Yahuah Reigns, Yahusha Saves!

Posts tagged christianity

Aside from cancer, I’ve lived with chronic panic attacks and generalized anxiety disorder since my early teenage years.

This morning I think on the topic as I drink my tea. I remember the question I’ve had posed to me since the beginning: have I always been like this or was I pushed into this kind of thing?

I suffer from debilitating panic attacks nearly 3 times a day, 5 days out of the week. If you know what a panic attack is or feels like I am SO sorry. If you don’t I am so glad for you. It feels like a freight train is slamming into you with its full power and you feel like you’re going to have a heart attack and die right at that very moment. I’ve dropped off my medication regimen to try to detox and remain constant in my faith and my decisions regarding that realm… unfortunately, that means trying to readjust and cope with my anxiety as best I can without any medication interventions to stop the escalation. I am relying entirely on my own wits to outrun and conquer my debilitating fear of any/everything.

And that’s difficult.

I beg myself to remember the above mantra as I push through my pain and fears. With Yahuah, all things can be made a reality, all things can be conquered.

I needn’t fear my Walk because I walk alongside Yahusha’s grace. I am led into the world with an excellent example of peace by my side. I can do all things through Elohim who empowers me… including getting a hold of my mental health. Though I struggle I can find comfort in the fact that my Father made me perfectly in His image and He understands that I have the power to take back control of my issues and panics.

Life with anxiety is not easy in the slightest bit. It’s not just a little bit of worry over some minor or semi-large things – it’s an all encompassing feeling of doom and dread, of paralyzing fear and accompanying terrors of daily life. Everything can be a trigger for a repressed or apparent memory of trauma.

Today I locked my door eight times because I was worried that someone would break into my apartment and steal all my things if I didn’t check at least -one- more time that the door was locked. I spent 20 minutes washing my hands to rid myself of the invisible bacteria that I just knew would make me sicker than I already was. I perfectly poured my milk because I was fearful that spilling it would mean that I’d get a thousand ants and bugs in my home. I spent a lot of time worried about the global pandemic and its ramifications on the world’s economy. I couldn’t concentrate on making myself some food the other day because I was obsessively researching the ingredients to make sure my cancerous body wouldn’t react to the enriched grains or hard to pronounce names of things in the products I wanted to consume (that took away a good 2 hours and I wasn’t hungry at the end of it.)

I often go through cycles of panic and anxiety that don’t find an end… just an everlooping repetition through the hours of the day. I worry a lot about everything all the time. It wears me out, and having a cancer diagnosis doesn’t make anything any easier. I worry about the state of the world and the state of my living room. I worry about washing my hands and healthcare workers facing the virus on the front lines. I always have a sense of dread from the “next bad thing” coming around the corner ready to strike at any moment… so I am always on high alert at all hours of the day and that is mentally exhausting!

I can do all things through Yahuah. I can control my fears and find a way to ease my panic attacks. Though they may be mighty and powerful now it doesn’t mean they always will be. I have faith in my Father that He will provide a solution in some way to these issues that I face. He is perfect, and He will come to my side to help me figure something out that will work for my life. 🙂

Do not, then, worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow shall have its own worries. Each day has enough evil of itself. [MT 6:34]

It’s another day of recovery, praise Yah.

As I weed through the memories that I need to forsake and remove from my heart, I think on the practice of removing this physical leaven from my life. I think on the spiritual level.

With cancer life gets full of unnecessary negativity. It becomes suffocating and hard to wade through. I held tightly to promises that I shouldn’t have that were made at the beginning of my diagnosis because I wanted desperately to believe I wasn’t alone… though, in the end, those promises were ultimately hollow.

I work through my grief in different ways depending on the subject. As I gear up to celebrate my FIRST set of Spring Feasts, I am reflecting on my year. Cancer has been one hell of a journey so far. I am scared and I am trying my best to mourn the person I wanted to be as effectively as possible. What this means looks different to everyone (according to the doctor), but it’s important that I reflect so that I can move forward.

People who don’t understand the pains and loneliness that cancer and sickness bring are often on a different timeline of grieving than we are. They expect us to get over and past things that they’ve already grieved themselves quicker than we realistically can. But piles of emotional problems and doctor’s visits alongside managing everyone else’s reactions to your cancer are not things they see on the daily end.

We can’t move past things sometimes because we’re busy moving past and mourning other things, bigger things, than ourselves.

My body is weak and so is my heart sometimes, most times. I am trying to press forward and beyond this time in my life but the weight of cancerous tumors drags me to the back of the line oftentimes. I want to get on the same timeline as everyone else but I simply can’t do it. I can keep trying or I can accept the timeline that Yahuah has given to me instead.

My heart is not as clean as I’d like it to be before the Spring feasts, but my spirit is trying harder than it has ever tried to get closer to Him. I want Him to smile at the world and see that there is still some good left here.

Let no one tell you that you’re not doing good enough, that you’re not working along to their timeline. Let NO ONE command you except for Yahuah, Yahusha, and our Ruach. If you submit your apologies and your repentance, let it be to Yah. No man should command your heart or your healing to go in the way they want it to go. If you’re still healing and mourning the loss of a loved one, then mourn and heal on your timeline! They cannot live that pain for you, they can only watch and complain from the sidelines.

Only Yah searches the hearts and knows the souls of His followers.

This weekend was difficult, but much will come from it. I finally stood up for myself against one of my most painful memories and ultimately am better for it despite my pain.

Timelines are tragedies in their own rights. I don’t believe that there are true timelines we are meant to follow. I am trying my hardest to finish my own time in my own way, healing as best I can before Yah comes to my side to take me. I am working through my emotions and my pains. I am trying to make Him smile.

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the reign of the heavens. (MT 5:3)

I’m currently working on Psalms 37 once again to maintain hope as the days draw nearer.

These are a few of my translations of the Word. My favorite is TS2009 followed by HLLYH, then CSB, NIV, and ESV. I have the JUB, and CEPHER in digital formats only.

I sent a message to uphold my promise before Yahuah. I’m staring at the rain from my bedroom windows. I’m glad the Word has brought me comfort in these lonely days. I’m hungry but that’s okay. I’m feeling something and that’s what I am glad for. Feeling things.

My heart is heavy with recent memories bloomed in the land of dreams. I remember how you used to think of me and how we smiled in photos together. I laugh at your making fun of me for sneezing before every photo. I miss you above anything else at the moment but that’s okay.

I’m weak at the moment and Yahusha is sitting in my room with me, listening as I cry and plead. I never wanted to die alone but I feel the encroachment of that physical distance and it hurts. It’s human for me to want someone to check on me. It’s okay for me to feel forgotten in this pandemic. I’m trying to validate my feelings as best I can while managing medications, sickness, and self.

I do heartwork every day. I feel moved beyond aspects, frozen in others. I’m doing my best to prepare for Other World things.

The rain is beautiful. I’ll miss this sight.

HalaluYahuah!✨💛 We have two groups now – one on FB Messenger and one on Group Me.

If you’d like to be added to the Facebook one, please leave your username/ Facebook name in the comments and I’ll try to add you – give me an idea of your profile picture so I can add the right person!

I am so thankful for your support. Thank YOU! 🥰🥰

How can we apply this reading to your situation today? How is Yahuah trying to reach you, what is He trying to remind you of?

In the middle of the Shadow of the Valley of Death, I sing my praises to my Father. This may be His plan but I will esteem and rejoice in all that He has to offer me until my last breath.

I apply this reminder today and remind myself of Yahuah’s Plans for my feet. I remind myself of Yahusha’s love for me. It may be dark and full of hopeless feelings but I will try my hardest to make it to the end of the journey peacefully.

Sing your praises, you people of the earth! Give thanks for all that you are blessed with today – the breath you take, given to us from our Father. The food you eat, the water you drink, all that you see – all has come to be through HIM! Smile and rejoice – it is all come to be and has already been done.

Give thanks and Sings your Praises all you people.

Don’t forget to join my Faith Fellowship Group!

It’s a slow start, but as they say.. if you build it, they WILL come! I am praying for the right fellowship after being turned away so many times by those around me.

Don’t be afraid to join me! 🥰 I can’t wait to help inspire you & share scripture with YOU! 💛 Open to all believers of the Walk of Truth & Righteousness. ✨

Today’s Scripture Study: YirmeYahu 29:11
Topic for this week: Stress and Heartbreak.

As I stand for the first time in a day and waddle over to the bathroom across the hall, I stretch my feet a little more than my injured stride has allowed so far. My incision stings at me, a hissing of scabbing gauze and angry blood clotting. As I stand leaning against the sink I ask myself where I went wrong to wind up with such a heartbreaking situation on my hands.


Yahuah’s timing and plans are perfect in every way but that doesn’t mean that I don’t sometimes question them. I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t at least wonder why the things that happen do. My heart’s desire has always been to have at least one single living child to raise and love on with my entire being and soul… but my feet have wound up in the pathway of ovarian cancer. I can no longer have my own biological child due to my recent surgery.

Expectancy: the state of thinking or hoping that something, especially something pleasant, will happen or be the case. (noun.)

Well.. of course I hope that something pleasant will surprise me. So there’s that off the list… But the verse states that we are to be given a future free of evils. How can this be so? There’s that small slimmer of doubt again wiggling into my anxiety’s weaknesses. Yahusha was just as I was at one point – weak and emotionally lost at His path. Yahuah brought His feet to the way they were meant to go, to a path of excellence and to His right hand. If He were to do this for His beloved Son, then what will Yah do for me as His daughter?

I am lost, and I am hurting. My incision is bleeding a little again. My legs are giving out beneath me so I sit on the bathroom floor to rest a little before taking the thousand mile trek across the hall to my bed.

What kind of future is there in the ruins of what has happened in my life so far?

I am young. I am 29 to be exact, and a year ago I was happily counting down the days until my second year anniversary with the absolute love of my life. Now…. I am leaning my head against the pinewood of my bathroom sink cabinets hoping for some strength to crawl back to my bedroom to heal from the removal of both of my ovaries due to an aggressive ovarian cancer that is overtaking my system.

Chemotherapy starts in a few weeks. I am potentially relocating to be closer to the one specialist who may be able to help with palliative care and my bleeding disorder.

Time takes us all.

The pathway to endurance and expectancy are riddled with potholes and blackouts. I am unhappy with my current situation but my Scriptures tell me to rejoice in the trying and working of my patience. Yahuah and His timing are absolute and lovely. This all has to be leading me to an expectancy that I would never have dreamed of… right?

Lexicon – Expectancy.

Hope, the perfect word for exactly what I need. Hope from Yahuah.

Application: Hope.

How is Yahuah’s Lesson today trying to help me?
I am in pain and needed to see a message of Hope today. This helps my heart in that it revitalizes the weariness that I’ve experienced these past few days. My heart was hurt last night in a place it shouldn’t have gone and I paid the price. I feel that there is no hope, but Yahuah will ALWAYS provide a way to the promises He gives.

What is Yahuah Trying to Tell Me?
I believe that Yahuah has given me a reminder to always find His esteem and His plans perfect for my feet. I will apply this reminder to my heart to hold myself stronger.

Shalom my family!

Today as I sit up from my bed and read my Scripture, I study MattithYahu 7.

Particularly 7:12 has stuck to my heart and I felt it beneficial to you all to share this with you all.

I recall recently that I had a fellow sister vindictively veil her “assistance” with insults and painful words. This was just before she departed on her own pathway for her own reasons. Tonight I pray for her healing and that she may reflect on herself.

The timing of Yahuah is always perfect – this turmoil with this sister brought me to this lesson as I stewed in why this “kiss off” felt so wrong. I have since forgiven her trespasses for I understand that there was bitterness in her heart that she may address with Yahuah at her own timing and I truly wish her the best on her judgement day.

But it struck a cord – would you treat yourself the way you treated me as I lay on bedrest, recuperating from the first surgery of many for cancerous tumors? Would you wish to be treated coldly and vindictively when the Scriptures ask that we emulate our perfect Brother in his selflessness? We are allowed to walk away from things that make us uncomfortable but the bond of sisterhood and helping our fellow sick rises above petty vindictiveness. I am hopeful that she will find a path to some serious heartwork on her end regarding her denial and bitterness. But it begs that question… how are we treating others? How are we holding the Scriptural Laws in our hearts?

Because the poor one does not cease from the land. Therefore I am commanding you, saying, ‘You shall certainly open your hand to your brother, to your poor and to your needy one, in your land.’ ”

Debarim/Deutoronomy 15:11

Bear one another’s burdens, and so complete the Torah of Messiah.3For if anyone thinks himself to be somebody, when he is not, he deceives himself.4But let each one examine his own work, and then he shall have boasting in himself alone, and not in another.5For each one shall bear his own burden.

Galatiyim 6:2-5

Because he who sows to his own flesh shall reap corruption from the flesh, but he who sows to the Spirit shall reap everlasting life from the Spirit.9And let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not grow weary.10So then, as we have occasion, let us do good to all, especially to those who are of the household of the belief.

Galatiyim 6: 6-10

For Elohim is not unrighteous to forget your work and labour of love which you have shown toward His Name, in that you have attended to the set-apart ones, and still attend.

Ib’rim 6:10

These are just a few examples from the Scriptures that push us to help one another, to pick up our brothers and sisters in Messiah’s image and to give of ourselves as we’d love to be given to in our own time of need.

I included Galatiyim because I wanted to be sure to understand that I am also accountable for my own deeds and actions. I will give my heart and shoulders to those who ask whatever of me that they are in need of – give my inner garment as well as my outer and my cheek to my sister who hurt my heart. I will give her all that she wishes for because she is my family. I sow to the Ruach, to the everlasting goals of holding our hearts to the Highest. I will examine the works of my hands and my heart to understand from my Elohim how I speak and how I address my family onwards in my journey.

My family, love one another. Do so much good that it bursts from your hearts and falls from your lips each day.

This is My command, that you love one another, as I have loved you. No one has greater love than this: that one should lay down his life for his friends.

Yohanan 15: 12, 13

Love one another as Messiah has loved us – perfectly, unconditionally, and forgiving of all faults.

I have created a GroupMe messaging group for those who wish to study together, share inspirational words, and uplift one another in shared belief. 🙂

Please don’t hesitate to share the link with those you believe may wish to join! I understand not always are we able to gather together physically… but at least we may speak to our Set Apart brethren across the world… across a screen! HalaluYahuah that we may come together in prayer!

I will be creating a separate group from the list of members I received willing to meet physically for study so that we can keep physical locations between us. I respect your privacy!

Thank you. 🙂 Share wide and far, my family!