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Yahuah Reigns, Yahusha Saves!

Posts tagged lifestyle

I love love love fall and I cannot wait for the next cold front. I’m waiting by the windows in my sweaters, my cardigans, my scarves and my hats.

These past few weeks have taught me a lot about being c o z y. What does that mean?

“Giving a feeling of comfort, warmth, and relaxation.” – definition from some website that I just googled for time’s sake. Coziness is something I aspire to these days. I’ve stopped chemotherapy, I’ve stopped my medical treatments and I’m taking a trust fall into Yah’s loving embrace. That’s difficult to wrap my head around these days… and I want to try to get cozy with it.

I try to seek comfort in this verse at all the times that I feel myself fading from the Light. I fear my death more and more each day and I am trying to get cozy with it… it’s NOT a death sentence. It’s a transition. A transition to a better Place, to a World of love and light. Where I can see my children once again and love on them. I am trying to get comfortable with the idea of a lot of things these days… and it’s exceedingly difficult keeping up with everything honestly.

So how do I get cozy? How do I find the path towards comfort and warmth? I started once again by praying every morning and night… something I found difficult to begin anew due to my recent falling away. But I am diligent in my thanksgiving prayers. I am hopeful for a path to the warmth of Yah’s graces. How do we find comfort in anything these days with everything feeling like it’s hopeless. Here are a few ways I’ve found some solace …

  • Treating each day as a gift rather than a burden. I’ve fallen before into the trap of dreading waking up each day and hating the life that I was living before cancer struck me… and I made a change. Instead of dread I’ve woken up each day with thanks in my heart for another sunrise of possibilities.
  • Trying to find new things to do, rather than laying around waiting for things to happen. Though I get tired so often and quickly these days I make it a goal to get comfortable doing ONE new thing a day no matter how small it seems to me. A new thing from the day before… like a new coffee creamer or a new phrase to say. Something NEW and able to shake up the ordinary. 🙂
  • Finding joy in simple pleasures like coffee, sweaters, and home decor. I am guilty of loooooooooving Animal Crossing and enjoying the aspect of decorating small spaces. One of the new things I’ve started is digging up old things from storage to redecorate my living space in order to find fresh energy in my life. I created a “selfie self-care corner” with a new mirror I found and some old vines and lights, added some positivity inspiring signs, and voila! A new corner to sit and enjoy when I am feeling down.
  • Writing practice in my journals! I LOVE JOURNALING and PLANNING! I’ve recently fallen into a funk because my handwriting was getting messier and messier due to a lack of practice… but I decided recently, NO! I let that happen so I need to make time to write and get my feelings onto paper while practicing my penmanship again. I print out cute pictures, loving photos, and quotes to inspire me in my little journals. I put down future plans, short term goals, and daily feelings. I add stickers and plan short tasks and goals to achieve each day… and man does it help with my motivation!
  • Baking breads and cooking small meals. This one is a LOT harder to me than it sounds typing out because I am simply almost always out of energy to do this, but even making a sandwich has its perks. 🙂 I cooked a homemade chicken noodle soup the other day and felt SO accomplished!!! Breads though… that’s the real struggle. I can make cinnamon rolls and doughs like any other but … somehow breads are a pain!
  • Finding solace in reading the Scriptures every day. I have so many different copies of the Word that I really have no excuse NOT to read, so I ensure that I eat my portion of His word daily. It’s helped me find comfort in some smaller and heavier things that weigh on my mind because they teach me lessons that are refreshed every single day… and I like to try to journal what these lessons mean to me. These kinds of practices help me feel that warmth that I aspire to find in Yah’s heart!
  • Cleaning and organizing my space! Kind of inline with the decorating aspect, but clearing out old things that I -never- use anymore and reorganizing my living quarters has really helped me find some sweet peace of mind. 🙂
  • CANDLES. It sounds so dumb, but candles have really helped me feel comfort! I looooooooove fall scents and I stumbled into the Bath & Body Works candle sale and grabbed enough candles to last me the season (whoops, thank heavens for coupons and sales!) They’re really good at helping my space feel like my own, and bringing me a sense of calm and collectedness when I am in a place of anxiety.

I have found a handful of things that make me happy. I may make a smaller, light hearted little post about what makes me happy these days… I am not sure yet. But I am trying to write more for you all because I fell off the other month… and I want to share my story with everyone.

September is ovarian cancer awareness month and I want everyone to get themselves checked out as soon as possible and remain up to date on their pelvic exams. Fight for what you believe is right for YOU. I had to advocate for myself for years before they listened to my complaints and took me seriously. Don’t give up! ADVOCATE FOR YOU!

I want to get cozy… I want to get further along in feeling happiness and contentment with my decisions as of late. I am hoping things are turning for the best…. I am hoping they are coming to a calm point in my life. We can only see what happens…. until then, I am waiting for the cool winds and pumpkin patches this season. 🙂

To say I love fall is a serious understatement.

I love the decor. The leaves. The weather. The snacks.

I love the coziness that the season emits. I’m a true autumn spirit and I look forward to this season all year long.

Today I thought I wasn’t going to have the energy to get up out of my bed, but I bled a bit through the sheets and needed to get myself to do laundry. Little by little, I started my morning and started my routine of getting ready… then I decided, you know what? I’ve been cooped up in my apartment way too long. I want to get out. So I gathered enough energy from within myself and I went out. To Bath and Body Works. 😀

I went with the intention of getting a friend a candle because I want everyone to feel the warmth of autumn this year. I found the cutest pumpkin caramel spice candle and picked it up for her. I browsed the store and relished every second of sniffing each candle and body soap. I finally had some energy to get the heck out of bed! I felt tired but I felt good.

My body hurts, but my heart is full. ❤

Right now I am snacking on some pumpkin muffins that same friend made and I’m watching some weird fall themed Hallmark movies on the TV. I’m waiting for word from the LomL. I’m happy to say I’ve listened intently to Yah’s word yesterday and am learning how to take breaks between workloads…. today was a fun example of that!

I also went to HEB and bought some things for myself, including a self-care brownie batter mix that I’ll make tonight to help my heart stay happy. I decluttered my apartment too! I did so many things today!

I love autumn. I love pumpkins. I can’t wait to go look at some sweet squashes and enjoy the fresh apple spiced air. It’s my favorite season and I am READY for it … though honestly, I’ve already started enjoying it here in my spirit. 🙂 Such a wonderful season to enjoy… bittersweet, but beautiful.

The statistics for ovarian cancer in women is staggering. The American Cancer Society estimates 21,750 women will be diagnosed and 13,940 women will die from ovarian cancer in 2020. With COVID-19 lurking, these numbers may be even higher as this pre-existing condition may complicate someone who may contract the virus. Ovarian cancer ranks 5th in cancer deaths among women which accounts for more than any other female reproductive system cancers. 1 in 78 women will likely get ovarian cancer in their lifetime. These numbers do not include potential ovarian tumors.

September is ovarian cancer month and is symbolized with a teal ribbon. Ovarian cancer is a type of cancer that begins in the ovaries. There are 2 ovaries in the female reproductive system. This type of cancer will often go undetected until it spreads to the pelvis and abdomen. If this type of cancer spreads before it has been diagnosed, it is very difficult to treat and remove. Chemotherapy and/or surgery is generally used for treatment and/or removal.

What is ovarian cancer?

It is when abnormal cells in the ovary begin to multiply out of control and form a tumor.

Types of Ovarian Cancer

  • Epithelial tumors form in the layer of tissue on the outside of the ovaries. About 90 percent of ovarian cancers are epithelial tumors
  • Stromal tumors grow in the hormone-producing cells. Seven percent of ovarian cancers are stromal tumors.
  • Germ cell tumors develop in the egg-producing cells. Germ cell tumors are rare.

The signs & symptoms of ovarian cancer:

  • Abdominal bloating or swelling
  • Quickly feeling full when eating
  • Weight loss
  • Discomfort in the pelvis area
  • Changes in bowel habits, such as constipation
  • A frequent need to urinate
  • Back pain
  • Abdominal pain
  • Upset stomach
  • Pain during sex
  • Changes in a woman’s period, such as heavier bleeding than normal

Screening Test

  1. The CA 125 cancer antigen blood test is available but “not recommended for women with an average risk of ovarian cancer”, according to the Mayo Clinic. According to the link, elevated CA 125 levels include other prognosis such as:
  • Endometriosis
  • Liver cirrhosis
  • Normal menstruation
  • Pelvic inflammatory disease
  • Uterine fibroids

2. The test used most often is TVUS (transvaginal ultrasound) which uses sound waves to look at the uterus, fallopian tubes and ovaries. A wand is inserted into the vagina and will help find a mass or tumor in the ovary. This test cannot detect if a tumor is cancer or benign.

3. Abdominal and pelvic CT scan or MRI. The CT scan is faster and will provide more information than an X-ray. A CT scan moves around the body and takes pictures at different angles, whereas an X-ray takes it from one angle. Depending on what the doctor orders, you may have to drink an oral contrast such as barium or they may inject a dye into an IV to get better results.

4. If you are allergic to barium, iodine or any other contrast dye, your doctor may order an MRI.

Is Ovarian Cancer hereditary?

Yes, in a small percentage of ovarian cancer cases, the cause is from a gene mutation inherited by the parents. The genes known to increase the risk are called breast cancer gene 1 (BRCA1) and breast cancer gene 2 (BRCA2). These same genes increase the risk of breast cancer. Genetic tests detect mutations associated with these inherited genes.

Most ovarian cancers are not inherited but are acquired during a woman’s life. It is unknown what causes these uninherited mutations.

In case you can’t tell… I’m a writer.

More specifically I’m a personal journal-er. I endeavor to collect the most journals ever & make them into little memorials of my trials and accomplishments through the years.

I intensely decorate each page. I doodle, cut, glue, and color in each themed page one by one. I write my heart out for each day, log my memories, take note of my health data, and measure out my anxiety attacks. I stick glittery butterflies everywhere I can, keep receipts and scraps of paper to glue to the pages, and manage to somehow find a way to throw in some extra bits of scrapbooking paper. The point of this paragraph is simple: I decorate my heart out onto each page.

The one problem I have is that I can never finish an entire journal from start to end. I always get about halfway before I find another that I really like and start working on that one… I always say I will use it for some other type of journaling but it never winds up like that. I always, always, always find a way to make that new bound book my diary and restart the process all over again.

Tonight I found two of those halfway full journals. One was from 2018, and the other from 2019. In it, you see a stark difference and it shocked me.

2018, my binding was colorful and full of expression. It was bursting at the seams with receipts and scraps of paper, stickers and glittery glue. Each page had Tombow brush inks all over it, with smooth yet vibrant hued writing. 2019 had a bright start but somehow… it just started fading into monochromes. There was less and less pizazz. Glitter grew extinct. Stickies were missing. My writing had become stiff and rigid instead of colorful and enthusiastic.

In 2019, I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. From the get go, you can see where my journey begins as that’s where my pages start declining. 2018, I was still a healthy(ish) girl with the world in her hands. Smiling, laughing, loving. I was still blissfully unaware of what was growing in my abdomen at those very moments in time. I had a partner that I loved dearly and I felt supported. Then 2019 happened. Then the cancer came along.

And here we are, over a year later… and I’m not journaling as I used to. I’m too tired these days to spend much time cutting away scraps of paper to glue in. I don’t go out anymore because of COVID and my sickness. I rarely have the energy to do much of anything.

The contrast between the two journals is enough to make me cry. Instead of filling out pages of memories I am writing in final directives on paper forms for my banks and care teams. I am struggling to get up in the morning. Right at this moment I am in tears. Cancer has taken so much from me… and it took away my favorite pastime. I’m too tired these days to do much of anything.

I have written steadfastly since I was in high school. I wrote everything down. I decorated all pages as vibrantly as the rainbow. 2019… I become a shell of a scared girl. I see myself questioning all the results of the scans and the tests. I hear the whispering voice of a petrified girl asking for help. 2007, I’m writing about my boyfriend at the time constantly and Inuyasha. I’m different people growing at the same continuous time…

I guess I write my blogs because it’s easier for me to feel like I’m remembered. I never have to finish this journal because it’s never-ending…. there’s no risk of me drifting off into another pretty paper’d cover. I always get distracted and forget to finish all the pages…. I guess I’m pretty all over the place right now. Sigh. Suffice to say, my emotions are running on high and I am scrambled.

It’s always interesting to see how far I’ve gotten… but this was a progression that I didn’t want to revisit. But it’s my truth. And I am grateful for it to be honest. I am glad to see my pain reflected in writing because it means that I survived those anxious days. It means there was a semblance of hope glittering in the background of all that mess… and maybe there could be some here at this time.

I encourage you to keep blogging. You’ll love to come back and see how stupid you sounded, or how enlightening your humor was/is. It’s a wonderful way to pass the time and I wish I had more energy for it. I don’t want cancer to completely remove my favorite hobby so I will dedicate a chunk of time when I can to writing and decorating once again. I might start a new prayer journal praising Yahuah for all He has done for me in 2020! I’m almost done with the year and need to play catch up! Just because cancer has eaten my body and spirit doesn’t mean I can pretend 2020 didn’t happen and not write out my reality. I need to document it … and it’s never too late to.

Hey everyone!

I have a lot of fun with digital design, so I decided to start hosting my little Yahuah inspired art pieces for the world to use to praise His name!

If you look on my navigation bar to the left, you’ll see a new page called My Art Pieces. Click there and you’ll be taken to the page where I’ll be periodically uploading my latest little digital creations for all the world to use.

We have so many beautiful wallpapers and icons/headers for a variety of bible verses with “Lord” and “God” in the text, but almost none that share the love of our Father by His true name. I aim to change that and create modern, beautiful scripts for your personal use. Just link back to me so other people can benefit!

If you’d like to see any personalized ones, I do those too – just email me at halalu.yhuh@gmail.com to get in contact with me and I’ll see what I can do for you. 🙂 I want to share my talents with you all and spread His True Name.

More to come soon, ok?

I feel like a failure, but I am trying to find strength in my decision.

There’s got to be some sort of hope beyond what is dismally seen, right?

I am reminding myself with this post that all things are possible with the love of Yahuah. With repentance we shall be saved by His grace. With pure and clean hearts we are gathered up once again.

all is found when you place Elohim first. Turn back and love Yahuah with all your hearts. Let your heart follow His word and His truth. All things will come to their respectful places in time with His help.

That’s me…. well, that’s me in Animal Crossing New Horizons.

It’s no lie to say that I adore this little game. I get to pick fruits, fish for trouts and dig up clams, I get to catch butterflies and collect bugs. My character changes clothes with my mood and my little home island continually reshapes itself over and over to fit my current home-lifestyle trend.

I can have all the baubles and the junk I want in my dream island home. I can do whatever I want to do in my ACNH world. Most importantly to me…. I can be somebody else for a little while. Digitally, I can be healthy.

Gaming has always been a guilty pleasure of mine. Before my diagnosis I didn’t actively seek gaming online as a form of entertainment because I was able to do so many other things like write in my journals or paint on my canvases. Lately though, post-diagnosis, gaming online has become one of my biggest sources of focus and distraction. Though I don’t game online with friends (what friends?) I do like to timesink myself into some Stardew Valley or ACNH. Sometimes I’ll play Splatoon2 if I am feeling strong enough to face online foes. Other times it’s Mario Kart in the cancer center with the patients.

Gaming has always brought me closer to people online and in person and has always been such a nice bonding experience (except for Goldeneye shootouts and HALO capture the flag tourneys… some of those games could get heatedly vicious, esp. SSBMelee….) There was always the entertainment of a nice Mario Party to bring friends together over playful banter and trash talk. I wouldn’t have always called myself a gamer to be honest with you. I found other ways of expressing myself and doing things that entertained me. But now, late in life, I would definitely call myself a weeby gamer girl (as heated and debatable as that topic is!)

I enjoy the focus it takes to turn my attention towards this little digital reality while I seek to rectify my current situations. Sometimes getting lost in a little ACNH is enough to bring up a new solution or a new view of a problem I’d been having for that day, week, or month. I do my best work while procrastinating major projects to be 100% honest. Thus gaming enables my mind to be creative and seek new pathways for whatever I am facing at that moment.

My switch helps me calm down and breathe when I am feeling overwhelmed and anxious. I have an anxiety disorder that results in continual panic attacks and for an asthmatic, that sucks! (HAHA) So, just having a safe “space” on my Switch world to retreat to for a little while is comforting and essential for these crazy days. If I am mad I can cool down with some Splatoon2, if I am sad I can plant some new radishes and sunflowers in my farm on Stardew Valley. There’s so much to do in that little screen!

So yeah…. I game. I play cute little video games sometimes and I enjoy the heck out of it. I try to escape my reality for a little bit. I get to be a healthy little avatar of myself for a few short hours… and it’s absolutely wonderful to get that kind of enjoyment out of a material good these days. I guess that’s why I treasure my Nintendo Switch. Not only because a dear one gifted it to me but also because it’s become my constant companion during this cancer journey. I can always rely on my Switch to have something ready for me to sink into when my feels are overwhelming and that’s comforting.

Today’s reading comes at the eve before my hysterectomy.

Overwhelming fear has shot my nerves and my heart. I am trying to read the Scriptures to calm myself down but my hands are too shaky. So, instead I am packing up things and trying to get my mind off of everything with the humdrum of routine.

Am I to go for You? I willingly submit myself to Your desires, Father, I shout “Here I am!” Though I try my hardest to be cleansed and prepared for Your loving hand I am still afraid that I am not good enough in the back of my heart. My anxiety gnaws and gnashes its teeth at me. I bite my cheeks and draw blood. (A newer habit formed to release some of my pent up energies, though not the healthiest.)

Ready or not I have to be ready for the journey that awaits me in every sense of the word – the physical drive, the mental route, and the emotional toils. I’ve been mourning my ovaries still and now it’s time for my uterus to go too. A tiny part of my heart whispers I’ll never be happy again. My hands tremor so much I dropped my coffee cup this morning. A huge part of me doesn’t want to go. It feels like I am walking to the electric chair, taking the long stroll down to the end of the world. The end of my world, my desires being ripped out by the careful instruments of robotics today.

The end result is I am afraid. I never liked to be afraid, I am a machine when it comes to emotional turmoil. I kept my head above water for other disgusting violences… but this is somehow different. I know what I am walking into and I know my biology/body will be forever altered. My vine will no longer produce fruits of the womb. I wince when I think of the term, “bearing good fruits” because I always took it to mean that we bear children, our good fruits, and the ones who couldn’t and who bore bad fruits were burned. I understand it’s a faulty interpretation… but I have a pained heart recalling those verses.

It shouldn’t be a matter right? I know my Father is watching over me. I know all is according to His timing. I wish I had someone to talk to about this right now. I wish I had a hug. I’m trembling off and on. I like to pretend I am doing okay and I can handle all this though the truth of the matter is that I am a scared little mouse in the jaws of a murder machine, at the mercy of people I’ve never met before.

I have my bag packed and unpacked and packed again. Is my entire life going to be stuffed into this backpack, the final items I’ll be found with? I’m overthinking again. Will they just throw them out because I have no next of kin, just like my ashes? I hope they give my teddy bear to someone who needs him.

I’m rambling but I think that that’s what I’ll do before I get going. Just ramble and ramble my anxieties into this blog because that’s what it’s meant for. To have a record of my life that I can shakily write my fears and dreams. Yahusha will guide me of that I am sure. I am a timid person attempting to stand in the way of the worst thing that I ever believed that could ever happen to me. In the back of my ears I hear him telling me I fucked up, I hear I’ll never have this, I hear you’re a terrible mom, I hear all the things that foretold this moment. This horrible, terrifying, all encompassingly dreadful surgery. I never wanted my paranoia, my loathsome fears, to be true. I never wanted them all to be right.

Home is a sensation more than it is a physical place. I was moved a few times in my short life from area to area but the ranch lands always stuck like a sore thumb in the backgrounds. I grew up in the sunflower fields and corn stalks. I played in the plowed soil. Land was plenty and houses were still far away from our ranch.

I went to the place I last thought of as my childhood home and found it achingly empty. So I stood in the plowed fields and wept. Home was gone. The places I thought of as a home base for my wild spirit had evaporated like a puddle in the scorching sun. Just when I broke and needed it the most, needed the weathered window panes and comforting yelps of the dogs… it was FOR SALE BY OWNER.

I cried for who knows how long. Time in the fields is ruled by the path of the sunlight and my eyes were too watery to watch it glazing by in the sky. Home is a sensation, a piece of your heart that continually changes to set the pace of your life. Where was home for me now…? My childhood was up for sale yet again and vacant. It’s familiar sounds were all muted and strange.

I walked along the dirt road as far as my feet would take me. The fields were bare due to the heat and lack of service by experienced farm hands since COVID19 had swept the nation. The smell was stale soil and thickly humid air. Where was my home? Where would I come and share moments of comfort and familiarity now? I didn’t realize how much I’d missed my living room couch and my oddly painted walls. Where was home now?

I knelt in the dirt and I prayed my heart to Yahuah to help me find my answers. I felt like a little lost balloon, bopping and weaving between the clouds… ready to descend and die any moment the wind changed.

For the last year my heart has been with Yah, learning and rediscovering new and strange parts of myself that I’d forgotten or neglected. I’d obeyed His laws and observed His feasts. The answer was incredibly simple: My home was Yahuah. My familiarity was Yahusha. No longer would I be tied down to a physical location of my biological birth… no, the cords had been severed and my body free-fell aimlessly headlong into cancerous care and sickened injections. But the death of my family home meant the birth of my REAL Parent’s home. my Father’s Wakened World that lay ahead in the plowed fields just out of finger’s reach.

This ranchland had always been my skin and my flesh. The live stock were always my blood and my routine was my muscle… the morning ambling from shed to shed to let them all out to pasture, milk, feed, wash, dry, repeat. From the time I was a child, I was un chica de granja, My family worked the orchards and I picked the oranges and cotton buds right alongside them. I was taught how to filet fishes, tame and break horses, ride bareback and saddled, butcher and skin the various livestock… I learned it all. These were my vital organs for so long.

But now, my organs were pitted with alien speckles and growths. My hometown was no longer mine… and it felt freeing. I was free from the sexism, the racism, the pain and violence it all bore upon me. Though… it would never erase the memories and scars my hometown had left decades earlier…. it was a new start to continue to seek Yahuah’s love. He removed the familiar to make room for the Fresh, the Wakening, all that He provided.

The world is violent and it is terrifying. I’ve lived through disgusting acts besotted upon my being and my bones. But Yahuah is here to take that all away from me and to gift me with the World should I earn my place in it.

Obey His commands, Seek His heart, Love Him entirely with your soul and your being. Love Him always above anything and anyone else.

That’s what I’d learned this past year and I’d done my absolute best to stay with it. The world’s violences threaten me constantly with new tumors and news that breaks my spirit down over and over again… but I try to get back up as often and quick as I can.

But the time is coming and I know it deep inside of my core. The time is coming to go Home. I don’t want to look at it in the face because it’s a terrifying ordeal to transition through…. but it’s there. The clock is ticking faster and faster and it’s replaced the beat of my heart. The time is coming to go Home. I knelt in the soil and felt it slip past my fingers as I fumbled with the uneven terrain. I let it all go. He wanted me Home soon. And I’d give myself over to His will because that was the right thing to do.

Home is a sensation, a comfort that we seek in times of crisis. Mine was no longer of this earth, of this violent reality, but something and someOne greater than anything this reality could ever provide. Home was Yahuah. Home IS Yahuah. And I wish that so many people could see that, maybe then they’d learn to love one another and fear His Name. How much I’d wanted to share what I’d learned about His love… but no one listened. The nurses did, kindly, let me rattle on and on. One even read the Scriptures to me while I rested my head during an infusion. But the world wasn’t ready for His heart yet.

Home is where your heart is. My heart is with Yah… I felt the wind press through the bald patches in my hair. Home was not cancer, nor the treatment center, nor the hospital that I’d come to know so well. My abdomen ached. I had been here before, years back, and I wondered how far the progression of my cancer had been when I’d last been sitting on this field. I stared at the flat earth that encircled me with distant trucks and plows and tractors lazily bustling by. And it all felt too alien.

No…. no longer was this my home. This town that had raped and pillaged my innocence. This violent and terrible bubble of a world that had condoned my beatings and my submission to a man unkind and unruly. Though I loved these fields and these ranch lands, it no longer felt like my heart’s sensation of home. It felt so freeing to stand in that soil and take one last look around. I wiped the earth from my knees and I thanked Yahuah for His words in my spirit.

No longer would I ever venture back here. It was no longer of any importance to me… no longer of any use. It was no longer my home.

Often, I wonder how I can feel like I am doing all the right things and yet still be getting sicker. Still be getting worse and worse news. Still be suffering and left wondering, where am I going wrong?

Cancer is a total and all-encompassing disease that sometimes I find hard to believe isn’t just manufactured to replicate income sales for “Big Pharma”. I find it uncomfortable to believe that Yahuah, the Most High, would afflict anyone in His flock with this devastation.

After my recent suicide attempt and hospitalization my doctors decided removing my medications was negligent (my words, not theirs) and replaced my dosages with max’d out numbers again, plus another to help stabilize my depression. It’s left me feeling… number than I thought… but at least I am not actively suicidal. I can deal with my thoughts by placing the boxes in the backroom of the broken down conveyor warehouse and go on with my day.

I have all the more check-ins, constant questions of “how is your day going” from nurses, and pin pricks, needle points, blood draws, and eventually more invasive procedures. But I still ask myself… how am I getting sicker? Is Yahuah angry with me, am I continuing to do all the more bad than good in His eyes so this is His answer?

I attempted to end my life because of a myriad of reasons I may eventually right about but one of them was because I felt I wasn’t good enough for Yahuah. I know He sent me this news to teach me more lessons on valuing my life and I don’t understand why He continues to save it (that makes 16 suicide attempts in my 30 years.) I don’t understand anything. I don’t want to pretend that I do because I know I don’t understand the ways of Yah.

Storm sickness rocked my weekend. I threw up blood and migraines popped vessels in my eyes. I feel like I am guilty of sins I don’t know anything about. I’m beginning to live in a state of constant fear and even more anxiety that I am doing wrong by Yah and this is why my life is becoming so increasingly difficult. Because I’m not good enough.

I don’t want to live like this, I know He is an all encompassing love and gentle to His flock. Logically I understand that. But emotionally I am a frightened sheep wandering too close to the edge of a cliff.