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Yahuah Reigns, Yahusha Saves!

Posts tagged scripture

Today’s reading comes at the eve before my hysterectomy.

Overwhelming fear has shot my nerves and my heart. I am trying to read the Scriptures to calm myself down but my hands are too shaky. So, instead I am packing up things and trying to get my mind off of everything with the humdrum of routine.

Am I to go for You? I willingly submit myself to Your desires, Father, I shout “Here I am!” Though I try my hardest to be cleansed and prepared for Your loving hand I am still afraid that I am not good enough in the back of my heart. My anxiety gnaws and gnashes its teeth at me. I bite my cheeks and draw blood. (A newer habit formed to release some of my pent up energies, though not the healthiest.)

Ready or not I have to be ready for the journey that awaits me in every sense of the word – the physical drive, the mental route, and the emotional toils. I’ve been mourning my ovaries still and now it’s time for my uterus to go too. A tiny part of my heart whispers I’ll never be happy again. My hands tremor so much I dropped my coffee cup this morning. A huge part of me doesn’t want to go. It feels like I am walking to the electric chair, taking the long stroll down to the end of the world. The end of my world, my desires being ripped out by the careful instruments of robotics today.

The end result is I am afraid. I never liked to be afraid, I am a machine when it comes to emotional turmoil. I kept my head above water for other disgusting violences… but this is somehow different. I know what I am walking into and I know my biology/body will be forever altered. My vine will no longer produce fruits of the womb. I wince when I think of the term, “bearing good fruits” because I always took it to mean that we bear children, our good fruits, and the ones who couldn’t and who bore bad fruits were burned. I understand it’s a faulty interpretation… but I have a pained heart recalling those verses.

It shouldn’t be a matter right? I know my Father is watching over me. I know all is according to His timing. I wish I had someone to talk to about this right now. I wish I had a hug. I’m trembling off and on. I like to pretend I am doing okay and I can handle all this though the truth of the matter is that I am a scared little mouse in the jaws of a murder machine, at the mercy of people I’ve never met before.

I have my bag packed and unpacked and packed again. Is my entire life going to be stuffed into this backpack, the final items I’ll be found with? I’m overthinking again. Will they just throw them out because I have no next of kin, just like my ashes? I hope they give my teddy bear to someone who needs him.

I’m rambling but I think that that’s what I’ll do before I get going. Just ramble and ramble my anxieties into this blog because that’s what it’s meant for. To have a record of my life that I can shakily write my fears and dreams. Yahusha will guide me of that I am sure. I am a timid person attempting to stand in the way of the worst thing that I ever believed that could ever happen to me. In the back of my ears I hear him telling me I fucked up, I hear I’ll never have this, I hear you’re a terrible mom, I hear all the things that foretold this moment. This horrible, terrifying, all encompassingly dreadful surgery. I never wanted my paranoia, my loathsome fears, to be true. I never wanted them all to be right.

Firstly, thank you to all of my followers~! I’m so excited to have you with me on this crazy journey!

Cancer has been a moving experience. I will never understand how much I’ve changed in this year. I am continually growing and finding new ways to exist. I am learning. I am adapting. I am trying my hardest to navigate these stormy waters.

Yahuah has been my stronghold in these times of insanity. I’ve been constantly disappointed in the hearts of humans and uplifted in the Glory of Yahusha. I’m still alone a year later but I’m becoming used to the stinging. It’s become a calloused wound that’s sometimes gives me pain but otherwise exists.

Yahuah has certainly brought me a mountain to overcome. How am I going to fair against this? It has been said it will capsize my small boat and throw me to the depths of the icy waters of death. If that may be so, may Yahuah be esteemed in my final hours.

I’m alone and I’m scared. I think it’s okay to admit that. I’m not any superhuman that has emotional strength of an invincible being… Just because I had the emotional durability doesn’t mean you should have dragged me through this kind of pain. But Yah will eventually see my efforts and smile. That’s all that I can hope for.

I reflect on my future and I sigh. Things changed so drastically. I am trying to be a better person with the energy I am given. My Mountain threatens to send me cascading over the edges every moment.

HalaluYahuah I will face this cancerous mountain. I will fight until I can’t anymore. Until Yah has called me home.

May Yahuah smile upon your spirit today. We are walking in His image! Let us be grateful and wonderful children today and all days of our lives.

Today I am brought to this passage after Sedar and I exalt my Yahuah and my heart blesses those around me. This pain is only temporary but the praise will be forever! HalaluYahuah!

Today I write my notes on Humility, using my method of scripture study in order to read and help digest Philippians 2:7.

I am excited today that my handwriting has improved so much. I am now writing with my left hand in order to help combat essential tremors in my right hand predominantly. I think my handwriting has come out looking great over the many months of practice!!

Humility has different meanings to everyone. What one may view as humbling another many not. And that’s okay. You don’t need to agree to a universal. It’s difficult to accept that because the Scriptures are universal in themselves inherently. The people are divided and conquered by these differing methodologies unfortunately – but the principle of humbling oneself is one of the most common written about in the Scriptures. It’s easy to say that humbling is between oneself and Yahuah, but in the end that’s what it boils down to.

Yahuah truly searches the heart and knows the mind beyond even our own understanding. If we make others more important than ourselves, then we humble. For my own journey, humbling and crumbling often weigh the same amount of grain on the scales. It’s hard to accept that what we need for ourselves isn’t what others need for their own lives – we’re taught to help soothe pains in our hearts in order to heal and let go of things. That’s a principle I’ve held to – in order to properly let go, I need to hear certain phrases or be apologized to or take charge of speaking up for myself. After years of being silenced I found a voice and I intend to use it in order to allow myself power over the feelings that rot holes in my chest.

I am important and I am valid as a daughter in the eyes of Yahuah. I don’t want to let anyone rule over what my heart has and has not done, only Yahusha. I make my spirituality a vital aspect of my ruling life these days but I do not boast about it because I want to remain as humble as I can. I will freely speak on the subject when it is brought to me but I will go no further than I am invited because we are not meant to throw our pearls before the nations that would sooner crush them or cash them in for their own greed.

Humility is a lesson I am continually learning. Cancer has broken me down in ways that I never thought I could undergo. I have been humbled by ovarian cancer and it’s helped me to go to appointments and empathize with other people a lot better than I used to be able to.

I want to continually update this kind of post with new lessons because I believe humility is something we are always learning and always trying to perfect as we go along. So I will make this into a multiple update post. 🙂

I’m still upset about what happened a few weeks ago.

I had been down to nothing in my pantry nor my fridge and was struggling to find a way to make a journey to my very first Chemotherapy appointment. I reached out to the only two Belief siblings I had here because I had no one else I could potentially trust. I asked for a baggy of rice or pasta, and if they could help me find a way to my important appointment.

They never responded.

It hurts my heart to realize that the kindness and the loved Heart of the Messiah is not in their chests. I cried to my Father and I asked Him, how could they allow their own sister to starve to death? I went two days without food before a stranger on the internet offered to give me a bag of their own rice from their family of four. I cried the entire time they came and dropped off their food.

This woman had a baby who was teething at home and she spared me a morsel of her own pantry, food she could have used for her babies and her husband. But my brother and my sister couldn’t even respond to tell me they were unable because they needed to feed their own family. Instead, they flat out ignored my begging for help.

I understand plenty of things and reasons why there is silence but at the same time I would never allow my personal feelings to cloud my Messiah’s heart within me. If anyone came to me begging for food they’d be provisioned with all that I could spare at the moment and then some. I could never allow selfishness and my own feelings to hurt someone in need.

So I thanked my Yahuah for sending His angel to my stairs with her food and I begged Him to correct the error of my siblings ways. They cannot walk in this life with such a cold heart to the needy and poor in health, I beg that He is not too stern but that His point is made cross their hearts.

I prayed for their correction. It’s hard to know that your Belief siblings are not living the Truth wholly but I pray that they are finding their way back through His hands. I guess things are different in practice than in Scripture… but it should not be that way! Regardless of how we personally feel, we should not block one another and fear… we should welcome forgiveness and shelter those who are starving from spiritual or physical need.

So today I ask that you ask Yahuah to give you the Heart of Kindness and Love that the Messiah has perfectly embodied for us. I pray that He corrects you if you stray from the Path of truth and that you whole heartedly accept His discipline, understanding that it is for your benefit not your demise.

I pray for the world to one day come back to the Laws and the goodness that Yahuah has provided for us….

Chemo has been REALLY hard on my body and my mind.

I am a lot of things right now… but I am weak most of all. Abba, why have you put me through this? I stand here caked in tears and blood before you. My Father where is the Light that only You can bring into my life?

Chemo is really painful and this is only my second round. I feel an unusual burst of writing so here I am. I thank you allll for your prayers and your well wishings, I read every single one of them and pray for your well-being.

I will get back on teaching about the wonders of Yahuah, His beautiful graces, and His healing love as soon as I can. Right now it’s all my energy to continue to lead the digital eFellowship I’ve created for the Austin area – AAWF. They’re learning about the love of Yahuah and His true name through my teachings. I am grateful He has asked me to do this much for Him though I be sick.

I am doing the best I can, Yahuah. Can you see me?

HalaluYahuah!✨💛 We have two groups now – one on FB Messenger and one on Group Me.

If you’d like to be added to the Facebook one, please leave your username/ Facebook name in the comments and I’ll try to add you – give me an idea of your profile picture so I can add the right person!

I am so thankful for your support. Thank YOU! 🥰🥰

How can we apply this reading to your situation today? How is Yahuah trying to reach you, what is He trying to remind you of?

In the middle of the Shadow of the Valley of Death, I sing my praises to my Father. This may be His plan but I will esteem and rejoice in all that He has to offer me until my last breath.

I apply this reminder today and remind myself of Yahuah’s Plans for my feet. I remind myself of Yahusha’s love for me. It may be dark and full of hopeless feelings but I will try my hardest to make it to the end of the journey peacefully.

Sing your praises, you people of the earth! Give thanks for all that you are blessed with today – the breath you take, given to us from our Father. The food you eat, the water you drink, all that you see – all has come to be through HIM! Smile and rejoice – it is all come to be and has already been done.

Give thanks and Sings your Praises all you people.

Don’t forget to join my Faith Fellowship Group!

It’s a slow start, but as they say.. if you build it, they WILL come! I am praying for the right fellowship after being turned away so many times by those around me.

Don’t be afraid to join me! 🥰 I can’t wait to help inspire you & share scripture with YOU! 💛 Open to all believers of the Walk of Truth & Righteousness. ✨

I am trying my hardest to work up energy to combat more of my emotions.

The differentiation between my anxiety and reality is so hard to distinguish sometimes.

With Yahuah’s help tonight I will focus on:
1. The amount of effort I put into healing.
2. How I recuperate from the day’s toils.
3. Which scripture I am reading and how I allow it to enter my mind and heart so that it takes care of me.

I cannot, you cannot, no one but Yahuah can control how other people react or speak to you. Sometimes my anxiety feels like the way I act or speak directly affects the way other people will act towards me… and sometimes that may be the case but it isn’t always. That part of the equation is hard for me to understand – I am not always the reason people treat me badly.

We are outside of a stranger’s circle of control just like they are outside of ours. But, we are all within of Yahuah’s circle of control. All comes to be through Him (Yohanan 1:3) and this means that all that comes to be is under His direct control.

Yahuah is Above All, the Most High.

So what do we do? Well, we can control how we react to people treating us badly. I know, this isn’t a revolutionary idea by any means but it is one that is worth being repeated over and over. We are not able to control how other people react but we CAN control how we react to them.

My decisions towards bitterness is to pray and let it all go. Let it fall within the strong hands of Yahusha who judges all things and who sets records straight. Let the situation fall upon our Father’s eyes because He created all things. All these situations are within His powerful circle of control. I bless the ones who hurt my heart and I bless all of those who doubt my journey with Yahuah. I have held on too long to the pain and tonight I begin to push it away.

Tonight I hope to show you this infographic in order that you may be reminded of what is within your grasp. I hope this helps you my family as it has been an important reminder for me and I thank Yahuah for His message.

Pray and SEEK Him!