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Yahuah Reigns, Yahusha Saves!

Posts tagged infertility

Today’s reading comes at the eve before my hysterectomy.

Overwhelming fear has shot my nerves and my heart. I am trying to read the Scriptures to calm myself down but my hands are too shaky. So, instead I am packing up things and trying to get my mind off of everything with the humdrum of routine.

Am I to go for You? I willingly submit myself to Your desires, Father, I shout “Here I am!” Though I try my hardest to be cleansed and prepared for Your loving hand I am still afraid that I am not good enough in the back of my heart. My anxiety gnaws and gnashes its teeth at me. I bite my cheeks and draw blood. (A newer habit formed to release some of my pent up energies, though not the healthiest.)

Ready or not I have to be ready for the journey that awaits me in every sense of the word – the physical drive, the mental route, and the emotional toils. I’ve been mourning my ovaries still and now it’s time for my uterus to go too. A tiny part of my heart whispers I’ll never be happy again. My hands tremor so much I dropped my coffee cup this morning. A huge part of me doesn’t want to go. It feels like I am walking to the electric chair, taking the long stroll down to the end of the world. The end of my world, my desires being ripped out by the careful instruments of robotics today.

The end result is I am afraid. I never liked to be afraid, I am a machine when it comes to emotional turmoil. I kept my head above water for other disgusting violences… but this is somehow different. I know what I am walking into and I know my biology/body will be forever altered. My vine will no longer produce fruits of the womb. I wince when I think of the term, “bearing good fruits” because I always took it to mean that we bear children, our good fruits, and the ones who couldn’t and who bore bad fruits were burned. I understand it’s a faulty interpretation… but I have a pained heart recalling those verses.

It shouldn’t be a matter right? I know my Father is watching over me. I know all is according to His timing. I wish I had someone to talk to about this right now. I wish I had a hug. I’m trembling off and on. I like to pretend I am doing okay and I can handle all this though the truth of the matter is that I am a scared little mouse in the jaws of a murder machine, at the mercy of people I’ve never met before.

I have my bag packed and unpacked and packed again. Is my entire life going to be stuffed into this backpack, the final items I’ll be found with? I’m overthinking again. Will they just throw them out because I have no next of kin, just like my ashes? I hope they give my teddy bear to someone who needs him.

I’m rambling but I think that that’s what I’ll do before I get going. Just ramble and ramble my anxieties into this blog because that’s what it’s meant for. To have a record of my life that I can shakily write my fears and dreams. Yahusha will guide me of that I am sure. I am a timid person attempting to stand in the way of the worst thing that I ever believed that could ever happen to me. In the back of my ears I hear him telling me I fucked up, I hear I’ll never have this, I hear you’re a terrible mom, I hear all the things that foretold this moment. This horrible, terrifying, all encompassingly dreadful surgery. I never wanted my paranoia, my loathsome fears, to be true. I never wanted them all to be right.

It’s coming soon, and I can feel the strings of sorrow beginning to emerge from under my skin… like the webblings of veins being tugged loose from a nerve center.

I don’t know what I will feel this year.

My removal surgery has greatly affected my mental health this year. I can only imagine the amount of sorrow and grief my heart will experience as Mother’s Day is celebrated by the nations. As stupid as it is, I find it difficult to let go of that day because of all of my losses – I grew up in the nations with that day being a big reminder of motherhood and all things that I aspired to one day have. And now that my ovaries are gone… I will no longer biologically be able to produce my own children anymore. And that has a devastating toll on me.

I know I shouldn’t even count it as one of my days or give it a passing thought… but it always reminds me of the children I’ve carried in my womb. And all the little lives that are sleeping with their Father having been spared the shock of this world…. I should be grateful. I should ignore that day just like any other day… I should… I should I should. but how can I?

My heart is already in mourning and bitter anticipation of such a trainwreck of a day coming up on the calendar.

I’m still upset about what happened a few weeks ago.

I had been down to nothing in my pantry nor my fridge and was struggling to find a way to make a journey to my very first Chemotherapy appointment. I reached out to the only two Belief siblings I had here because I had no one else I could potentially trust. I asked for a baggy of rice or pasta, and if they could help me find a way to my important appointment.

They never responded.

It hurts my heart to realize that the kindness and the loved Heart of the Messiah is not in their chests. I cried to my Father and I asked Him, how could they allow their own sister to starve to death? I went two days without food before a stranger on the internet offered to give me a bag of their own rice from their family of four. I cried the entire time they came and dropped off their food.

This woman had a baby who was teething at home and she spared me a morsel of her own pantry, food she could have used for her babies and her husband. But my brother and my sister couldn’t even respond to tell me they were unable because they needed to feed their own family. Instead, they flat out ignored my begging for help.

I understand plenty of things and reasons why there is silence but at the same time I would never allow my personal feelings to cloud my Messiah’s heart within me. If anyone came to me begging for food they’d be provisioned with all that I could spare at the moment and then some. I could never allow selfishness and my own feelings to hurt someone in need.

So I thanked my Yahuah for sending His angel to my stairs with her food and I begged Him to correct the error of my siblings ways. They cannot walk in this life with such a cold heart to the needy and poor in health, I beg that He is not too stern but that His point is made cross their hearts.

I prayed for their correction. It’s hard to know that your Belief siblings are not living the Truth wholly but I pray that they are finding their way back through His hands. I guess things are different in practice than in Scripture… but it should not be that way! Regardless of how we personally feel, we should not block one another and fear… we should welcome forgiveness and shelter those who are starving from spiritual or physical need.

So today I ask that you ask Yahuah to give you the Heart of Kindness and Love that the Messiah has perfectly embodied for us. I pray that He corrects you if you stray from the Path of truth and that you whole heartedly accept His discipline, understanding that it is for your benefit not your demise.

I pray for the world to one day come back to the Laws and the goodness that Yahuah has provided for us….

Chemo has been REALLY hard on my body and my mind.

I am a lot of things right now… but I am weak most of all. Abba, why have you put me through this? I stand here caked in tears and blood before you. My Father where is the Light that only You can bring into my life?

Chemo is really painful and this is only my second round. I feel an unusual burst of writing so here I am. I thank you allll for your prayers and your well wishings, I read every single one of them and pray for your well-being.

I will get back on teaching about the wonders of Yahuah, His beautiful graces, and His healing love as soon as I can. Right now it’s all my energy to continue to lead the digital eFellowship I’ve created for the Austin area – AAWF. They’re learning about the love of Yahuah and His true name through my teachings. I am grateful He has asked me to do this much for Him though I be sick.

I am doing the best I can, Yahuah. Can you see me?

In just seven days, I start my chemotherapy rounds! Six of them!

I’m extremely nervous to be honest. I’ve heard so many bad things about it and I know I will be entirely out of it and in a lot of pain… I don’t know what to do about my job at the restaurant but I will try to hold on to it as long as I can.

Chemo! I can’t believe it. First surgery, then chemotherapy.

I…. really wish you were around. It’s been extremely difficult lately. But that’s okay. I understand the situation and for all I know you’ve already forgotten about me.. or at least just moved forward to the point of not worrying or caring about it as intensely as I do.

I never thought I’d be here in a thousand years. But it’s just seven days until my life upends itself… again.

I pray that Yahuah gives me the strength to get through my chemotherapy. I hate that I have it during this entire corona virus conspiracy. I already have a weak immune system and chemotherapy will wipe out the rest of it. But I have to get it done… so hopefully I don’t get sick or it doesn’t come down here.

I wish you were here.

I’m not going to lie, it’s been very hard lately to trust when my body is aching and my heart is dashed.

I’ve been doing my best to read the Scripture when my heart feels ready for it – the worst thing to do at the moment is make reading a chore. I’ve found myself in Tehillim more than I ever have been in the past.

Things are hard and I am ready for them to be over. Trying to maintain that peppy and nurturing outer shell is harder and harder these days as I continue getting ready for chemotherapy. I often find myself going into a spiral of anxiety and I know I shouldn’t be getting away from myself.

They’re adjusting my medications in prep and I am trying to ride out the waves of emotions that come along with chemical disturbances. I am trying to get myself out of a hole that I can’t see the bottom of.

Yahuah has a strength though that has always gotten me out of rough situations. I’ve been called tenacious and even the strongest person known to some. Yahuah has gifted me with the strength of heart that I needed to overcome this cancer and I intend on using it.

So today, despite my pains, I will remember the best things that Yahuah has offered me. Despite my loneliness I will recall what has been given to me in the past and what blessings I’ve come to love before this devastation occurred.

I will keep trying.

It’s weird just how many things make sense now with my diagnosis over the past several years.

  • Why I was always so tired and fatigued day after day.
  • Why sitting for extended periods of time and laying curled up agitated my stomach and gave me stomach aches.
  • Why my appetite began decreasing over the last two years, causing me to fluctuate between weights.
  • The ever- recurrent stomach aches that were so intense I’d stay bed bound for at least a day or pop handfuls of ibuprofen just to get through college days.
  • My lower back aches and hip pains after walking too long.

But most of all… my body anxiety… I am so happy to finally have an explanation for why I felt so unnerved and scared to do anything that might cause me discomfort physically. My relationships suffered plenty because of my unwillingness to drive due to my anxiety, my recurrent fatigue, and withdrawing from social situations.

When I was feeling good, I was great! But when my stomach started hurting and I started bleeding, I’d withdraw into myself and pull away from doing anything. And I’d feel extremely guilty because I had no explanation other than “I’m not feeling well” which didn’t quite cover the case.

I wish I could go back in time and tell myself to go get checked a lot sooner than I had because maybe my relationship would have survived (just maybe.) Maybe I wouldn’t feel so awful about being so withdrawn without credible explanation. I’m now on anxiety medications and I know what’s the cause of my stomach pains… it’s extreme, but maybe we could have figured this out together sooner. I finally have the ability to do the things you always wanted because I am finally receiving the care I should have years ago… but it’s too late.

Things would have been different for me, I wouldn’t feel so horrible about my anxiety and my pains. I’d have been more open about the strange bleeding and taken better concern to my issues. But.. que sera, sera.

Yahuah gives to us, and He takes away. I’m struggling to find meaning in my journey at the moment. Maybe this is the life He chose for me anyway – the road to cancerous danger and death, and you were given the road to family happiness. All has its own time as there is a time for everything under the stars… and I am struggling to manage my own time. But Yahusha has been guiding my heart towards where I need to go no matter how much I don’t want to go there.

HalaluYahuah!✨💛 We have two groups now – one on FB Messenger and one on Group Me.

If you’d like to be added to the Facebook one, please leave your username/ Facebook name in the comments and I’ll try to add you – give me an idea of your profile picture so I can add the right person!

I am so thankful for your support. Thank YOU! 🥰🥰

How can we apply this reading to your situation today? How is Yahuah trying to reach you, what is He trying to remind you of?

In the middle of the Shadow of the Valley of Death, I sing my praises to my Father. This may be His plan but I will esteem and rejoice in all that He has to offer me until my last breath.

I apply this reminder today and remind myself of Yahuah’s Plans for my feet. I remind myself of Yahusha’s love for me. It may be dark and full of hopeless feelings but I will try my hardest to make it to the end of the journey peacefully.

Sing your praises, you people of the earth! Give thanks for all that you are blessed with today – the breath you take, given to us from our Father. The food you eat, the water you drink, all that you see – all has come to be through HIM! Smile and rejoice – it is all come to be and has already been done.

Give thanks and Sings your Praises all you people.

Don’t forget to join my Faith Fellowship Group!

It’s a slow start, but as they say.. if you build it, they WILL come! I am praying for the right fellowship after being turned away so many times by those around me.

Don’t be afraid to join me! 🥰 I can’t wait to help inspire you & share scripture with YOU! 💛 Open to all believers of the Walk of Truth & Righteousness. ✨