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Yahuah Reigns, Yahusha Saves!

Posts from the yahusha Category

Home is a sensation more than it is a physical place. I was moved a few times in my short life from area to area but the ranch lands always stuck like a sore thumb in the backgrounds. I grew up in the sunflower fields and corn stalks. I played in the plowed soil. Land was plenty and houses were still far away from our ranch.

I went to the place I last thought of as my childhood home and found it achingly empty. So I stood in the plowed fields and wept. Home was gone. The places I thought of as a home base for my wild spirit had evaporated like a puddle in the scorching sun. Just when I broke and needed it the most, needed the weathered window panes and comforting yelps of the dogs… it was FOR SALE BY OWNER.

I cried for who knows how long. Time in the fields is ruled by the path of the sunlight and my eyes were too watery to watch it glazing by in the sky. Home is a sensation, a piece of your heart that continually changes to set the pace of your life. Where was home for me now…? My childhood was up for sale yet again and vacant. It’s familiar sounds were all muted and strange.

I walked along the dirt road as far as my feet would take me. The fields were bare due to the heat and lack of service by experienced farm hands since COVID19 had swept the nation. The smell was stale soil and thickly humid air. Where was my home? Where would I come and share moments of comfort and familiarity now? I didn’t realize how much I’d missed my living room couch and my oddly painted walls. Where was home now?

I knelt in the dirt and I prayed my heart to Yahuah to help me find my answers. I felt like a little lost balloon, bopping and weaving between the clouds… ready to descend and die any moment the wind changed.

For the last year my heart has been with Yah, learning and rediscovering new and strange parts of myself that I’d forgotten or neglected. I’d obeyed His laws and observed His feasts. The answer was incredibly simple: My home was Yahuah. My familiarity was Yahusha. No longer would I be tied down to a physical location of my biological birth… no, the cords had been severed and my body free-fell aimlessly headlong into cancerous care and sickened injections. But the death of my family home meant the birth of my REAL Parent’s home. my Father’s Wakened World that lay ahead in the plowed fields just out of finger’s reach.

This ranchland had always been my skin and my flesh. The live stock were always my blood and my routine was my muscle… the morning ambling from shed to shed to let them all out to pasture, milk, feed, wash, dry, repeat. From the time I was a child, I was un chica de granja, My family worked the orchards and I picked the oranges and cotton buds right alongside them. I was taught how to filet fishes, tame and break horses, ride bareback and saddled, butcher and skin the various livestock… I learned it all. These were my vital organs for so long.

But now, my organs were pitted with alien speckles and growths. My hometown was no longer mine… and it felt freeing. I was free from the sexism, the racism, the pain and violence it all bore upon me. Though… it would never erase the memories and scars my hometown had left decades earlier…. it was a new start to continue to seek Yahuah’s love. He removed the familiar to make room for the Fresh, the Wakening, all that He provided.

The world is violent and it is terrifying. I’ve lived through disgusting acts besotted upon my being and my bones. But Yahuah is here to take that all away from me and to gift me with the World should I earn my place in it.

Obey His commands, Seek His heart, Love Him entirely with your soul and your being. Love Him always above anything and anyone else.

That’s what I’d learned this past year and I’d done my absolute best to stay with it. The world’s violences threaten me constantly with new tumors and news that breaks my spirit down over and over again… but I try to get back up as often and quick as I can.

But the time is coming and I know it deep inside of my core. The time is coming to go Home. I don’t want to look at it in the face because it’s a terrifying ordeal to transition through…. but it’s there. The clock is ticking faster and faster and it’s replaced the beat of my heart. The time is coming to go Home. I knelt in the soil and felt it slip past my fingers as I fumbled with the uneven terrain. I let it all go. He wanted me Home soon. And I’d give myself over to His will because that was the right thing to do.

Home is a sensation, a comfort that we seek in times of crisis. Mine was no longer of this earth, of this violent reality, but something and someOne greater than anything this reality could ever provide. Home was Yahuah. Home IS Yahuah. And I wish that so many people could see that, maybe then they’d learn to love one another and fear His Name. How much I’d wanted to share what I’d learned about His love… but no one listened. The nurses did, kindly, let me rattle on and on. One even read the Scriptures to me while I rested my head during an infusion. But the world wasn’t ready for His heart yet.

Home is where your heart is. My heart is with Yah… I felt the wind press through the bald patches in my hair. Home was not cancer, nor the treatment center, nor the hospital that I’d come to know so well. My abdomen ached. I had been here before, years back, and I wondered how far the progression of my cancer had been when I’d last been sitting on this field. I stared at the flat earth that encircled me with distant trucks and plows and tractors lazily bustling by. And it all felt too alien.

No…. no longer was this my home. This town that had raped and pillaged my innocence. This violent and terrible bubble of a world that had condoned my beatings and my submission to a man unkind and unruly. Though I loved these fields and these ranch lands, it no longer felt like my heart’s sensation of home. It felt so freeing to stand in that soil and take one last look around. I wiped the earth from my knees and I thanked Yahuah for His words in my spirit.

No longer would I ever venture back here. It was no longer of any importance to me… no longer of any use. It was no longer my home.

10…

…things to think of and do before all of this collides.

9…

…evils of the world that held me down and raped the innocence from my bones and my sinews, ravaging what purity there was left in my core.

8…

… hopes for the better life that awaits when we Waken…

That’s all I recall. Count Backwards from 10. A Life-story of SeraYah, the dawn that evil tore down.

I’m tired of all these appointments and these late night vitals checks. I’m exhausted of the blood that pours out and ruins my pants for the evening. I cling my hardest to my Father and hold fast to hope that He will deliver the world from the birthing pains that encompass us all these days.

There’s so much more to do and to prepare with just a week left to count it all backwards. Hours to go be sliced open and days to recuperate enough to come back on my own. My own… on my own. I never wanted to be on my own for these kinds of things. I always wanted someone to sit next to me during it all and tell me it’s going to be okay because Yah will guide us. But that’s not the case. I have to be my own defender and my own strength yet again in my life. I wish things were different but I have grown to just accept that this is the way my reality is. And that’s okay. It has to be okay.

Count backwards from ten. Can you tell us your name?

In the back of my mind I wonder if I knew that something was horribly wrong all along which is why I avoided going to the Dr for years. I was afraid on a subconscious level that everything would definitely come crashing down and the visits would be the doorway to it all. But I didn’t understand even if I did know there was something deeply wrong. I barely understand now.

Count backwards from ten… 9 works and wonders that Yahusha performs so that the world will glorify its proper Father, Yahuah. 8 brothers and sisters gathered together to celebrate the feasts of our Father… 7 days of laughter and pain under one roof. 6 things I will never experience in my life.

Can you tell us where you’re from? Do you know what year it is?

It’s the year of terrible agony, horrible and devastating losses and ruptures around the globe. It’s the year evils have pervaded and perverted the reality that is today. Yah, can you find any good left in this world? May the reality find You and find Your love quickly. Though I think it’s too late for that anymore.

Count backwards from ten… can you tell us your name? My name is pain and my reality is cancer. My name is “Come to exam room one” and “Hold your arm steady for me please”. There’s so much in the world I was already afraid of and my body shouldn’t be an additional worry… but here we are.

Though I undergo my own cancer, I can’t help but weep at the world as it continues to struggle within its own cancerous growth of hatred and ignorance.

We are the disease that consumes our own planet with little care. We tear our own people limb from limb on basis of bigotry, racism, and paranoia. We are the pagans that drink the blood of the innocent in some sort of ethnic genocide… what are we doing so far away from Yahuah’s commands?

I can’t fathom the riots. I can’t imagine the pains of the thousands and thousands of people who are suffering at the hands of the racist tumor that continues to strip us of any sort of saving grace.

My skin affords me a favorable privilege amongst the nations… but it shouldn’t be so. We shouldn’t be killing and demolishing anyone unfair in our eyes aesthetically because of our paranoid thoughts and systematic oppressionist views. The system is beyond broken. Pretending it doesn’t exist will not make the world equal in the background of your sunshine and kombucha lens. There will be murder, mayhem, and racism rampant.

How can we find Yahuah once more? At what point will we be fearful of Him and return? We are a disgraced children…. we are a growth full of pus and slimed with terrorism. At what point do we find our Original Parent once more? …Will He find us once more and continue to allow us to walk?

Go on and live your daily lives. Pretend your neck is not being kneeled upon, pretend your trachea and esophagus are not being torn from your flesh… hide behind the lenses of everyday routines and the blur of daily grievances. If this makes you uncomfortable understand the privilege that that feeling disguises. Ask yourself introspective questions about the state of the US and educate yourself on the matters at hand.

We are heading further and further into the black tar pits of Sheoul… choose your path with care.

I am thankful today for the sacrifices made by my elder Brother. For all that He has done for my life, I want to sit and be still. I want to thank Yahusha for all He sees fit to help me accomplish.

Today I sit outside and reflect on my scriptures. I am shamed of my crookedness that has caused my Yahusha so much problems trying to help me fix… But I am grateful for His work.

Smile today my friends because it is Shabbat and it is a day to set apart for the love of our Yah.

I pray for you all and that you all find your cleansing. I pray that you find reasons to smile and reasons to laugh. I set aside this moment to thank Yahusha for your time and your lives flourishing. đź’• thank you Yahusha!

It’s coming soon, and I can feel the strings of sorrow beginning to emerge from under my skin… like the webblings of veins being tugged loose from a nerve center.

I don’t know what I will feel this year.

My removal surgery has greatly affected my mental health this year. I can only imagine the amount of sorrow and grief my heart will experience as Mother’s Day is celebrated by the nations. As stupid as it is, I find it difficult to let go of that day because of all of my losses – I grew up in the nations with that day being a big reminder of motherhood and all things that I aspired to one day have. And now that my ovaries are gone… I will no longer biologically be able to produce my own children anymore. And that has a devastating toll on me.

I know I shouldn’t even count it as one of my days or give it a passing thought… but it always reminds me of the children I’ve carried in my womb. And all the little lives that are sleeping with their Father having been spared the shock of this world…. I should be grateful. I should ignore that day just like any other day… I should… I should I should. but how can I?

My heart is already in mourning and bitter anticipation of such a trainwreck of a day coming up on the calendar.

Praise Yahuah for another day on this earth, another day to pray and draw nearer to Him as we wait for the eternal.

Today I focus on Hebrews 7:25 to recall to mind the saving grace of Yahusha, our older Brother.

As I sit here in bed I wonder about the things that I cannot control. I have an anxiety disorder that often consumes my waking hours with intrusive thoughts and obsessive behaviors that I can’t control anymore. I spend a good amount of time frozen in fear. But I am trying to train myself to shy away from my fears of being forgotten and instead turn these moments into prayers to Yahusha.

Anxiety controls every aspect of my life. From what I wear to what I eat, and if I eat, what I say to what I think, it’s all enveloping. Yahusha has the power to rescue us and intercede on our behalf in any realm – including the anxious one. Should I just open my heart to prayers rather than compulsions I would be able to feel His presence nearer to me than I ever anticipated.

Yahusha, today I pray for Your help in discerning Your voice in my life.
I ask that You help me to hear You in my moments of anxiety and that You place Your calming hand on my life.

He is ready to intercede and is capable. Who could be here to condemn us when our First Fruits, our lamb, spilled His very own blood to interrupt our lives and our punishments to allow us chances to recover from loss and come back to our original parent. What truer love is there? Who can be against us when Yah is with us?

Today thank Him for interceding on our behalf. Today, thank Him.

Find yourselves moments to pray to Him and thank Him for all that He continues to do without our knowledge. Today thank Him for taking away the negative to bring forth the positive.

We are almost at the end of the Unleavened Week and I feel lighter than I have in the last year. Though my compulsions and my withdrawals are intense I feel less pressure and fear than I did last year. I have successfully removed all that holds me back and I am greater for the forsaken thoughts being taken than I ever was with them. There have been a lot of strong spiritual meditations where Yah speaks to me and helps me see the situations and people for who they really are. I’ve successfully come out of it with a healing heart in progress and condemned the part of me that held on for so long looking for apologies that would never come.

There will never be anyone who could intercede and love me the way Yahusha does. There will never exist a stronger, purer love than the one that Yah has in store for me. All I must do now is wait to enter into the Wakened life and be not afraid of this world and it’s troubles.

It’s another day of recovery, praise Yah.

As I weed through the memories that I need to forsake and remove from my heart, I think on the practice of removing this physical leaven from my life. I think on the spiritual level.

With cancer life gets full of unnecessary negativity. It becomes suffocating and hard to wade through. I held tightly to promises that I shouldn’t have that were made at the beginning of my diagnosis because I wanted desperately to believe I wasn’t alone… though, in the end, those promises were ultimately hollow.

I work through my grief in different ways depending on the subject. As I gear up to celebrate my FIRST set of Spring Feasts, I am reflecting on my year. Cancer has been one hell of a journey so far. I am scared and I am trying my best to mourn the person I wanted to be as effectively as possible. What this means looks different to everyone (according to the doctor), but it’s important that I reflect so that I can move forward.

People who don’t understand the pains and loneliness that cancer and sickness bring are often on a different timeline of grieving than we are. They expect us to get over and past things that they’ve already grieved themselves quicker than we realistically can. But piles of emotional problems and doctor’s visits alongside managing everyone else’s reactions to your cancer are not things they see on the daily end.

We can’t move past things sometimes because we’re busy moving past and mourning other things, bigger things, than ourselves.

My body is weak and so is my heart sometimes, most times. I am trying to press forward and beyond this time in my life but the weight of cancerous tumors drags me to the back of the line oftentimes. I want to get on the same timeline as everyone else but I simply can’t do it. I can keep trying or I can accept the timeline that Yahuah has given to me instead.

My heart is not as clean as I’d like it to be before the Spring feasts, but my spirit is trying harder than it has ever tried to get closer to Him. I want Him to smile at the world and see that there is still some good left here.

Let no one tell you that you’re not doing good enough, that you’re not working along to their timeline. Let NO ONE command you except for Yahuah, Yahusha, and our Ruach. If you submit your apologies and your repentance, let it be to Yah. No man should command your heart or your healing to go in the way they want it to go. If you’re still healing and mourning the loss of a loved one, then mourn and heal on your timeline! They cannot live that pain for you, they can only watch and complain from the sidelines.

Only Yah searches the hearts and knows the souls of His followers.

This weekend was difficult, but much will come from it. I finally stood up for myself against one of my most painful memories and ultimately am better for it despite my pain.

Timelines are tragedies in their own rights. I don’t believe that there are true timelines we are meant to follow. I am trying my hardest to finish my own time in my own way, healing as best I can before Yah comes to my side to take me. I am working through my emotions and my pains. I am trying to make Him smile.

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the reign of the heavens. (MT 5:3)

I’m currently working on Psalms 37 once again to maintain hope as the days draw nearer.

These are a few of my translations of the Word. My favorite is TS2009 followed by HLLYH, then CSB, NIV, and ESV. I have the JUB, and CEPHER in digital formats only.

I sent a message to uphold my promise before Yahuah. I’m staring at the rain from my bedroom windows. I’m glad the Word has brought me comfort in these lonely days. I’m hungry but that’s okay. I’m feeling something and that’s what I am glad for. Feeling things.

My heart is heavy with recent memories bloomed in the land of dreams. I remember how you used to think of me and how we smiled in photos together. I laugh at your making fun of me for sneezing before every photo. I miss you above anything else at the moment but that’s okay.

I’m weak at the moment and Yahusha is sitting in my room with me, listening as I cry and plead. I never wanted to die alone but I feel the encroachment of that physical distance and it hurts. It’s human for me to want someone to check on me. It’s okay for me to feel forgotten in this pandemic. I’m trying to validate my feelings as best I can while managing medications, sickness, and self.

I do heartwork every day. I feel moved beyond aspects, frozen in others. I’m doing my best to prepare for Other World things.

The rain is beautiful. I’ll miss this sight.

A slight set back, but that’s okay.
I’m currently able to walk okay now! I am still waiting for a few appointments, chemo is growing ever closer, and I am cleaning up my area to prepare for moving out. So many things changing!

I was gifted another translation of the Scriptures by a nurse again, and I am ever thankful for their kindness during my trying time. Especially since I had hit her with my legs when she was trying to draw blood from me!

Yahuah sends His messages when we least expect them. Tonight is a new moon, tomorrow a new month. So today I let go of the past as best I can.

I let go of the apologies that I wish I had received but never appeared.
I breathe out the pain and heartache you left me with this year.
I am struggling to stand but I try my hardest to put my foot forward into a new month for a new start towards my journey. I’m in pain and still recovering, but I am trying to walk the best I can according to Yahuah’s will… and if this is His will, then I listen to His directions.

I will walk humbly and with the direction He gives.
I will love mercy and push myself to forgive you both in my own time with Yahusha’s help.
I will do right by Yah.