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Yahuah Reigns, Yahusha Saves!

Posts tagged sick

In case you can’t tell… I’m a writer.

More specifically I’m a personal journal-er. I endeavor to collect the most journals ever & make them into little memorials of my trials and accomplishments through the years.

I intensely decorate each page. I doodle, cut, glue, and color in each themed page one by one. I write my heart out for each day, log my memories, take note of my health data, and measure out my anxiety attacks. I stick glittery butterflies everywhere I can, keep receipts and scraps of paper to glue to the pages, and manage to somehow find a way to throw in some extra bits of scrapbooking paper. The point of this paragraph is simple: I decorate my heart out onto each page.

The one problem I have is that I can never finish an entire journal from start to end. I always get about halfway before I find another that I really like and start working on that one… I always say I will use it for some other type of journaling but it never winds up like that. I always, always, always find a way to make that new bound book my diary and restart the process all over again.

Tonight I found two of those halfway full journals. One was from 2018, and the other from 2019. In it, you see a stark difference and it shocked me.

2018, my binding was colorful and full of expression. It was bursting at the seams with receipts and scraps of paper, stickers and glittery glue. Each page had Tombow brush inks all over it, with smooth yet vibrant hued writing. 2019 had a bright start but somehow… it just started fading into monochromes. There was less and less pizazz. Glitter grew extinct. Stickies were missing. My writing had become stiff and rigid instead of colorful and enthusiastic.

In 2019, I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. From the get go, you can see where my journey begins as that’s where my pages start declining. 2018, I was still a healthy(ish) girl with the world in her hands. Smiling, laughing, loving. I was still blissfully unaware of what was growing in my abdomen at those very moments in time. I had a partner that I loved dearly and I felt supported. Then 2019 happened. Then the cancer came along.

And here we are, over a year later… and I’m not journaling as I used to. I’m too tired these days to spend much time cutting away scraps of paper to glue in. I don’t go out anymore because of COVID and my sickness. I rarely have the energy to do much of anything.

The contrast between the two journals is enough to make me cry. Instead of filling out pages of memories I am writing in final directives on paper forms for my banks and care teams. I am struggling to get up in the morning. Right at this moment I am in tears. Cancer has taken so much from me… and it took away my favorite pastime. I’m too tired these days to do much of anything.

I have written steadfastly since I was in high school. I wrote everything down. I decorated all pages as vibrantly as the rainbow. 2019… I become a shell of a scared girl. I see myself questioning all the results of the scans and the tests. I hear the whispering voice of a petrified girl asking for help. 2007, I’m writing about my boyfriend at the time constantly and Inuyasha. I’m different people growing at the same continuous time…

I guess I write my blogs because it’s easier for me to feel like I’m remembered. I never have to finish this journal because it’s never-ending…. there’s no risk of me drifting off into another pretty paper’d cover. I always get distracted and forget to finish all the pages…. I guess I’m pretty all over the place right now. Sigh. Suffice to say, my emotions are running on high and I am scrambled.

It’s always interesting to see how far I’ve gotten… but this was a progression that I didn’t want to revisit. But it’s my truth. And I am grateful for it to be honest. I am glad to see my pain reflected in writing because it means that I survived those anxious days. It means there was a semblance of hope glittering in the background of all that mess… and maybe there could be some here at this time.

I encourage you to keep blogging. You’ll love to come back and see how stupid you sounded, or how enlightening your humor was/is. It’s a wonderful way to pass the time and I wish I had more energy for it. I don’t want cancer to completely remove my favorite hobby so I will dedicate a chunk of time when I can to writing and decorating once again. I might start a new prayer journal praising Yahuah for all He has done for me in 2020! I’m almost done with the year and need to play catch up! Just because cancer has eaten my body and spirit doesn’t mean I can pretend 2020 didn’t happen and not write out my reality. I need to document it … and it’s never too late to.

I feel like a failure, but I am trying to find strength in my decision.

There’s got to be some sort of hope beyond what is dismally seen, right?

I am reminding myself with this post that all things are possible with the love of Yahuah. With repentance we shall be saved by His grace. With pure and clean hearts we are gathered up once again.

all is found when you place Elohim first. Turn back and love Yahuah with all your hearts. Let your heart follow His word and His truth. All things will come to their respectful places in time with His help.

I’m still upset about what happened a few weeks ago.

I had been down to nothing in my pantry nor my fridge and was struggling to find a way to make a journey to my very first Chemotherapy appointment. I reached out to the only two Belief siblings I had here because I had no one else I could potentially trust. I asked for a baggy of rice or pasta, and if they could help me find a way to my important appointment.

They never responded.

It hurts my heart to realize that the kindness and the loved Heart of the Messiah is not in their chests. I cried to my Father and I asked Him, how could they allow their own sister to starve to death? I went two days without food before a stranger on the internet offered to give me a bag of their own rice from their family of four. I cried the entire time they came and dropped off their food.

This woman had a baby who was teething at home and she spared me a morsel of her own pantry, food she could have used for her babies and her husband. But my brother and my sister couldn’t even respond to tell me they were unable because they needed to feed their own family. Instead, they flat out ignored my begging for help.

I understand plenty of things and reasons why there is silence but at the same time I would never allow my personal feelings to cloud my Messiah’s heart within me. If anyone came to me begging for food they’d be provisioned with all that I could spare at the moment and then some. I could never allow selfishness and my own feelings to hurt someone in need.

So I thanked my Yahuah for sending His angel to my stairs with her food and I begged Him to correct the error of my siblings ways. They cannot walk in this life with such a cold heart to the needy and poor in health, I beg that He is not too stern but that His point is made cross their hearts.

I prayed for their correction. It’s hard to know that your Belief siblings are not living the Truth wholly but I pray that they are finding their way back through His hands. I guess things are different in practice than in Scripture… but it should not be that way! Regardless of how we personally feel, we should not block one another and fear… we should welcome forgiveness and shelter those who are starving from spiritual or physical need.

So today I ask that you ask Yahuah to give you the Heart of Kindness and Love that the Messiah has perfectly embodied for us. I pray that He corrects you if you stray from the Path of truth and that you whole heartedly accept His discipline, understanding that it is for your benefit not your demise.

I pray for the world to one day come back to the Laws and the goodness that Yahuah has provided for us….

I’ve been working so much lately that it’s difficult to keep writing, but I wanted to let you know I am still around.

Though I may not like where I am at again I know I need to use the tools provided to me by Yah to try to keep food on my table. Cancer is painfully isolating, and painful in every other sense of the word. Right now I am angry. The other day, I thought I had accepted everything… no… now I feel right back at the beginning.

But I guess sickness like this is cyclical in nature. You never really get over certain stages of the grieving process because you’re always in mourning. There’s always something that you suddenly remember you may never be able to do again and it rekindles the process all over again.

The process… there’s so many processes that go into this. I feel like I can’t name them all to be honest because I haven’t gone through them all. I’m just a baby along this journey. There are far more that are experienced and farther along than I am.

My thoughts have turned to children so much these past few days that I cannot watch TV anymore without crying. Did you notice there’s so many ads for families and babies? I did. The perfect family… more on that later.

But I am trying to find my feet again. I know you’re heading to LA, and I hope you have a wonderful time. I found the postcards you sent last time and smiled a little. You promised one day you’d be my guide around LA and we could figure out the city together. I’d see the beach and the ocean. We’d avoid all the touristy spots and you’d show me that korean karaoke bar.

There were so many things that we thought we’d do.

Today’s Scripture Study: YirmeYahu 29:11
Topic for this week: Stress and Heartbreak.

As I stand for the first time in a day and waddle over to the bathroom across the hall, I stretch my feet a little more than my injured stride has allowed so far. My incision stings at me, a hissing of scabbing gauze and angry blood clotting. As I stand leaning against the sink I ask myself where I went wrong to wind up with such a heartbreaking situation on my hands.

Reflections:

Yahuah’s timing and plans are perfect in every way but that doesn’t mean that I don’t sometimes question them. I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t at least wonder why the things that happen do. My heart’s desire has always been to have at least one single living child to raise and love on with my entire being and soul… but my feet have wound up in the pathway of ovarian cancer. I can no longer have my own biological child due to my recent surgery.

Expectancy: the state of thinking or hoping that something, especially something pleasant, will happen or be the case. (noun.)

Well.. of course I hope that something pleasant will surprise me. So there’s that off the list… But the verse states that we are to be given a future free of evils. How can this be so? There’s that small slimmer of doubt again wiggling into my anxiety’s weaknesses. Yahusha was just as I was at one point – weak and emotionally lost at His path. Yahuah brought His feet to the way they were meant to go, to a path of excellence and to His right hand. If He were to do this for His beloved Son, then what will Yah do for me as His daughter?

I am lost, and I am hurting. My incision is bleeding a little again. My legs are giving out beneath me so I sit on the bathroom floor to rest a little before taking the thousand mile trek across the hall to my bed.

What kind of future is there in the ruins of what has happened in my life so far?

I am young. I am 29 to be exact, and a year ago I was happily counting down the days until my second year anniversary with the absolute love of my life. Now…. I am leaning my head against the pinewood of my bathroom sink cabinets hoping for some strength to crawl back to my bedroom to heal from the removal of both of my ovaries due to an aggressive ovarian cancer that is overtaking my system.

Chemotherapy starts in a few weeks. I am potentially relocating to be closer to the one specialist who may be able to help with palliative care and my bleeding disorder.

Time takes us all.

The pathway to endurance and expectancy are riddled with potholes and blackouts. I am unhappy with my current situation but my Scriptures tell me to rejoice in the trying and working of my patience. Yahuah and His timing are absolute and lovely. This all has to be leading me to an expectancy that I would never have dreamed of… right?

Lexicon – Expectancy.

Hope, the perfect word for exactly what I need. Hope from Yahuah.

Application: Hope.

How is Yahuah’s Lesson today trying to help me?
I am in pain and needed to see a message of Hope today. This helps my heart in that it revitalizes the weariness that I’ve experienced these past few days. My heart was hurt last night in a place it shouldn’t have gone and I paid the price. I feel that there is no hope, but Yahuah will ALWAYS provide a way to the promises He gives.

What is Yahuah Trying to Tell Me?
I believe that Yahuah has given me a reminder to always find His esteem and His plans perfect for my feet. I will apply this reminder to my heart to hold myself stronger.

Alone and afraid, I decide to take today to lay in my bed and allow myself room to feel. Room to cry and wail. Finally enough time to let the emotional torrent of memories and thoughts will flow down as I’ve been pushing them out of my mind to try to ignore them for as long as possible.

Today I feel the overwhelming pain of this coming week.

February 14 meant so much to me for two years. It was our anniversary. I will post more on this later.. for now, this is as far as I will mention it.

Recently I have taken steps back in my recovery. And that’s okay. There’s no manual on how to recuperate properly for all your emotions, bodily pains, and mental troubles. Walking has hurt so badly I was at the hospital for a bit being checked. They sent me home with inconclusive results and a stronger painkiller.

Today I will lay in my bed and listen to the rain. I have storm sickness so I will cry and scream, I will suffer boldly. Because I haven’t been letting myself express my internal turmoil for fear it would hurt Yahuah. But Yahuah wants me emotionally healthy too .. and today I will take those steps back and be comfortable in my pains as best I can. I will try to express them and find my will to survive again.

Today I will cry. I will pray that Yahusha holds me and comforts me. I will stay alone in my darkened recovery room and I will sob my heart out. It is all that I can do but I am grateful to be doing something.

I guess in the back of my mind, I am still hoping this is all not real. That they are going to say they’re sorry and there’s been some sort of mistake… but I can’t go back on this bilateral oophorectomy. I can’t just wake up from this type of nightmare.

I guess I am still shaking from the surgery and from the loss of the last hope of support I had left near me. How could you walk out on the days RIGHT AFTER my surgery? When I’d be my weakest, and unable to protest?

I’m slowly walking around more and more. The painkillers are helping with trying to get back to my “new normal” (overused) routine. There wasn’t a large incision so I don’t feel AS sore… but day two was a walking Sheoul on earth. The pain was indescribable… I had “woken up” from the last of the industrial grade (ha) pain killing substances & I regretted it immediately. Today the emotions are finally finding their way into my brain but not fully. I am still in severe pain but I am focused on that right now because it’s physical so it’s present in my mind. But the emotional, the mental torrent… I know it’s coming down faster and faster than I’m going to be ready for.

I wish you were checking in on me still. I miss you. I know you’re freaking out about this just as much as I am… if not more. You were so scared of all of this happening to me. I wonder where you are at right now and what you’re doing. I need something mentally to distract me from the pain in my wo… in my abdomen. I’m done now with this update…. that reminder (unintentional) hurt… I’ll write better things later.