases. Lately though, post-diagnosis, gaming online has become one of my biggest sources of focus and distraction. Though I don’t game online with friends (what friends?) I do like to timesink myself into some Stardew Valley or ACNH. Sometimes I’ll play Splatoon2 if I am feeling strong enough to face online foes. Other times it’s Mario Kart in the cancer center with the patients.

Gaming has always brought me closer to people online and in person and has always been such a nice bonding experience (except for Goldeneye shootouts and HALO capture the flag tourneys… some of those games could get heatedly vicious, esp. SSBMelee….) There was always the entertainment of a nice Mario Party to bring friends together over playful banter and trash talk. I wouldn’t have always called myself a gamer to be honest with you. I found other ways of expressing myself and doing things that entertained me. But now, late in life, I would definitely call myself a weeby gamer girl (as heated and debatable as that topic is!)

I enjoy the focus it takes to turn my attention towards this little digital reality while I seek to rectify my current situations. Sometimes getting lost in a little ACNH is enough to bring up a new solution or a new view of a problem I’d been having for that day, week, or month. I do my best work while procrastinating major projects to be 100% honest. Thus gaming enables my mind to be creative and seek new pathways for whatever I am facing at that moment.

My switch helps me calm down and breathe when I am feeling overwhelmed and anxious. I have an anxiety disorder that results in continual panic attacks and for an asthmatic, that sucks! (HAHA) So, just having a safe “space” on my Switch world to retreat to for a little while is comforting and essential for these crazy days. If I am mad I can cool down with some Splatoon2, if I am sad I can plant some new radishes and sunflowers in my farm on Stardew Valley. There’s so much to do in that little screen!

So yeah…. I game. I play cute little video games sometimes and I enjoy the heck out of it. I try to escape my reality for a little bit. I get to be a healthy little avatar of myself for a few short hours… and it’s absolutely wonderful to get that kind of enjoyment out of a material good these days. I guess that’s why I treasure my Nintendo Switch. Not only because a dear one gifted it to me but also because it’s become my constant companion during this cancer journey. I can always rely on my Switch to have something ready for me to sink into when my feels are overwhelming and that’s comforting.

Hello again, everyone.

I am sorry I disappeared for so long. I needed some time to get used to a bout of news, chemotherapy, and surgical interventions. I apologize for my absence.