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Yahuah Reigns, Yahusha Saves!

Posts tagged love

Today’s reading comes at the eve before my hysterectomy.

Overwhelming fear has shot my nerves and my heart. I am trying to read the Scriptures to calm myself down but my hands are too shaky. So, instead I am packing up things and trying to get my mind off of everything with the humdrum of routine.

Am I to go for You? I willingly submit myself to Your desires, Father, I shout “Here I am!” Though I try my hardest to be cleansed and prepared for Your loving hand I am still afraid that I am not good enough in the back of my heart. My anxiety gnaws and gnashes its teeth at me. I bite my cheeks and draw blood. (A newer habit formed to release some of my pent up energies, though not the healthiest.)

Ready or not I have to be ready for the journey that awaits me in every sense of the word – the physical drive, the mental route, and the emotional toils. I’ve been mourning my ovaries still and now it’s time for my uterus to go too. A tiny part of my heart whispers I’ll never be happy again. My hands tremor so much I dropped my coffee cup this morning. A huge part of me doesn’t want to go. It feels like I am walking to the electric chair, taking the long stroll down to the end of the world. The end of my world, my desires being ripped out by the careful instruments of robotics today.

The end result is I am afraid. I never liked to be afraid, I am a machine when it comes to emotional turmoil. I kept my head above water for other disgusting violences… but this is somehow different. I know what I am walking into and I know my biology/body will be forever altered. My vine will no longer produce fruits of the womb. I wince when I think of the term, “bearing good fruits” because I always took it to mean that we bear children, our good fruits, and the ones who couldn’t and who bore bad fruits were burned. I understand it’s a faulty interpretation… but I have a pained heart recalling those verses.

It shouldn’t be a matter right? I know my Father is watching over me. I know all is according to His timing. I wish I had someone to talk to about this right now. I wish I had a hug. I’m trembling off and on. I like to pretend I am doing okay and I can handle all this though the truth of the matter is that I am a scared little mouse in the jaws of a murder machine, at the mercy of people I’ve never met before.

I have my bag packed and unpacked and packed again. Is my entire life going to be stuffed into this backpack, the final items I’ll be found with? I’m overthinking again. Will they just throw them out because I have no next of kin, just like my ashes? I hope they give my teddy bear to someone who needs him.

I’m rambling but I think that that’s what I’ll do before I get going. Just ramble and ramble my anxieties into this blog because that’s what it’s meant for. To have a record of my life that I can shakily write my fears and dreams. Yahusha will guide me of that I am sure. I am a timid person attempting to stand in the way of the worst thing that I ever believed that could ever happen to me. In the back of my ears I hear him telling me I fucked up, I hear I’ll never have this, I hear you’re a terrible mom, I hear all the things that foretold this moment. This horrible, terrifying, all encompassingly dreadful surgery. I never wanted my paranoia, my loathsome fears, to be true. I never wanted them all to be right.

Today was an exhausting and trying day. I don’t feel ready to face anything so I am finding myself hiding more and more from myself. Though… you can’t hide from yourself and your own body.

Depleted. I feel depleted. I knew there was going to be bad news. I’m alone facing the news and the fears, the tidal pool of depressive downs… everything. I understand why but it doesn’t make it much easier.

The reality of cancer is depletion and decay.

The reality of the attempt of my life hasn’t faded and won’t fade away. I feel this is punishment for that attempt and I’m understanding of it. I’m still alone and I still want to be hugged. Everything is a blur of activity but I feel like a hollow little ghost amidst it all… barely existing, barely moving, barely anything. A wisp of a girl that … just can’t feel anything other than fatigue.

Yahuah sends the waves that knock us over, and He sends the calmest of waters. I’m waiting for my calm waters. I’m praying my hardest to find the guidance that I need and the strength to pursue the Truth.

Have I lost my light? Yahusha please find my voice… I feel like I’ve lost it to my body’s vicious cycle of altered “renewal”.

Lean not on your own understanding… someone commented this on my last post and I needed it to keep myself together. I read all of your responses and I am grateful for your words of encouragement. Thank you for them.

I am thankful today for the sacrifices made by my elder Brother. For all that He has done for my life, I want to sit and be still. I want to thank Yahusha for all He sees fit to help me accomplish.

Today I sit outside and reflect on my scriptures. I am shamed of my crookedness that has caused my Yahusha so much problems trying to help me fix… But I am grateful for His work.

Smile today my friends because it is Shabbat and it is a day to set apart for the love of our Yah.

I pray for you all and that you all find your cleansing. I pray that you find reasons to smile and reasons to laugh. I set aside this moment to thank Yahusha for your time and your lives flourishing. 💕 thank you Yahusha!

It’s coming soon, and I can feel the strings of sorrow beginning to emerge from under my skin… like the webblings of veins being tugged loose from a nerve center.

I don’t know what I will feel this year.

My removal surgery has greatly affected my mental health this year. I can only imagine the amount of sorrow and grief my heart will experience as Mother’s Day is celebrated by the nations. As stupid as it is, I find it difficult to let go of that day because of all of my losses – I grew up in the nations with that day being a big reminder of motherhood and all things that I aspired to one day have. And now that my ovaries are gone… I will no longer biologically be able to produce my own children anymore. And that has a devastating toll on me.

I know I shouldn’t even count it as one of my days or give it a passing thought… but it always reminds me of the children I’ve carried in my womb. And all the little lives that are sleeping with their Father having been spared the shock of this world…. I should be grateful. I should ignore that day just like any other day… I should… I should I should. but how can I?

My heart is already in mourning and bitter anticipation of such a trainwreck of a day coming up on the calendar.

Praise Yahuah for another day on this earth, another day to pray and draw nearer to Him as we wait for the eternal.

Today I focus on Hebrews 7:25 to recall to mind the saving grace of Yahusha, our older Brother.

As I sit here in bed I wonder about the things that I cannot control. I have an anxiety disorder that often consumes my waking hours with intrusive thoughts and obsessive behaviors that I can’t control anymore. I spend a good amount of time frozen in fear. But I am trying to train myself to shy away from my fears of being forgotten and instead turn these moments into prayers to Yahusha.

Anxiety controls every aspect of my life. From what I wear to what I eat, and if I eat, what I say to what I think, it’s all enveloping. Yahusha has the power to rescue us and intercede on our behalf in any realm – including the anxious one. Should I just open my heart to prayers rather than compulsions I would be able to feel His presence nearer to me than I ever anticipated.

Yahusha, today I pray for Your help in discerning Your voice in my life.
I ask that You help me to hear You in my moments of anxiety and that You place Your calming hand on my life.

He is ready to intercede and is capable. Who could be here to condemn us when our First Fruits, our lamb, spilled His very own blood to interrupt our lives and our punishments to allow us chances to recover from loss and come back to our original parent. What truer love is there? Who can be against us when Yah is with us?

Today thank Him for interceding on our behalf. Today, thank Him.

Find yourselves moments to pray to Him and thank Him for all that He continues to do without our knowledge. Today thank Him for taking away the negative to bring forth the positive.

We are almost at the end of the Unleavened Week and I feel lighter than I have in the last year. Though my compulsions and my withdrawals are intense I feel less pressure and fear than I did last year. I have successfully removed all that holds me back and I am greater for the forsaken thoughts being taken than I ever was with them. There have been a lot of strong spiritual meditations where Yah speaks to me and helps me see the situations and people for who they really are. I’ve successfully come out of it with a healing heart in progress and condemned the part of me that held on for so long looking for apologies that would never come.

There will never be anyone who could intercede and love me the way Yahusha does. There will never exist a stronger, purer love than the one that Yah has in store for me. All I must do now is wait to enter into the Wakened life and be not afraid of this world and it’s troubles.

May Yahuah smile upon your spirit today. We are walking in His image! Let us be grateful and wonderful children today and all days of our lives.

Today I am brought to this passage after Sedar and I exalt my Yahuah and my heart blesses those around me. This pain is only temporary but the praise will be forever! HalaluYahuah!

I’m still upset about what happened a few weeks ago.

I had been down to nothing in my pantry nor my fridge and was struggling to find a way to make a journey to my very first Chemotherapy appointment. I reached out to the only two Belief siblings I had here because I had no one else I could potentially trust. I asked for a baggy of rice or pasta, and if they could help me find a way to my important appointment.

They never responded.

It hurts my heart to realize that the kindness and the loved Heart of the Messiah is not in their chests. I cried to my Father and I asked Him, how could they allow their own sister to starve to death? I went two days without food before a stranger on the internet offered to give me a bag of their own rice from their family of four. I cried the entire time they came and dropped off their food.

This woman had a baby who was teething at home and she spared me a morsel of her own pantry, food she could have used for her babies and her husband. But my brother and my sister couldn’t even respond to tell me they were unable because they needed to feed their own family. Instead, they flat out ignored my begging for help.

I understand plenty of things and reasons why there is silence but at the same time I would never allow my personal feelings to cloud my Messiah’s heart within me. If anyone came to me begging for food they’d be provisioned with all that I could spare at the moment and then some. I could never allow selfishness and my own feelings to hurt someone in need.

So I thanked my Yahuah for sending His angel to my stairs with her food and I begged Him to correct the error of my siblings ways. They cannot walk in this life with such a cold heart to the needy and poor in health, I beg that He is not too stern but that His point is made cross their hearts.

I prayed for their correction. It’s hard to know that your Belief siblings are not living the Truth wholly but I pray that they are finding their way back through His hands. I guess things are different in practice than in Scripture… but it should not be that way! Regardless of how we personally feel, we should not block one another and fear… we should welcome forgiveness and shelter those who are starving from spiritual or physical need.

So today I ask that you ask Yahuah to give you the Heart of Kindness and Love that the Messiah has perfectly embodied for us. I pray that He corrects you if you stray from the Path of truth and that you whole heartedly accept His discipline, understanding that it is for your benefit not your demise.

I pray for the world to one day come back to the Laws and the goodness that Yahuah has provided for us….

Chemo has been REALLY hard on my body and my mind.

I am a lot of things right now… but I am weak most of all. Abba, why have you put me through this? I stand here caked in tears and blood before you. My Father where is the Light that only You can bring into my life?

Chemo is really painful and this is only my second round. I feel an unusual burst of writing so here I am. I thank you allll for your prayers and your well wishings, I read every single one of them and pray for your well-being.

I will get back on teaching about the wonders of Yahuah, His beautiful graces, and His healing love as soon as I can. Right now it’s all my energy to continue to lead the digital eFellowship I’ve created for the Austin area – AAWF. They’re learning about the love of Yahuah and His true name through my teachings. I am grateful He has asked me to do this much for Him though I be sick.

I am doing the best I can, Yahuah. Can you see me?

I’m not going to lie, it’s been very hard lately to trust when my body is aching and my heart is dashed.

I’ve been doing my best to read the Scripture when my heart feels ready for it – the worst thing to do at the moment is make reading a chore. I’ve found myself in Tehillim more than I ever have been in the past.

Things are hard and I am ready for them to be over. Trying to maintain that peppy and nurturing outer shell is harder and harder these days as I continue getting ready for chemotherapy. I often find myself going into a spiral of anxiety and I know I shouldn’t be getting away from myself.

They’re adjusting my medications in prep and I am trying to ride out the waves of emotions that come along with chemical disturbances. I am trying to get myself out of a hole that I can’t see the bottom of.

Yahuah has a strength though that has always gotten me out of rough situations. I’ve been called tenacious and even the strongest person known to some. Yahuah has gifted me with the strength of heart that I needed to overcome this cancer and I intend on using it.

So today, despite my pains, I will remember the best things that Yahuah has offered me. Despite my loneliness I will recall what has been given to me in the past and what blessings I’ve come to love before this devastation occurred.

I will keep trying.

How can we apply this reading to your situation today? How is Yahuah trying to reach you, what is He trying to remind you of?

In the middle of the Shadow of the Valley of Death, I sing my praises to my Father. This may be His plan but I will esteem and rejoice in all that He has to offer me until my last breath.

I apply this reminder today and remind myself of Yahuah’s Plans for my feet. I remind myself of Yahusha’s love for me. It may be dark and full of hopeless feelings but I will try my hardest to make it to the end of the journey peacefully.

Sing your praises, you people of the earth! Give thanks for all that you are blessed with today – the breath you take, given to us from our Father. The food you eat, the water you drink, all that you see – all has come to be through HIM! Smile and rejoice – it is all come to be and has already been done.

Give thanks and Sings your Praises all you people.