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Yahuah Reigns, Yahusha Saves!

Posts tagged inspiration

Today’s reading comes at the eve before my hysterectomy.

Overwhelming fear has shot my nerves and my heart. I am trying to read the Scriptures to calm myself down but my hands are too shaky. So, instead I am packing up things and trying to get my mind off of everything with the humdrum of routine.

Am I to go for You? I willingly submit myself to Your desires, Father, I shout “Here I am!” Though I try my hardest to be cleansed and prepared for Your loving hand I am still afraid that I am not good enough in the back of my heart. My anxiety gnaws and gnashes its teeth at me. I bite my cheeks and draw blood. (A newer habit formed to release some of my pent up energies, though not the healthiest.)

Ready or not I have to be ready for the journey that awaits me in every sense of the word – the physical drive, the mental route, and the emotional toils. I’ve been mourning my ovaries still and now it’s time for my uterus to go too. A tiny part of my heart whispers I’ll never be happy again. My hands tremor so much I dropped my coffee cup this morning. A huge part of me doesn’t want to go. It feels like I am walking to the electric chair, taking the long stroll down to the end of the world. The end of my world, my desires being ripped out by the careful instruments of robotics today.

The end result is I am afraid. I never liked to be afraid, I am a machine when it comes to emotional turmoil. I kept my head above water for other disgusting violences… but this is somehow different. I know what I am walking into and I know my biology/body will be forever altered. My vine will no longer produce fruits of the womb. I wince when I think of the term, “bearing good fruits” because I always took it to mean that we bear children, our good fruits, and the ones who couldn’t and who bore bad fruits were burned. I understand it’s a faulty interpretation… but I have a pained heart recalling those verses.

It shouldn’t be a matter right? I know my Father is watching over me. I know all is according to His timing. I wish I had someone to talk to about this right now. I wish I had a hug. I’m trembling off and on. I like to pretend I am doing okay and I can handle all this though the truth of the matter is that I am a scared little mouse in the jaws of a murder machine, at the mercy of people I’ve never met before.

I have my bag packed and unpacked and packed again. Is my entire life going to be stuffed into this backpack, the final items I’ll be found with? I’m overthinking again. Will they just throw them out because I have no next of kin, just like my ashes? I hope they give my teddy bear to someone who needs him.

I’m rambling but I think that that’s what I’ll do before I get going. Just ramble and ramble my anxieties into this blog because that’s what it’s meant for. To have a record of my life that I can shakily write my fears and dreams. Yahusha will guide me of that I am sure. I am a timid person attempting to stand in the way of the worst thing that I ever believed that could ever happen to me. In the back of my ears I hear him telling me I fucked up, I hear I’ll never have this, I hear you’re a terrible mom, I hear all the things that foretold this moment. This horrible, terrifying, all encompassingly dreadful surgery. I never wanted my paranoia, my loathsome fears, to be true. I never wanted them all to be right.

Praise Yahuah for another day on this earth, another day to pray and draw nearer to Him as we wait for the eternal.

Today I focus on Hebrews 7:25 to recall to mind the saving grace of Yahusha, our older Brother.

As I sit here in bed I wonder about the things that I cannot control. I have an anxiety disorder that often consumes my waking hours with intrusive thoughts and obsessive behaviors that I can’t control anymore. I spend a good amount of time frozen in fear. But I am trying to train myself to shy away from my fears of being forgotten and instead turn these moments into prayers to Yahusha.

Anxiety controls every aspect of my life. From what I wear to what I eat, and if I eat, what I say to what I think, it’s all enveloping. Yahusha has the power to rescue us and intercede on our behalf in any realm – including the anxious one. Should I just open my heart to prayers rather than compulsions I would be able to feel His presence nearer to me than I ever anticipated.

Yahusha, today I pray for Your help in discerning Your voice in my life.
I ask that You help me to hear You in my moments of anxiety and that You place Your calming hand on my life.

He is ready to intercede and is capable. Who could be here to condemn us when our First Fruits, our lamb, spilled His very own blood to interrupt our lives and our punishments to allow us chances to recover from loss and come back to our original parent. What truer love is there? Who can be against us when Yah is with us?

Today thank Him for interceding on our behalf. Today, thank Him.

Find yourselves moments to pray to Him and thank Him for all that He continues to do without our knowledge. Today thank Him for taking away the negative to bring forth the positive.

We are almost at the end of the Unleavened Week and I feel lighter than I have in the last year. Though my compulsions and my withdrawals are intense I feel less pressure and fear than I did last year. I have successfully removed all that holds me back and I am greater for the forsaken thoughts being taken than I ever was with them. There have been a lot of strong spiritual meditations where Yah speaks to me and helps me see the situations and people for who they really are. I’ve successfully come out of it with a healing heart in progress and condemned the part of me that held on for so long looking for apologies that would never come.

There will never be anyone who could intercede and love me the way Yahusha does. There will never exist a stronger, purer love than the one that Yah has in store for me. All I must do now is wait to enter into the Wakened life and be not afraid of this world and it’s troubles.

Firstly, thank you to all of my followers~! I’m so excited to have you with me on this crazy journey!

Cancer has been a moving experience. I will never understand how much I’ve changed in this year. I am continually growing and finding new ways to exist. I am learning. I am adapting. I am trying my hardest to navigate these stormy waters.

Yahuah has been my stronghold in these times of insanity. I’ve been constantly disappointed in the hearts of humans and uplifted in the Glory of Yahusha. I’m still alone a year later but I’m becoming used to the stinging. It’s become a calloused wound that’s sometimes gives me pain but otherwise exists.

Yahuah has certainly brought me a mountain to overcome. How am I going to fair against this? It has been said it will capsize my small boat and throw me to the depths of the icy waters of death. If that may be so, may Yahuah be esteemed in my final hours.

I’m alone and I’m scared. I think it’s okay to admit that. I’m not any superhuman that has emotional strength of an invincible being… Just because I had the emotional durability doesn’t mean you should have dragged me through this kind of pain. But Yah will eventually see my efforts and smile. That’s all that I can hope for.

I reflect on my future and I sigh. Things changed so drastically. I am trying to be a better person with the energy I am given. My Mountain threatens to send me cascading over the edges every moment.

HalaluYahuah I will face this cancerous mountain. I will fight until I can’t anymore. Until Yah has called me home.

May Yahuah smile upon your spirit today. We are walking in His image! Let us be grateful and wonderful children today and all days of our lives.

Today I am brought to this passage after Sedar and I exalt my Yahuah and my heart blesses those around me. This pain is only temporary but the praise will be forever! HalaluYahuah!

I’m currently working on Psalms 37 once again to maintain hope as the days draw nearer.

These are a few of my translations of the Word. My favorite is TS2009 followed by HLLYH, then CSB, NIV, and ESV. I have the JUB, and CEPHER in digital formats only.

I sent a message to uphold my promise before Yahuah. I’m staring at the rain from my bedroom windows. I’m glad the Word has brought me comfort in these lonely days. I’m hungry but that’s okay. I’m feeling something and that’s what I am glad for. Feeling things.

My heart is heavy with recent memories bloomed in the land of dreams. I remember how you used to think of me and how we smiled in photos together. I laugh at your making fun of me for sneezing before every photo. I miss you above anything else at the moment but that’s okay.

I’m weak at the moment and Yahusha is sitting in my room with me, listening as I cry and plead. I never wanted to die alone but I feel the encroachment of that physical distance and it hurts. It’s human for me to want someone to check on me. It’s okay for me to feel forgotten in this pandemic. I’m trying to validate my feelings as best I can while managing medications, sickness, and self.

I do heartwork every day. I feel moved beyond aspects, frozen in others. I’m doing my best to prepare for Other World things.

The rain is beautiful. I’ll miss this sight.

I’m still upset about what happened a few weeks ago.

I had been down to nothing in my pantry nor my fridge and was struggling to find a way to make a journey to my very first Chemotherapy appointment. I reached out to the only two Belief siblings I had here because I had no one else I could potentially trust. I asked for a baggy of rice or pasta, and if they could help me find a way to my important appointment.

They never responded.

It hurts my heart to realize that the kindness and the loved Heart of the Messiah is not in their chests. I cried to my Father and I asked Him, how could they allow their own sister to starve to death? I went two days without food before a stranger on the internet offered to give me a bag of their own rice from their family of four. I cried the entire time they came and dropped off their food.

This woman had a baby who was teething at home and she spared me a morsel of her own pantry, food she could have used for her babies and her husband. But my brother and my sister couldn’t even respond to tell me they were unable because they needed to feed their own family. Instead, they flat out ignored my begging for help.

I understand plenty of things and reasons why there is silence but at the same time I would never allow my personal feelings to cloud my Messiah’s heart within me. If anyone came to me begging for food they’d be provisioned with all that I could spare at the moment and then some. I could never allow selfishness and my own feelings to hurt someone in need.

So I thanked my Yahuah for sending His angel to my stairs with her food and I begged Him to correct the error of my siblings ways. They cannot walk in this life with such a cold heart to the needy and poor in health, I beg that He is not too stern but that His point is made cross their hearts.

I prayed for their correction. It’s hard to know that your Belief siblings are not living the Truth wholly but I pray that they are finding their way back through His hands. I guess things are different in practice than in Scripture… but it should not be that way! Regardless of how we personally feel, we should not block one another and fear… we should welcome forgiveness and shelter those who are starving from spiritual or physical need.

So today I ask that you ask Yahuah to give you the Heart of Kindness and Love that the Messiah has perfectly embodied for us. I pray that He corrects you if you stray from the Path of truth and that you whole heartedly accept His discipline, understanding that it is for your benefit not your demise.

I pray for the world to one day come back to the Laws and the goodness that Yahuah has provided for us….

Chemo has been REALLY hard on my body and my mind.

I am a lot of things right now… but I am weak most of all. Abba, why have you put me through this? I stand here caked in tears and blood before you. My Father where is the Light that only You can bring into my life?

Chemo is really painful and this is only my second round. I feel an unusual burst of writing so here I am. I thank you allll for your prayers and your well wishings, I read every single one of them and pray for your well-being.

I will get back on teaching about the wonders of Yahuah, His beautiful graces, and His healing love as soon as I can. Right now it’s all my energy to continue to lead the digital eFellowship I’ve created for the Austin area – AAWF. They’re learning about the love of Yahuah and His true name through my teachings. I am grateful He has asked me to do this much for Him though I be sick.

I am doing the best I can, Yahuah. Can you see me?

In just seven days, I start my chemotherapy rounds! Six of them!

I’m extremely nervous to be honest. I’ve heard so many bad things about it and I know I will be entirely out of it and in a lot of pain… I don’t know what to do about my job at the restaurant but I will try to hold on to it as long as I can.

Chemo! I can’t believe it. First surgery, then chemotherapy.

I…. really wish you were around. It’s been extremely difficult lately. But that’s okay. I understand the situation and for all I know you’ve already forgotten about me.. or at least just moved forward to the point of not worrying or caring about it as intensely as I do.

I never thought I’d be here in a thousand years. But it’s just seven days until my life upends itself… again.

I pray that Yahuah gives me the strength to get through my chemotherapy. I hate that I have it during this entire corona virus conspiracy. I already have a weak immune system and chemotherapy will wipe out the rest of it. But I have to get it done… so hopefully I don’t get sick or it doesn’t come down here.

I wish you were here.

I’ve been working so much lately that it’s difficult to keep writing, but I wanted to let you know I am still around.

Though I may not like where I am at again I know I need to use the tools provided to me by Yah to try to keep food on my table. Cancer is painfully isolating, and painful in every other sense of the word. Right now I am angry. The other day, I thought I had accepted everything… no… now I feel right back at the beginning.

But I guess sickness like this is cyclical in nature. You never really get over certain stages of the grieving process because you’re always in mourning. There’s always something that you suddenly remember you may never be able to do again and it rekindles the process all over again.

The process… there’s so many processes that go into this. I feel like I can’t name them all to be honest because I haven’t gone through them all. I’m just a baby along this journey. There are far more that are experienced and farther along than I am.

My thoughts have turned to children so much these past few days that I cannot watch TV anymore without crying. Did you notice there’s so many ads for families and babies? I did. The perfect family… more on that later.

But I am trying to find my feet again. I know you’re heading to LA, and I hope you have a wonderful time. I found the postcards you sent last time and smiled a little. You promised one day you’d be my guide around LA and we could figure out the city together. I’d see the beach and the ocean. We’d avoid all the touristy spots and you’d show me that korean karaoke bar.

There were so many things that we thought we’d do.

A slight set back, but that’s okay.
I’m currently able to walk okay now! I am still waiting for a few appointments, chemo is growing ever closer, and I am cleaning up my area to prepare for moving out. So many things changing!

I was gifted another translation of the Scriptures by a nurse again, and I am ever thankful for their kindness during my trying time. Especially since I had hit her with my legs when she was trying to draw blood from me!

Yahuah sends His messages when we least expect them. Tonight is a new moon, tomorrow a new month. So today I let go of the past as best I can.

I let go of the apologies that I wish I had received but never appeared.
I breathe out the pain and heartache you left me with this year.
I am struggling to stand but I try my hardest to put my foot forward into a new month for a new start towards my journey. I’m in pain and still recovering, but I am trying to walk the best I can according to Yahuah’s will… and if this is His will, then I listen to His directions.

I will walk humbly and with the direction He gives.
I will love mercy and push myself to forgive you both in my own time with Yahusha’s help.
I will do right by Yah.