Yahuah Reigns, Yahusha Saves!

Posts tagged depression

Aside from cancer, I’ve lived with chronic panic attacks and generalized anxiety disorder since my early teenage years.

This morning I think on the topic as I drink my tea. I remember the question I’ve had posed to me since the beginning: have I always been like this or was I pushed into this kind of thing?

I suffer from debilitating panic attacks nearly 3 times a day, 5 days out of the week. If you know what a panic attack is or feels like I am SO sorry. If you don’t I am so glad for you. It feels like a freight train is slamming into you with its full power and you feel like you’re going to have a heart attack and die right at that very moment. I’ve dropped off my medication regimen to try to detox and remain constant in my faith and my decisions regarding that realm… unfortunately, that means trying to readjust and cope with my anxiety as best I can without any medication interventions to stop the escalation. I am relying entirely on my own wits to outrun and conquer my debilitating fear of any/everything.

And that’s difficult.

I beg myself to remember the above mantra as I push through my pain and fears. With Yahuah, all things can be made a reality, all things can be conquered.

I needn’t fear my Walk because I walk alongside Yahusha’s grace. I am led into the world with an excellent example of peace by my side. I can do all things through Elohim who empowers me… including getting a hold of my mental health. Though I struggle I can find comfort in the fact that my Father made me perfectly in His image and He understands that I have the power to take back control of my issues and panics.

Life with anxiety is not easy in the slightest bit. It’s not just a little bit of worry over some minor or semi-large things – it’s an all encompassing feeling of doom and dread, of paralyzing fear and accompanying terrors of daily life. Everything can be a trigger for a repressed or apparent memory of trauma.

Today I locked my door eight times because I was worried that someone would break into my apartment and steal all my things if I didn’t check at least -one- more time that the door was locked. I spent 20 minutes washing my hands to rid myself of the invisible bacteria that I just knew would make me sicker than I already was. I perfectly poured my milk because I was fearful that spilling it would mean that I’d get a thousand ants and bugs in my home. I spent a lot of time worried about the global pandemic and its ramifications on the world’s economy. I couldn’t concentrate on making myself some food the other day because I was obsessively researching the ingredients to make sure my cancerous body wouldn’t react to the enriched grains or hard to pronounce names of things in the products I wanted to consume (that took away a good 2 hours and I wasn’t hungry at the end of it.)

I often go through cycles of panic and anxiety that don’t find an end… just an everlooping repetition through the hours of the day. I worry a lot about everything all the time. It wears me out, and having a cancer diagnosis doesn’t make anything any easier. I worry about the state of the world and the state of my living room. I worry about washing my hands and healthcare workers facing the virus on the front lines. I always have a sense of dread from the “next bad thing” coming around the corner ready to strike at any moment… so I am always on high alert at all hours of the day and that is mentally exhausting!

I can do all things through Yahuah. I can control my fears and find a way to ease my panic attacks. Though they may be mighty and powerful now it doesn’t mean they always will be. I have faith in my Father that He will provide a solution in some way to these issues that I face. He is perfect, and He will come to my side to help me figure something out that will work for my life. 🙂

Do not, then, worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow shall have its own worries. Each day has enough evil of itself. [MT 6:34]

Often, I wonder how I can feel like I am doing all the right things and yet still be getting sicker. Still be getting worse and worse news. Still be suffering and left wondering, where am I going wrong?

Cancer is a total and all-encompassing disease that sometimes I find hard to believe isn’t just manufactured to replicate income sales for “Big Pharma”. I find it uncomfortable to believe that Yahuah, the Most High, would afflict anyone in His flock with this devastation.

After my recent suicide attempt and hospitalization my doctors decided removing my medications was negligent (my words, not theirs) and replaced my dosages with max’d out numbers again, plus another to help stabilize my depression. It’s left me feeling… number than I thought… but at least I am not actively suicidal. I can deal with my thoughts by placing the boxes in the backroom of the broken down conveyor warehouse and go on with my day.

I have all the more check-ins, constant questions of “how is your day going” from nurses, and pin pricks, needle points, blood draws, and eventually more invasive procedures. But I still ask myself… how am I getting sicker? Is Yahuah angry with me, am I continuing to do all the more bad than good in His eyes so this is His answer?

I attempted to end my life because of a myriad of reasons I may eventually right about but one of them was because I felt I wasn’t good enough for Yahuah. I know He sent me this news to teach me more lessons on valuing my life and I don’t understand why He continues to save it (that makes 16 suicide attempts in my 30 years.) I don’t understand anything. I don’t want to pretend that I do because I know I don’t understand the ways of Yah.

Storm sickness rocked my weekend. I threw up blood and migraines popped vessels in my eyes. I feel like I am guilty of sins I don’t know anything about. I’m beginning to live in a state of constant fear and even more anxiety that I am doing wrong by Yah and this is why my life is becoming so increasingly difficult. Because I’m not good enough.

I don’t want to live like this, I know He is an all encompassing love and gentle to His flock. Logically I understand that. But emotionally I am a frightened sheep wandering too close to the edge of a cliff.

I’m still upset about what happened a few weeks ago.

I had been down to nothing in my pantry nor my fridge and was struggling to find a way to make a journey to my very first Chemotherapy appointment. I reached out to the only two Belief siblings I had here because I had no one else I could potentially trust. I asked for a baggy of rice or pasta, and if they could help me find a way to my important appointment.

They never responded.

It hurts my heart to realize that the kindness and the loved Heart of the Messiah is not in their chests. I cried to my Father and I asked Him, how could they allow their own sister to starve to death? I went two days without food before a stranger on the internet offered to give me a bag of their own rice from their family of four. I cried the entire time they came and dropped off their food.

This woman had a baby who was teething at home and she spared me a morsel of her own pantry, food she could have used for her babies and her husband. But my brother and my sister couldn’t even respond to tell me they were unable because they needed to feed their own family. Instead, they flat out ignored my begging for help.

I understand plenty of things and reasons why there is silence but at the same time I would never allow my personal feelings to cloud my Messiah’s heart within me. If anyone came to me begging for food they’d be provisioned with all that I could spare at the moment and then some. I could never allow selfishness and my own feelings to hurt someone in need.

So I thanked my Yahuah for sending His angel to my stairs with her food and I begged Him to correct the error of my siblings ways. They cannot walk in this life with such a cold heart to the needy and poor in health, I beg that He is not too stern but that His point is made cross their hearts.

I prayed for their correction. It’s hard to know that your Belief siblings are not living the Truth wholly but I pray that they are finding their way back through His hands. I guess things are different in practice than in Scripture… but it should not be that way! Regardless of how we personally feel, we should not block one another and fear… we should welcome forgiveness and shelter those who are starving from spiritual or physical need.

So today I ask that you ask Yahuah to give you the Heart of Kindness and Love that the Messiah has perfectly embodied for us. I pray that He corrects you if you stray from the Path of truth and that you whole heartedly accept His discipline, understanding that it is for your benefit not your demise.

I pray for the world to one day come back to the Laws and the goodness that Yahuah has provided for us….

Chemo has been REALLY hard on my body and my mind.

I am a lot of things right now… but I am weak most of all. Abba, why have you put me through this? I stand here caked in tears and blood before you. My Father where is the Light that only You can bring into my life?

Chemo is really painful and this is only my second round. I feel an unusual burst of writing so here I am. I thank you allll for your prayers and your well wishings, I read every single one of them and pray for your well-being.

I will get back on teaching about the wonders of Yahuah, His beautiful graces, and His healing love as soon as I can. Right now it’s all my energy to continue to lead the digital eFellowship I’ve created for the Austin area – AAWF. They’re learning about the love of Yahuah and His true name through my teachings. I am grateful He has asked me to do this much for Him though I be sick.

I am doing the best I can, Yahuah. Can you see me?

They changed my dosage for my antidepressants, and I feel even worse and far more manic than I did before… and yet, when I call them to let them know that I am … really not myself, they tell me to just let the 6 weeks pass with me on this dose, then see if anything changes.

I feel like every day I need to take a super cocktail of medical grade pharmaceuticals in order to function. I continually fight it for more holistic methods, but my funding requires me to comply to the doctor’s orders. There’s little to no wiggle room.

This new dosage makes me feel incredibly depressed…. far more than I was before. It’s been a year of darkness and I find less and less reasons to wake up. I told my doctor that and they just told me to wait the six weeks.

These pills aren’t me.

HalaluYahuah!✨💛 We have two groups now – one on FB Messenger and one on Group Me.

If you’d like to be added to the Facebook one, please leave your username/ Facebook name in the comments and I’ll try to add you – give me an idea of your profile picture so I can add the right person!

I am so thankful for your support. Thank YOU! 🥰🥰

Alone and afraid, I decide to take today to lay in my bed and allow myself room to feel. Room to cry and wail. Finally enough time to let the emotional torrent of memories and thoughts will flow down as I’ve been pushing them out of my mind to try to ignore them for as long as possible.

Today I feel the overwhelming pain of this coming week.

February 14 meant so much to me for two years. It was our anniversary. I will post more on this later.. for now, this is as far as I will mention it.

Recently I have taken steps back in my recovery. And that’s okay. There’s no manual on how to recuperate properly for all your emotions, bodily pains, and mental troubles. Walking has hurt so badly I was at the hospital for a bit being checked. They sent me home with inconclusive results and a stronger painkiller.

Today I will lay in my bed and listen to the rain. I have storm sickness so I will cry and scream, I will suffer boldly. Because I haven’t been letting myself express my internal turmoil for fear it would hurt Yahuah. But Yahuah wants me emotionally healthy too .. and today I will take those steps back and be comfortable in my pains as best I can. I will try to express them and find my will to survive again.

Today I will cry. I will pray that Yahusha holds me and comforts me. I will stay alone in my darkened recovery room and I will sob my heart out. It is all that I can do but I am grateful to be doing something.

I am a few days from my bilateral oophorectomy and my abdomen hurts so much. I’m incredibly lonely as no one has checked on me. And I’m so sore from the procedure I feel like I can barely get out of my bed.

They said I should be returning back to normal soon… But it really doesn’t feel like I will.

This is an incredibly difficult time for my heart. I always wanted children… And now I don’t have the chance. I’m extremely heart broken. I don’t know what else to say besides that.

Please send me prayers! He is concerned for me, I know. Yahusha intercedes on my behalf and They are both watching over me. My heart is just broken and I’d love some company to help me out of this darkness.

I am breathing.

Today, I AM ALIVE with the glory of Yah’s blessings.

My body hurts, but my heart is full of love for Yahusha’s guiding light in my life.

Today I needed yet another quick visit to the doctor to pull blood, draw some diagrams of the upcoming few months of my financial life (not really, but I’d love to have a few!) and to get a few things sorted out.

I cried in the parking lot for a good ten minutes before I went in there.

I couldn’t believe I was sitting here at the oncologist. I’m not even 30 and I am here trying to piece my life together after this earth shattering journey.

How do we pick ourselves up when there’s nothing left to fall back on? I asked myself. My heart pounded in my chest and I felt my forehead beginning to throb in another self induced migraine from all the crying. To help calm my racing anxieties I reached for my scriptures that lay in my bag on the seat next to me. I prayed for about a minute for the strength I needed to walk in those doors and not just flee from the entire situation.

This is the first passage that sprang to my eyes after I opened His Word in my lap.

Be strong and courageous, do not fear nor be afraid of them. For it is your Elohim who is going with you. He does not fail you nor forsake you. [Deu/Deb 31:6]

My eyes welled with tears… but this time for an entirely different reason. My heart was touched. In the midst of my fear and panic… Yah had seen me, and He’d given me His word that He was by my side.

It is so easy to forget that our Father holds us in our moments of weakness. Unfortunately it is far more accessible to our minds that we are alone and the world is crumbling around our very bodies. I struggle with anxiety and I continuously try to challenge it… but I am often not the winner in these fights. But that doesn’t stop me from trying. I am grateful that I reach for the Scripture now instead of balling myself mentally and letting my anxiety and depression beat me up.

It’s going to be a long journey… but it’s going to be one that I am not going to face alone. There may not be anyone with me physically and that may hurt beyond measure… but Yahuah will never leave my side. He will never forsake nor fail me. What better warrior to have on our sides than the Creator of All, and our Elder Brother? What better spirit to fill our bones than the Ruach? Hllyh.

So I read and re-read the message my Father had for me. I wiped my face with a balled up napkin I found in my car (don’t judge me!) and I took a few seconds to calm my breathing. Unfortunately… the people inside were all too used to my crying face and we had an unspoken agreement not to talk about the red puffiness etched all over my nose and eyes. I gathered my book bag and as I stood there locking my car… I thought…. how thankful I was that my Father had sent me such a loving message. I’d have never gotten out of the car without His encouragement.

And I began walking. I walked towards the doors… with Yahuah’s arm along my back. Yes I was still crying… but I was able to keep a calmer exterior and keep my stride a little steady. I was able to move forward.

Today I pray that you are all blessed and that your day does not become filled with fear nor anger like mine had. I pray that your hearts are touched just as mine was by Messiah, by Elohim, by the Ruach. I pray that all my brothers and sisters may have this kind of moment every day in their lives so that they may experience the love that our Father has for us.