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Yahuah Reigns, Yahusha Saves!

Posts tagged healing

I love love love fall and I cannot wait for the next cold front. I’m waiting by the windows in my sweaters, my cardigans, my scarves and my hats.

These past few weeks have taught me a lot about being c o z y. What does that mean?

“Giving a feeling of comfort, warmth, and relaxation.” – definition from some website that I just googled for time’s sake. Coziness is something I aspire to these days. I’ve stopped chemotherapy, I’ve stopped my medical treatments and I’m taking a trust fall into Yah’s loving embrace. That’s difficult to wrap my head around these days… and I want to try to get cozy with it.

I try to seek comfort in this verse at all the times that I feel myself fading from the Light. I fear my death more and more each day and I am trying to get cozy with it… it’s NOT a death sentence. It’s a transition. A transition to a better Place, to a World of love and light. Where I can see my children once again and love on them. I am trying to get comfortable with the idea of a lot of things these days… and it’s exceedingly difficult keeping up with everything honestly.

So how do I get cozy? How do I find the path towards comfort and warmth? I started once again by praying every morning and night… something I found difficult to begin anew due to my recent falling away. But I am diligent in my thanksgiving prayers. I am hopeful for a path to the warmth of Yah’s graces. How do we find comfort in anything these days with everything feeling like it’s hopeless. Here are a few ways I’ve found some solace …

  • Treating each day as a gift rather than a burden. I’ve fallen before into the trap of dreading waking up each day and hating the life that I was living before cancer struck me… and I made a change. Instead of dread I’ve woken up each day with thanks in my heart for another sunrise of possibilities.
  • Trying to find new things to do, rather than laying around waiting for things to happen. Though I get tired so often and quickly these days I make it a goal to get comfortable doing ONE new thing a day no matter how small it seems to me. A new thing from the day before… like a new coffee creamer or a new phrase to say. Something NEW and able to shake up the ordinary. 🙂
  • Finding joy in simple pleasures like coffee, sweaters, and home decor. I am guilty of loooooooooving Animal Crossing and enjoying the aspect of decorating small spaces. One of the new things I’ve started is digging up old things from storage to redecorate my living space in order to find fresh energy in my life. I created a “selfie self-care corner” with a new mirror I found and some old vines and lights, added some positivity inspiring signs, and voila! A new corner to sit and enjoy when I am feeling down.
  • Writing practice in my journals! I LOVE JOURNALING and PLANNING! I’ve recently fallen into a funk because my handwriting was getting messier and messier due to a lack of practice… but I decided recently, NO! I let that happen so I need to make time to write and get my feelings onto paper while practicing my penmanship again. I print out cute pictures, loving photos, and quotes to inspire me in my little journals. I put down future plans, short term goals, and daily feelings. I add stickers and plan short tasks and goals to achieve each day… and man does it help with my motivation!
  • Baking breads and cooking small meals. This one is a LOT harder to me than it sounds typing out because I am simply almost always out of energy to do this, but even making a sandwich has its perks. 🙂 I cooked a homemade chicken noodle soup the other day and felt SO accomplished!!! Breads though… that’s the real struggle. I can make cinnamon rolls and doughs like any other but … somehow breads are a pain!
  • Finding solace in reading the Scriptures every day. I have so many different copies of the Word that I really have no excuse NOT to read, so I ensure that I eat my portion of His word daily. It’s helped me find comfort in some smaller and heavier things that weigh on my mind because they teach me lessons that are refreshed every single day… and I like to try to journal what these lessons mean to me. These kinds of practices help me feel that warmth that I aspire to find in Yah’s heart!
  • Cleaning and organizing my space! Kind of inline with the decorating aspect, but clearing out old things that I -never- use anymore and reorganizing my living quarters has really helped me find some sweet peace of mind. 🙂
  • CANDLES. It sounds so dumb, but candles have really helped me feel comfort! I looooooooove fall scents and I stumbled into the Bath & Body Works candle sale and grabbed enough candles to last me the season (whoops, thank heavens for coupons and sales!) They’re really good at helping my space feel like my own, and bringing me a sense of calm and collectedness when I am in a place of anxiety.

I have found a handful of things that make me happy. I may make a smaller, light hearted little post about what makes me happy these days… I am not sure yet. But I am trying to write more for you all because I fell off the other month… and I want to share my story with everyone.

September is ovarian cancer awareness month and I want everyone to get themselves checked out as soon as possible and remain up to date on their pelvic exams. Fight for what you believe is right for YOU. I had to advocate for myself for years before they listened to my complaints and took me seriously. Don’t give up! ADVOCATE FOR YOU!

I want to get cozy… I want to get further along in feeling happiness and contentment with my decisions as of late. I am hoping things are turning for the best…. I am hoping they are coming to a calm point in my life. We can only see what happens…. until then, I am waiting for the cool winds and pumpkin patches this season. 🙂

To say I love fall is a serious understatement.

I love the decor. The leaves. The weather. The snacks.

I love the coziness that the season emits. I’m a true autumn spirit and I look forward to this season all year long.

Today I thought I wasn’t going to have the energy to get up out of my bed, but I bled a bit through the sheets and needed to get myself to do laundry. Little by little, I started my morning and started my routine of getting ready… then I decided, you know what? I’ve been cooped up in my apartment way too long. I want to get out. So I gathered enough energy from within myself and I went out. To Bath and Body Works. 😀

I went with the intention of getting a friend a candle because I want everyone to feel the warmth of autumn this year. I found the cutest pumpkin caramel spice candle and picked it up for her. I browsed the store and relished every second of sniffing each candle and body soap. I finally had some energy to get the heck out of bed! I felt tired but I felt good.

My body hurts, but my heart is full. ❤

Right now I am snacking on some pumpkin muffins that same friend made and I’m watching some weird fall themed Hallmark movies on the TV. I’m waiting for word from the LomL. I’m happy to say I’ve listened intently to Yah’s word yesterday and am learning how to take breaks between workloads…. today was a fun example of that!

I also went to HEB and bought some things for myself, including a self-care brownie batter mix that I’ll make tonight to help my heart stay happy. I decluttered my apartment too! I did so many things today!

I love autumn. I love pumpkins. I can’t wait to go look at some sweet squashes and enjoy the fresh apple spiced air. It’s my favorite season and I am READY for it … though honestly, I’ve already started enjoying it here in my spirit. 🙂 Such a wonderful season to enjoy… bittersweet, but beautiful.

That’s me…. well, that’s me in Animal Crossing New Horizons.

It’s no lie to say that I adore this little game. I get to pick fruits, fish for trouts and dig up clams, I get to catch butterflies and collect bugs. My character changes clothes with my mood and my little home island continually reshapes itself over and over to fit my current home-lifestyle trend.

I can have all the baubles and the junk I want in my dream island home. I can do whatever I want to do in my ACNH world. Most importantly to me…. I can be somebody else for a little while. Digitally, I can be healthy.

Gaming has always been a guilty pleasure of mine. Before my diagnosis I didn’t actively seek gaming online as a form of entertainment because I was able to do so many other things like write in my journals or paint on my canvases. Lately though, post-diagnosis, gaming online has become one of my biggest sources of focus and distraction. Though I don’t game online with friends (what friends?) I do like to timesink myself into some Stardew Valley or ACNH. Sometimes I’ll play Splatoon2 if I am feeling strong enough to face online foes. Other times it’s Mario Kart in the cancer center with the patients.

Gaming has always brought me closer to people online and in person and has always been such a nice bonding experience (except for Goldeneye shootouts and HALO capture the flag tourneys… some of those games could get heatedly vicious, esp. SSBMelee….) There was always the entertainment of a nice Mario Party to bring friends together over playful banter and trash talk. I wouldn’t have always called myself a gamer to be honest with you. I found other ways of expressing myself and doing things that entertained me. But now, late in life, I would definitely call myself a weeby gamer girl (as heated and debatable as that topic is!)

I enjoy the focus it takes to turn my attention towards this little digital reality while I seek to rectify my current situations. Sometimes getting lost in a little ACNH is enough to bring up a new solution or a new view of a problem I’d been having for that day, week, or month. I do my best work while procrastinating major projects to be 100% honest. Thus gaming enables my mind to be creative and seek new pathways for whatever I am facing at that moment.

My switch helps me calm down and breathe when I am feeling overwhelmed and anxious. I have an anxiety disorder that results in continual panic attacks and for an asthmatic, that sucks! (HAHA) So, just having a safe “space” on my Switch world to retreat to for a little while is comforting and essential for these crazy days. If I am mad I can cool down with some Splatoon2, if I am sad I can plant some new radishes and sunflowers in my farm on Stardew Valley. There’s so much to do in that little screen!

So yeah…. I game. I play cute little video games sometimes and I enjoy the heck out of it. I try to escape my reality for a little bit. I get to be a healthy little avatar of myself for a few short hours… and it’s absolutely wonderful to get that kind of enjoyment out of a material good these days. I guess that’s why I treasure my Nintendo Switch. Not only because a dear one gifted it to me but also because it’s become my constant companion during this cancer journey. I can always rely on my Switch to have something ready for me to sink into when my feels are overwhelming and that’s comforting.

Today’s reading comes at the eve before my hysterectomy.

Overwhelming fear has shot my nerves and my heart. I am trying to read the Scriptures to calm myself down but my hands are too shaky. So, instead I am packing up things and trying to get my mind off of everything with the humdrum of routine.

Am I to go for You? I willingly submit myself to Your desires, Father, I shout “Here I am!” Though I try my hardest to be cleansed and prepared for Your loving hand I am still afraid that I am not good enough in the back of my heart. My anxiety gnaws and gnashes its teeth at me. I bite my cheeks and draw blood. (A newer habit formed to release some of my pent up energies, though not the healthiest.)

Ready or not I have to be ready for the journey that awaits me in every sense of the word – the physical drive, the mental route, and the emotional toils. I’ve been mourning my ovaries still and now it’s time for my uterus to go too. A tiny part of my heart whispers I’ll never be happy again. My hands tremor so much I dropped my coffee cup this morning. A huge part of me doesn’t want to go. It feels like I am walking to the electric chair, taking the long stroll down to the end of the world. The end of my world, my desires being ripped out by the careful instruments of robotics today.

The end result is I am afraid. I never liked to be afraid, I am a machine when it comes to emotional turmoil. I kept my head above water for other disgusting violences… but this is somehow different. I know what I am walking into and I know my biology/body will be forever altered. My vine will no longer produce fruits of the womb. I wince when I think of the term, “bearing good fruits” because I always took it to mean that we bear children, our good fruits, and the ones who couldn’t and who bore bad fruits were burned. I understand it’s a faulty interpretation… but I have a pained heart recalling those verses.

It shouldn’t be a matter right? I know my Father is watching over me. I know all is according to His timing. I wish I had someone to talk to about this right now. I wish I had a hug. I’m trembling off and on. I like to pretend I am doing okay and I can handle all this though the truth of the matter is that I am a scared little mouse in the jaws of a murder machine, at the mercy of people I’ve never met before.

I have my bag packed and unpacked and packed again. Is my entire life going to be stuffed into this backpack, the final items I’ll be found with? I’m overthinking again. Will they just throw them out because I have no next of kin, just like my ashes? I hope they give my teddy bear to someone who needs him.

I’m rambling but I think that that’s what I’ll do before I get going. Just ramble and ramble my anxieties into this blog because that’s what it’s meant for. To have a record of my life that I can shakily write my fears and dreams. Yahusha will guide me of that I am sure. I am a timid person attempting to stand in the way of the worst thing that I ever believed that could ever happen to me. In the back of my ears I hear him telling me I fucked up, I hear I’ll never have this, I hear you’re a terrible mom, I hear all the things that foretold this moment. This horrible, terrifying, all encompassingly dreadful surgery. I never wanted my paranoia, my loathsome fears, to be true. I never wanted them all to be right.

I’m packing up the things I need, and I am jittery with worry.

I have the strangest of feelings. I don’t know why I feel like things are going to end so quickly. I don’t know how to best prepare for that kind of thing you know? I am packing socks and tie up pajama pants with loose and breathable fabric. A teddy bear for cuddle company. My Scriptures for safe guarding my spirit.

I’m just probably overthinking things. Today was an odd feeling.. Today was a very displaced one. I read all day and rested my body. I felt an unusual disconnect honestly. I don’t know where the anxiety came from. I guess it’s pretty typical to get major freak-outs the last weekend before major body surgery.

Thank you Yahuah for the blessings only You can bring to my heart. Thank You for the strength and understanding to walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death. I will fear no evil. Thank You.. though I don’t deserve the love You give me, I thank you over and over for it. I will sing Your name for the rest of my life.

Home is a sensation more than it is a physical place. I was moved a few times in my short life from area to area but the ranch lands always stuck like a sore thumb in the backgrounds. I grew up in the sunflower fields and corn stalks. I played in the plowed soil. Land was plenty and houses were still far away from our ranch.

I went to the place I last thought of as my childhood home and found it achingly empty. So I stood in the plowed fields and wept. Home was gone. The places I thought of as a home base for my wild spirit had evaporated like a puddle in the scorching sun. Just when I broke and needed it the most, needed the weathered window panes and comforting yelps of the dogs… it was FOR SALE BY OWNER.

I cried for who knows how long. Time in the fields is ruled by the path of the sunlight and my eyes were too watery to watch it glazing by in the sky. Home is a sensation, a piece of your heart that continually changes to set the pace of your life. Where was home for me now…? My childhood was up for sale yet again and vacant. It’s familiar sounds were all muted and strange.

I walked along the dirt road as far as my feet would take me. The fields were bare due to the heat and lack of service by experienced farm hands since COVID19 had swept the nation. The smell was stale soil and thickly humid air. Where was my home? Where would I come and share moments of comfort and familiarity now? I didn’t realize how much I’d missed my living room couch and my oddly painted walls. Where was home now?

I knelt in the dirt and I prayed my heart to Yahuah to help me find my answers. I felt like a little lost balloon, bopping and weaving between the clouds… ready to descend and die any moment the wind changed.

For the last year my heart has been with Yah, learning and rediscovering new and strange parts of myself that I’d forgotten or neglected. I’d obeyed His laws and observed His feasts. The answer was incredibly simple: My home was Yahuah. My familiarity was Yahusha. No longer would I be tied down to a physical location of my biological birth… no, the cords had been severed and my body free-fell aimlessly headlong into cancerous care and sickened injections. But the death of my family home meant the birth of my REAL Parent’s home. my Father’s Wakened World that lay ahead in the plowed fields just out of finger’s reach.

This ranchland had always been my skin and my flesh. The live stock were always my blood and my routine was my muscle… the morning ambling from shed to shed to let them all out to pasture, milk, feed, wash, dry, repeat. From the time I was a child, I was un chica de granja, My family worked the orchards and I picked the oranges and cotton buds right alongside them. I was taught how to filet fishes, tame and break horses, ride bareback and saddled, butcher and skin the various livestock… I learned it all. These were my vital organs for so long.

But now, my organs were pitted with alien speckles and growths. My hometown was no longer mine… and it felt freeing. I was free from the sexism, the racism, the pain and violence it all bore upon me. Though… it would never erase the memories and scars my hometown had left decades earlier…. it was a new start to continue to seek Yahuah’s love. He removed the familiar to make room for the Fresh, the Wakening, all that He provided.

The world is violent and it is terrifying. I’ve lived through disgusting acts besotted upon my being and my bones. But Yahuah is here to take that all away from me and to gift me with the World should I earn my place in it.

Obey His commands, Seek His heart, Love Him entirely with your soul and your being. Love Him always above anything and anyone else.

That’s what I’d learned this past year and I’d done my absolute best to stay with it. The world’s violences threaten me constantly with new tumors and news that breaks my spirit down over and over again… but I try to get back up as often and quick as I can.

But the time is coming and I know it deep inside of my core. The time is coming to go Home. I don’t want to look at it in the face because it’s a terrifying ordeal to transition through…. but it’s there. The clock is ticking faster and faster and it’s replaced the beat of my heart. The time is coming to go Home. I knelt in the soil and felt it slip past my fingers as I fumbled with the uneven terrain. I let it all go. He wanted me Home soon. And I’d give myself over to His will because that was the right thing to do.

Home is a sensation, a comfort that we seek in times of crisis. Mine was no longer of this earth, of this violent reality, but something and someOne greater than anything this reality could ever provide. Home was Yahuah. Home IS Yahuah. And I wish that so many people could see that, maybe then they’d learn to love one another and fear His Name. How much I’d wanted to share what I’d learned about His love… but no one listened. The nurses did, kindly, let me rattle on and on. One even read the Scriptures to me while I rested my head during an infusion. But the world wasn’t ready for His heart yet.

Home is where your heart is. My heart is with Yah… I felt the wind press through the bald patches in my hair. Home was not cancer, nor the treatment center, nor the hospital that I’d come to know so well. My abdomen ached. I had been here before, years back, and I wondered how far the progression of my cancer had been when I’d last been sitting on this field. I stared at the flat earth that encircled me with distant trucks and plows and tractors lazily bustling by. And it all felt too alien.

No…. no longer was this my home. This town that had raped and pillaged my innocence. This violent and terrible bubble of a world that had condoned my beatings and my submission to a man unkind and unruly. Though I loved these fields and these ranch lands, it no longer felt like my heart’s sensation of home. It felt so freeing to stand in that soil and take one last look around. I wiped the earth from my knees and I thanked Yahuah for His words in my spirit.

No longer would I ever venture back here. It was no longer of any importance to me… no longer of any use. It was no longer my home.

I’m packing up for my surgery and my road trip… but I am unsure of what exactly to bring. I already have my clothes and my pajamas ready for the transition, my Scriptures, and some socks. What else would I bring to this?

I don’t know exactly how long I will be checked in to recuperate. Last time it took a few days before I was released so I want to be sure I have everything needed to be … comfortable with what’s going on.

Any suggestions, world?

10…

…things to think of and do before all of this collides.

9…

…evils of the world that held me down and raped the innocence from my bones and my sinews, ravaging what purity there was left in my core.

8…

… hopes for the better life that awaits when we Waken…

That’s all I recall. Count Backwards from 10. A Life-story of SeraYah, the dawn that evil tore down.

I’m tired of all these appointments and these late night vitals checks. I’m exhausted of the blood that pours out and ruins my pants for the evening. I cling my hardest to my Father and hold fast to hope that He will deliver the world from the birthing pains that encompass us all these days.

There’s so much more to do and to prepare with just a week left to count it all backwards. Hours to go be sliced open and days to recuperate enough to come back on my own. My own… on my own. I never wanted to be on my own for these kinds of things. I always wanted someone to sit next to me during it all and tell me it’s going to be okay because Yah will guide us. But that’s not the case. I have to be my own defender and my own strength yet again in my life. I wish things were different but I have grown to just accept that this is the way my reality is. And that’s okay. It has to be okay.

Count backwards from ten. Can you tell us your name?

In the back of my mind I wonder if I knew that something was horribly wrong all along which is why I avoided going to the Dr for years. I was afraid on a subconscious level that everything would definitely come crashing down and the visits would be the doorway to it all. But I didn’t understand even if I did know there was something deeply wrong. I barely understand now.

Count backwards from ten… 9 works and wonders that Yahusha performs so that the world will glorify its proper Father, Yahuah. 8 brothers and sisters gathered together to celebrate the feasts of our Father… 7 days of laughter and pain under one roof. 6 things I will never experience in my life.

Can you tell us where you’re from? Do you know what year it is?

It’s the year of terrible agony, horrible and devastating losses and ruptures around the globe. It’s the year evils have pervaded and perverted the reality that is today. Yah, can you find any good left in this world? May the reality find You and find Your love quickly. Though I think it’s too late for that anymore.

Count backwards from ten… can you tell us your name? My name is pain and my reality is cancer. My name is “Come to exam room one” and “Hold your arm steady for me please”. There’s so much in the world I was already afraid of and my body shouldn’t be an additional worry… but here we are.

Today was an exhausting and trying day. I don’t feel ready to face anything so I am finding myself hiding more and more from myself. Though… you can’t hide from yourself and your own body.

Depleted. I feel depleted. I knew there was going to be bad news. I’m alone facing the news and the fears, the tidal pool of depressive downs… everything. I understand why but it doesn’t make it much easier.

The reality of cancer is depletion and decay.

The reality of the attempt of my life hasn’t faded and won’t fade away. I feel this is punishment for that attempt and I’m understanding of it. I’m still alone and I still want to be hugged. Everything is a blur of activity but I feel like a hollow little ghost amidst it all… barely existing, barely moving, barely anything. A wisp of a girl that … just can’t feel anything other than fatigue.

Yahuah sends the waves that knock us over, and He sends the calmest of waters. I’m waiting for my calm waters. I’m praying my hardest to find the guidance that I need and the strength to pursue the Truth.

Have I lost my light? Yahusha please find my voice… I feel like I’ve lost it to my body’s vicious cycle of altered “renewal”.

Lean not on your own understanding… someone commented this on my last post and I needed it to keep myself together. I read all of your responses and I am grateful for your words of encouragement. Thank you for them.

I am thankful today for the sacrifices made by my elder Brother. For all that He has done for my life, I want to sit and be still. I want to thank Yahusha for all He sees fit to help me accomplish.

Today I sit outside and reflect on my scriptures. I am shamed of my crookedness that has caused my Yahusha so much problems trying to help me fix… But I am grateful for His work.

Smile today my friends because it is Shabbat and it is a day to set apart for the love of our Yah.

I pray for you all and that you all find your cleansing. I pray that you find reasons to smile and reasons to laugh. I set aside this moment to thank Yahusha for your time and your lives flourishing. 💕 thank you Yahusha!