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Yahuah Reigns, Yahusha Saves!

Posts tagged motivation

Today’s reading comes at the eve before my hysterectomy.

Overwhelming fear has shot my nerves and my heart. I am trying to read the Scriptures to calm myself down but my hands are too shaky. So, instead I am packing up things and trying to get my mind off of everything with the humdrum of routine.

Am I to go for You? I willingly submit myself to Your desires, Father, I shout “Here I am!” Though I try my hardest to be cleansed and prepared for Your loving hand I am still afraid that I am not good enough in the back of my heart. My anxiety gnaws and gnashes its teeth at me. I bite my cheeks and draw blood. (A newer habit formed to release some of my pent up energies, though not the healthiest.)

Ready or not I have to be ready for the journey that awaits me in every sense of the word – the physical drive, the mental route, and the emotional toils. I’ve been mourning my ovaries still and now it’s time for my uterus to go too. A tiny part of my heart whispers I’ll never be happy again. My hands tremor so much I dropped my coffee cup this morning. A huge part of me doesn’t want to go. It feels like I am walking to the electric chair, taking the long stroll down to the end of the world. The end of my world, my desires being ripped out by the careful instruments of robotics today.

The end result is I am afraid. I never liked to be afraid, I am a machine when it comes to emotional turmoil. I kept my head above water for other disgusting violences… but this is somehow different. I know what I am walking into and I know my biology/body will be forever altered. My vine will no longer produce fruits of the womb. I wince when I think of the term, “bearing good fruits” because I always took it to mean that we bear children, our good fruits, and the ones who couldn’t and who bore bad fruits were burned. I understand it’s a faulty interpretation… but I have a pained heart recalling those verses.

It shouldn’t be a matter right? I know my Father is watching over me. I know all is according to His timing. I wish I had someone to talk to about this right now. I wish I had a hug. I’m trembling off and on. I like to pretend I am doing okay and I can handle all this though the truth of the matter is that I am a scared little mouse in the jaws of a murder machine, at the mercy of people I’ve never met before.

I have my bag packed and unpacked and packed again. Is my entire life going to be stuffed into this backpack, the final items I’ll be found with? I’m overthinking again. Will they just throw them out because I have no next of kin, just like my ashes? I hope they give my teddy bear to someone who needs him.

I’m rambling but I think that that’s what I’ll do before I get going. Just ramble and ramble my anxieties into this blog because that’s what it’s meant for. To have a record of my life that I can shakily write my fears and dreams. Yahusha will guide me of that I am sure. I am a timid person attempting to stand in the way of the worst thing that I ever believed that could ever happen to me. In the back of my ears I hear him telling me I fucked up, I hear I’ll never have this, I hear you’re a terrible mom, I hear all the things that foretold this moment. This horrible, terrifying, all encompassingly dreadful surgery. I never wanted my paranoia, my loathsome fears, to be true. I never wanted them all to be right.

I’m packing up the things I need, and I am jittery with worry.

I have the strangest of feelings. I don’t know why I feel like things are going to end so quickly. I don’t know how to best prepare for that kind of thing you know? I am packing socks and tie up pajama pants with loose and breathable fabric. A teddy bear for cuddle company. My Scriptures for safe guarding my spirit.

I’m just probably overthinking things. Today was an odd feeling.. Today was a very displaced one. I read all day and rested my body. I felt an unusual disconnect honestly. I don’t know where the anxiety came from. I guess it’s pretty typical to get major freak-outs the last weekend before major body surgery.

Thank you Yahuah for the blessings only You can bring to my heart. Thank You for the strength and understanding to walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death. I will fear no evil. Thank You.. though I don’t deserve the love You give me, I thank you over and over for it. I will sing Your name for the rest of my life.

I’m packing up for my surgery and my road trip… but I am unsure of what exactly to bring. I already have my clothes and my pajamas ready for the transition, my Scriptures, and some socks. What else would I bring to this?

I don’t know exactly how long I will be checked in to recuperate. Last time it took a few days before I was released so I want to be sure I have everything needed to be … comfortable with what’s going on.

Any suggestions, world?

Today was an exhausting and trying day. I don’t feel ready to face anything so I am finding myself hiding more and more from myself. Though… you can’t hide from yourself and your own body.

Depleted. I feel depleted. I knew there was going to be bad news. I’m alone facing the news and the fears, the tidal pool of depressive downs… everything. I understand why but it doesn’t make it much easier.

The reality of cancer is depletion and decay.

The reality of the attempt of my life hasn’t faded and won’t fade away. I feel this is punishment for that attempt and I’m understanding of it. I’m still alone and I still want to be hugged. Everything is a blur of activity but I feel like a hollow little ghost amidst it all… barely existing, barely moving, barely anything. A wisp of a girl that … just can’t feel anything other than fatigue.

Yahuah sends the waves that knock us over, and He sends the calmest of waters. I’m waiting for my calm waters. I’m praying my hardest to find the guidance that I need and the strength to pursue the Truth.

Have I lost my light? Yahusha please find my voice… I feel like I’ve lost it to my body’s vicious cycle of altered “renewal”.

Lean not on your own understanding… someone commented this on my last post and I needed it to keep myself together. I read all of your responses and I am grateful for your words of encouragement. Thank you for them.

Praise Yahuah for another day on this earth, another day to pray and draw nearer to Him as we wait for the eternal.

Today I focus on Hebrews 7:25 to recall to mind the saving grace of Yahusha, our older Brother.

As I sit here in bed I wonder about the things that I cannot control. I have an anxiety disorder that often consumes my waking hours with intrusive thoughts and obsessive behaviors that I can’t control anymore. I spend a good amount of time frozen in fear. But I am trying to train myself to shy away from my fears of being forgotten and instead turn these moments into prayers to Yahusha.

Anxiety controls every aspect of my life. From what I wear to what I eat, and if I eat, what I say to what I think, it’s all enveloping. Yahusha has the power to rescue us and intercede on our behalf in any realm – including the anxious one. Should I just open my heart to prayers rather than compulsions I would be able to feel His presence nearer to me than I ever anticipated.

Yahusha, today I pray for Your help in discerning Your voice in my life.
I ask that You help me to hear You in my moments of anxiety and that You place Your calming hand on my life.

He is ready to intercede and is capable. Who could be here to condemn us when our First Fruits, our lamb, spilled His very own blood to interrupt our lives and our punishments to allow us chances to recover from loss and come back to our original parent. What truer love is there? Who can be against us when Yah is with us?

Today thank Him for interceding on our behalf. Today, thank Him.

Find yourselves moments to pray to Him and thank Him for all that He continues to do without our knowledge. Today thank Him for taking away the negative to bring forth the positive.

We are almost at the end of the Unleavened Week and I feel lighter than I have in the last year. Though my compulsions and my withdrawals are intense I feel less pressure and fear than I did last year. I have successfully removed all that holds me back and I am greater for the forsaken thoughts being taken than I ever was with them. There have been a lot of strong spiritual meditations where Yah speaks to me and helps me see the situations and people for who they really are. I’ve successfully come out of it with a healing heart in progress and condemned the part of me that held on for so long looking for apologies that would never come.

There will never be anyone who could intercede and love me the way Yahusha does. There will never exist a stronger, purer love than the one that Yah has in store for me. All I must do now is wait to enter into the Wakened life and be not afraid of this world and it’s troubles.

Firstly, thank you to all of my followers~! I’m so excited to have you with me on this crazy journey!

Cancer has been a moving experience. I will never understand how much I’ve changed in this year. I am continually growing and finding new ways to exist. I am learning. I am adapting. I am trying my hardest to navigate these stormy waters.

Yahuah has been my stronghold in these times of insanity. I’ve been constantly disappointed in the hearts of humans and uplifted in the Glory of Yahusha. I’m still alone a year later but I’m becoming used to the stinging. It’s become a calloused wound that’s sometimes gives me pain but otherwise exists.

Yahuah has certainly brought me a mountain to overcome. How am I going to fair against this? It has been said it will capsize my small boat and throw me to the depths of the icy waters of death. If that may be so, may Yahuah be esteemed in my final hours.

I’m alone and I’m scared. I think it’s okay to admit that. I’m not any superhuman that has emotional strength of an invincible being… Just because I had the emotional durability doesn’t mean you should have dragged me through this kind of pain. But Yah will eventually see my efforts and smile. That’s all that I can hope for.

I reflect on my future and I sigh. Things changed so drastically. I am trying to be a better person with the energy I am given. My Mountain threatens to send me cascading over the edges every moment.

HalaluYahuah I will face this cancerous mountain. I will fight until I can’t anymore. Until Yah has called me home.

May Yahuah smile upon your spirit today. We are walking in His image! Let us be grateful and wonderful children today and all days of our lives.

Today I am brought to this passage after Sedar and I exalt my Yahuah and my heart blesses those around me. This pain is only temporary but the praise will be forever! HalaluYahuah!

HalaluYahuah! I am here arrived at my first qdsh week, my first of a lifetime of Spring Feasts!

I am so thrilled to have made it this far in my journey – in May it will be a year that I vowed my life to keeping the Command of Yahuah. How the time flies!

I am grateful that I am allowed this time to get to know our Father, His words, and our Brother’s shining example of excellence.

This blog post is an emotional one for me. I am full of smiles that our Father has given to me, I am free of toxicity, but I am also full of tumors. I give my voice to my Father that He may find it in His heart to guide me along my way to His side, that He may see my repentance and the ridding of the forsaken from my heart and my mind, and that He may correct those that do wrong across the nations.

He is coming, and He is all powerful.

Yahuah, may we learn from Your words and may we all bow our knees to You. I am truly happy that Your guidance has brought me to this place in my life where You allow me to serve You. May I make You smile, as I am Always trying to do!

That’s all the energy I have for now. 🙂 I will write more as I am inspired.

Today I write my notes on Humility, using my method of scripture study in order to read and help digest Philippians 2:7.

I am excited today that my handwriting has improved so much. I am now writing with my left hand in order to help combat essential tremors in my right hand predominantly. I think my handwriting has come out looking great over the many months of practice!!

Humility has different meanings to everyone. What one may view as humbling another many not. And that’s okay. You don’t need to agree to a universal. It’s difficult to accept that because the Scriptures are universal in themselves inherently. The people are divided and conquered by these differing methodologies unfortunately – but the principle of humbling oneself is one of the most common written about in the Scriptures. It’s easy to say that humbling is between oneself and Yahuah, but in the end that’s what it boils down to.

Yahuah truly searches the heart and knows the mind beyond even our own understanding. If we make others more important than ourselves, then we humble. For my own journey, humbling and crumbling often weigh the same amount of grain on the scales. It’s hard to accept that what we need for ourselves isn’t what others need for their own lives – we’re taught to help soothe pains in our hearts in order to heal and let go of things. That’s a principle I’ve held to – in order to properly let go, I need to hear certain phrases or be apologized to or take charge of speaking up for myself. After years of being silenced I found a voice and I intend to use it in order to allow myself power over the feelings that rot holes in my chest.

I am important and I am valid as a daughter in the eyes of Yahuah. I don’t want to let anyone rule over what my heart has and has not done, only Yahusha. I make my spirituality a vital aspect of my ruling life these days but I do not boast about it because I want to remain as humble as I can. I will freely speak on the subject when it is brought to me but I will go no further than I am invited because we are not meant to throw our pearls before the nations that would sooner crush them or cash them in for their own greed.

Humility is a lesson I am continually learning. Cancer has broken me down in ways that I never thought I could undergo. I have been humbled by ovarian cancer and it’s helped me to go to appointments and empathize with other people a lot better than I used to be able to.

I want to continually update this kind of post with new lessons because I believe humility is something we are always learning and always trying to perfect as we go along. So I will make this into a multiple update post. 🙂

It’s another day of recovery, praise Yah.

As I weed through the memories that I need to forsake and remove from my heart, I think on the practice of removing this physical leaven from my life. I think on the spiritual level.

With cancer life gets full of unnecessary negativity. It becomes suffocating and hard to wade through. I held tightly to promises that I shouldn’t have that were made at the beginning of my diagnosis because I wanted desperately to believe I wasn’t alone… though, in the end, those promises were ultimately hollow.

I work through my grief in different ways depending on the subject. As I gear up to celebrate my FIRST set of Spring Feasts, I am reflecting on my year. Cancer has been one hell of a journey so far. I am scared and I am trying my best to mourn the person I wanted to be as effectively as possible. What this means looks different to everyone (according to the doctor), but it’s important that I reflect so that I can move forward.

People who don’t understand the pains and loneliness that cancer and sickness bring are often on a different timeline of grieving than we are. They expect us to get over and past things that they’ve already grieved themselves quicker than we realistically can. But piles of emotional problems and doctor’s visits alongside managing everyone else’s reactions to your cancer are not things they see on the daily end.

We can’t move past things sometimes because we’re busy moving past and mourning other things, bigger things, than ourselves.

My body is weak and so is my heart sometimes, most times. I am trying to press forward and beyond this time in my life but the weight of cancerous tumors drags me to the back of the line oftentimes. I want to get on the same timeline as everyone else but I simply can’t do it. I can keep trying or I can accept the timeline that Yahuah has given to me instead.

My heart is not as clean as I’d like it to be before the Spring feasts, but my spirit is trying harder than it has ever tried to get closer to Him. I want Him to smile at the world and see that there is still some good left here.

Let no one tell you that you’re not doing good enough, that you’re not working along to their timeline. Let NO ONE command you except for Yahuah, Yahusha, and our Ruach. If you submit your apologies and your repentance, let it be to Yah. No man should command your heart or your healing to go in the way they want it to go. If you’re still healing and mourning the loss of a loved one, then mourn and heal on your timeline! They cannot live that pain for you, they can only watch and complain from the sidelines.

Only Yah searches the hearts and knows the souls of His followers.

This weekend was difficult, but much will come from it. I finally stood up for myself against one of my most painful memories and ultimately am better for it despite my pain.

Timelines are tragedies in their own rights. I don’t believe that there are true timelines we are meant to follow. I am trying my hardest to finish my own time in my own way, healing as best I can before Yah comes to my side to take me. I am working through my emotions and my pains. I am trying to make Him smile.

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the reign of the heavens. (MT 5:3)