I feel like a failure, but I am trying to find strength in my decision.
There’s got to be some sort of hope beyond what is dismally seen, right?
I am reminding myself with this post that all things are possible with the love of Yahuah. With repentance we shall be saved by His grace. With pure and clean hearts we are gathered up once again.
all is found when you place Elohim first. Turn back and love Yahuah with all your hearts. Let your heart follow His word and His truth. All things will come to their respectful places in time with His help.
I’m still upset about what happened a few weeks ago.
I had been down to nothing in my pantry nor my fridge and was struggling to find a way to make a journey to my very first Chemotherapy appointment. I reached out to the only two Belief siblings I had here because I had no one else I could potentially trust. I asked for a baggy of rice or pasta, and if they could help me find a way to my important appointment.
They never responded.
It hurts my heart to realize that the kindness and the loved Heart of the Messiah is not in their chests. I cried to my Father and I asked Him, how could they allow their own sister to starve to death? I went two days without food before a stranger on the internet offered to give me a bag of their own rice from their family of four. I cried the entire time they came and dropped off their food.
This woman had a baby who was teething at home and she spared me a morsel of her own pantry, food she could have used for her babies and her husband. But my brother and my sister couldn’t even respond to tell me they were unable because they needed to feed their own family. Instead, they flat out ignored my begging for help.
I understand plenty of things and reasons why there is silence but at the same time I would never allow my personal feelings to cloud my Messiah’s heart within me. If anyone came to me begging for food they’d be provisioned with all that I could spare at the moment and then some. I could never allow selfishness and my own feelings to hurt someone in need.
So I thanked my Yahuah for sending His angel to my stairs with her food and I begged Him to correct the error of my siblings ways. They cannot walk in this life with such a cold heart to the needy and poor in health, I beg that He is not too stern but that His point is made cross their hearts.
I prayed for their correction. It’s hard to know that your Belief siblings are not living the Truth wholly but I pray that they are finding their way back through His hands. I guess things are different in practice than in Scripture… but it should not be that way! Regardless of how we personally feel, we should not block one another and fear… we should welcome forgiveness and shelter those who are starving from spiritual or physical need.
So today I ask that you ask Yahuah to give you the Heart of Kindness and Love that the Messiah has perfectly embodied for us. I pray that He corrects you if you stray from the Path of truth and that you whole heartedly accept His discipline, understanding that it is for your benefit not your demise.
I pray for the world to one day come back to the Laws and the goodness that Yahuah has provided for us….
Chemo has been REALLY hard on my body and my mind.
I am a lot of things right now… but I am weak most of all. Abba, why have you put me through this? I stand here caked in tears and blood before you. My Father where is the Light that only You can bring into my life?
Chemo is really painful and this is only my second round. I feel an unusual burst of writing so here I am. I thank you allll for your prayers and your well wishings, I read every single one of them and pray for your well-being.
I will get back on teaching about the wonders of Yahuah, His beautiful graces, and His healing love as soon as I can. Right now it’s all my energy to continue to lead the digital eFellowship I’ve created for the Austin area – AAWF. They’re learning about the love of Yahuah and His true name through my teachings. I am grateful He has asked me to do this much for Him though I be sick.
I am doing the best I can, Yahuah. Can you see me?
How can we apply this reading to your situation today? How is Yahuah trying to reach you, what is He trying to remind you of?
In the middle of the Shadow of the Valley of Death, I sing my praises to my Father. This may be His plan but I will esteem and rejoice in all that He has to offer me until my last breath.
I apply this reminder today and remind myself of Yahuah’s Plans for my feet. I remind myself of Yahusha’s love for me. It may be dark and full of hopeless feelings but I will try my hardest to make it to the end of the journey peacefully.
Sing your praises, you people of the earth! Give thanks for all that you are blessed with today – the breath you take, given to us from our Father. The food you eat, the water you drink, all that you see – all has come to be through HIM! Smile and rejoice – it is all come to be and has already been done.
I am trying my hardest to work up energy to combat more of my emotions.
The differentiation between my anxiety and reality is so hard to distinguish sometimes.
With Yahuah’s help tonight I will focus on: 1. The amount of effort I put into healing. 2. How I recuperate from the day’s toils. 3. Which scripture I am reading and how I allow it to enter my mind and heart so that it takes care of me.
I cannot, you cannot, no one but Yahuah can control how other people react or speak to you. Sometimes my anxiety feels like the way I act or speak directly affects the way other people will act towards me… and sometimes that may be the case but it isn’t always. That part of the equation is hard for me to understand – I am not always the reason people treat me badly.
We are outside of a stranger’s circle of control just like they are outside of ours. But, we are all within of Yahuah’s circle of control. All comes to be through Him (Yohanan 1:3) and this means that all that comes to be is under His direct control.
Yahuah is Above All, the Most High.
So what do we do? Well, we can control how we react to people treating us badly. I know, this isn’t a revolutionary idea by any means but it is one that is worth being repeated over and over. We are not able to control how other people react but we CAN control how we react to them.
My decisions towards bitterness is to pray and let it all go. Let it fall within the strong hands of Yahusha who judges all things and who sets records straight. Let the situation fall upon our Father’s eyes because He created all things. All these situations are within His powerful circle of control. I bless the ones who hurt my heart and I bless all of those who doubt my journey with Yahuah. I have held on too long to the pain and tonight I begin to push it away.
Tonight I hope to show you this infographic in order that you may be reminded of what is within your grasp. I hope this helps you my family as it has been an important reminder for me and I thank Yahuah for His message.
Today’s Scripture Study: YirmeYahu 29:11 Topic for this week: Stress and Heartbreak.
As I stand for the first time in a day and waddle over to the bathroom across the hall, I stretch my feet a little more than my injured stride has allowed so far. My incision stings at me, a hissing of scabbing gauze and angry blood clotting. As I stand leaning against the sink I ask myself where I went wrong to wind up with such a heartbreaking situation on my hands.
Yahuah’s timing and plans are perfect in every way but that doesn’t mean that I don’t sometimes question them. I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t at least wonder why the things that happen do. My heart’s desire has always been to have at least one single living child to raise and love on with my entire being and soul… but my feet have wound up in the pathway of ovarian cancer. I can no longer have my own biological child due to my recent surgery.
Expectancy: the state of thinking or hoping that something, especially something pleasant, will happen or be the case. (noun.)
Well.. of course I hope that something pleasant will surprise me. So there’s that off the list… But the verse states that we are to be given a future free of evils. How can this be so? There’s that small slimmer of doubt again wiggling into my anxiety’s weaknesses. Yahusha was just as I was at one point – weak and emotionally lost at His path. Yahuah brought His feet to the way they were meant to go, to a path of excellence and to His right hand. If He were to do this for His beloved Son, then what will Yah do for me as His daughter?
I am lost, and I am hurting. My incision is bleeding a little again. My legs are giving out beneath me so I sit on the bathroom floor to rest a little before taking the thousand mile trek across the hall to my bed.
What kind of future is there in the ruins of what has happened in my life so far?
I am young. I am 29 to be exact, and a year ago I was happily counting down the days until my second year anniversary with the absolute love of my life. Now…. I am leaning my head against the pinewood of my bathroom sink cabinets hoping for some strength to crawl back to my bedroom to heal from the removal of both of my ovaries due to an aggressive ovarian cancer that is overtaking my system.
Chemotherapy starts in a few weeks. I am potentially relocating to be closer to the one specialist who may be able to help with palliative care and my bleeding disorder.
Time takes us all.
The pathway to endurance and expectancy are riddled with potholes and blackouts. I am unhappy with my current situation but my Scriptures tell me to rejoice in the trying and working of my patience. Yahuah and His timing are absolute and lovely. This all has to be leading me to an expectancy that I would never have dreamed of… right?
Lexicon – Expectancy.
Hope, the perfect word for exactly what I need. Hope from Yahuah.
How is Yahuah’s Lesson today trying to help me? I am in pain and needed to see a message of Hope today. This helps my heart in that it revitalizes the weariness that I’ve experienced these past few days. My heart was hurt last night in a place it shouldn’t have gone and I paid the price. I feel that there is no hope, but Yahuah will ALWAYS provide a way to the promises He gives.
What is Yahuah Trying to Tell Me? I believe that Yahuah has given me a reminder to always find His esteem and His plans perfect for my feet. I will apply this reminder to my heart to hold myself stronger.
I have created a GroupMe messaging group for those who wish to study together, share inspirational words, and uplift one another in shared belief. 🙂
Please don’t hesitate to share the link with those you believe may wish to join! I understand not always are we able to gather together physically… but at least we may speak to our Set Apart brethren across the world… across a screen! HalaluYahuah that we may come together in prayer!
I will be creating a separate group from the list of members I received willing to meet physically for study so that we can keep physical locations between us. I respect your privacy!
Alone and afraid, I decide to take today to lay in my bed and allow myself room to feel. Room to cry and wail. Finally enough time to let the emotional torrent of memories and thoughts will flow down as I’ve been pushing them out of my mind to try to ignore them for as long as possible.
Today I feel the overwhelming pain of this coming week.
February 14 meant so much to me for two years. It was our anniversary. I will post more on this later.. for now, this is as far as I will mention it.
Recently I have taken steps back in my recovery. And that’s okay. There’s no manual on how to recuperate properly for all your emotions, bodily pains, and mental troubles. Walking has hurt so badly I was at the hospital for a bit being checked. They sent me home with inconclusive results and a stronger painkiller.
Today I will lay in my bed and listen to the rain. I have storm sickness so I will cry and scream, I will suffer boldly. Because I haven’t been letting myself express my internal turmoil for fear it would hurt Yahuah. But Yahuah wants me emotionally healthy too .. and today I will take those steps back and be comfortable in my pains as best I can. I will try to express them and find my will to survive again.
Today I will cry. I will pray that Yahusha holds me and comforts me. I will stay alone in my darkened recovery room and I will sob my heart out. It is all that I can do but I am grateful to be doing something.