Aside from cancer, I’ve lived with chronic panic attacks and generalized anxiety disorder since my early teenage years.
This morning I think on the topic as I drink my tea. I remember the question I’ve had posed to me since the beginning: have I always been like this or was I pushed into this kind of thing?
I suffer from debilitating panic attacks nearly 3 times a day, 5 days out of the week. If you know what a panic attack is or feels like I am SO sorry. If you don’t I am so glad for you. It feels like a freight train is slamming into you with its full power and you feel like you’re going to have a heart attack and die right at that very moment. I’ve dropped off my medication regimen to try to detox and remain constant in my faith and my decisions regarding that realm… unfortunately, that means trying to readjust and cope with my anxiety as best I can without any medication interventions to stop the escalation. I am relying entirely on my own wits to outrun and conquer my debilitating fear of any/everything.
And that’s difficult.
I beg myself to remember the above mantra as I push through my pain and fears. With Yahuah, all things can be made a reality, all things can be conquered.
I needn’t fear my Walk because I walk alongside Yahusha’s grace. I am led into the world with an excellent example of peace by my side. I can do all things through Elohim who empowers me… including getting a hold of my mental health. Though I struggle I can find comfort in the fact that my Father made me perfectly in His image and He understands that I have the power to take back control of my issues and panics.
Life with anxiety is not easy in the slightest bit. It’s not just a little bit of worry over some minor or semi-large things – it’s an all encompassing feeling of doom and dread, of paralyzing fear and accompanying terrors of daily life. Everything can be a trigger for a repressed or apparent memory of trauma.
Today I locked my door eight times because I was worried that someone would break into my apartment and steal all my things if I didn’t check at least -one- more time that the door was locked. I spent 20 minutes washing my hands to rid myself of the invisible bacteria that I just knew would make me sicker than I already was. I perfectly poured my milk because I was fearful that spilling it would mean that I’d get a thousand ants and bugs in my home. I spent a lot of time worried about the global pandemic and its ramifications on the world’s economy. I couldn’t concentrate on making myself some food the other day because I was obsessively researching the ingredients to make sure my cancerous body wouldn’t react to the enriched grains or hard to pronounce names of things in the products I wanted to consume (that took away a good 2 hours and I wasn’t hungry at the end of it.)
I often go through cycles of panic and anxiety that don’t find an end… just an everlooping repetition through the hours of the day. I worry a lot about everything all the time. It wears me out, and having a cancer diagnosis doesn’t make anything any easier. I worry about the state of the world and the state of my living room. I worry about washing my hands and healthcare workers facing the virus on the front lines. I always have a sense of dread from the “next bad thing” coming around the corner ready to strike at any moment… so I am always on high alert at all hours of the day and that is mentally exhausting!
I can do all things through Yahuah. I can control my fears and find a way to ease my panic attacks. Though they may be mighty and powerful now it doesn’t mean they always will be. I have faith in my Father that He will provide a solution in some way to these issues that I face. He is perfect, and He will come to my side to help me figure something out that will work for my life. 🙂
Do not, then, worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow shall have its own worries. Each day has enough evil of itself. [MT 6:34]