…things to think of and do before all of this collides.
…evils of the world that held me down and raped the innocence from my bones and my sinews, ravaging what purity there was left in my core.
… hopes for the better life that awaits when we Waken…
That’s all I recall. Count Backwards from 10. A Life-story of SeraYah, the dawn that evil tore down.
I’m tired of all these appointments and these late night vitals checks. I’m exhausted of the blood that pours out and ruins my pants for the evening. I cling my hardest to my Father and hold fast to hope that He will deliver the world from the birthing pains that encompass us all these days.
There’s so much more to do and to prepare with just a week left to count it all backwards. Hours to go be sliced open and days to recuperate enough to come back on my own. My own… on my own. I never wanted to be on my own for these kinds of things. I always wanted someone to sit next to me during it all and tell me it’s going to be okay because Yah will guide us. But that’s not the case. I have to be my own defender and my own strength yet again in my life. I wish things were different but I have grown to just accept that this is the way my reality is. And that’s okay. It has to be okay.
Count backwards from ten. Can you tell us your name?
In the back of my mind I wonder if I knew that something was horribly wrong all along which is why I avoided going to the Dr for years. I was afraid on a subconscious level that everything would definitely come crashing down and the visits would be the doorway to it all. But I didn’t understand even if I did know there was something deeply wrong. I barely understand now.
Count backwards from ten… 9 works and wonders that Yahusha performs so that the world will glorify its proper Father, Yahuah. 8 brothers and sisters gathered together to celebrate the feasts of our Father… 7 days of laughter and pain under one roof. 6 things I will never experience in my life.
Can you tell us where you’re from? Do you know what year it is?
It’s the year of terrible agony, horrible and devastating losses and ruptures around the globe. It’s the year evils have pervaded and perverted the reality that is today. Yah, can you find any good left in this world? May the reality find You and find Your love quickly. Though I think it’s too late for that anymore.
Count backwards from ten… can you tell us your name? My name is pain and my reality is cancer. My name is “Come to exam room one” and “Hold your arm steady for me please”. There’s so much in the world I was already afraid of and my body shouldn’t be an additional worry… but here we are.
Often, I wonder how I can feel like I am doing all the right things and yet still be getting sicker. Still be getting worse and worse news. Still be suffering and left wondering, where am I going wrong?
Cancer is a total and all-encompassing disease that sometimes I find hard to believe isn’t just manufactured to replicate income sales for “Big Pharma”. I find it uncomfortable to believe that Yahuah, the Most High, would afflict anyone in His flock with this devastation.
After my recent suicide attempt and hospitalization my doctors decided removing my medications was negligent (my words, not theirs) and replaced my dosages with max’d out numbers again, plus another to help stabilize my depression. It’s left me feeling… number than I thought… but at least I am not actively suicidal. I can deal with my thoughts by placing the boxes in the backroom of the broken down conveyor warehouse and go on with my day.
I have all the more check-ins, constant questions of “how is your day going” from nurses, and pin pricks, needle points, blood draws, and eventually more invasive procedures. But I still ask myself… how am I getting sicker? Is Yahuah angry with me, am I continuing to do all the more bad than good in His eyes so this is His answer?
I attempted to end my life because of a myriad of reasons I may eventually right about but one of them was because I felt I wasn’t good enough for Yahuah. I know He sent me this news to teach me more lessons on valuing my life and I don’t understand why He continues to save it (that makes 16 suicide attempts in my 30 years.) I don’t understand anything. I don’t want to pretend that I do because I know I don’t understand the ways of Yah.
Storm sickness rocked my weekend. I threw up blood and migraines popped vessels in my eyes. I feel like I am guilty of sins I don’t know anything about. I’m beginning to live in a state of constant fear and even more anxiety that I am doing wrong by Yah and this is why my life is becoming so increasingly difficult. Because I’m not good enough.
I don’t want to live like this, I know He is an all encompassing love and gentle to His flock. Logically I understand that. But emotionally I am a frightened sheep wandering too close to the edge of a cliff.
I am thankful today for the sacrifices made by my elder Brother. For all that He has done for my life, I want to sit and be still. I want to thank Yahusha for all He sees fit to help me accomplish.
Today I sit outside and reflect on my scriptures. I am shamed of my crookedness that has caused my Yahusha so much problems trying to help me fix… But I am grateful for His work.
Smile today my friends because it is Shabbat and it is a day to set apart for the love of our Yah.
I pray for you all and that you all find your cleansing. I pray that you find reasons to smile and reasons to laugh. I set aside this moment to thank Yahusha for your time and your lives flourishing. 💕 thank you Yahusha!
Firstly, thank you to all of my followers~! I’m so excited to have you with me on this crazy journey!
Cancer has been a moving experience. I will never understand how much I’ve changed in this year. I am continually growing and finding new ways to exist. I am learning. I am adapting. I am trying my hardest to navigate these stormy waters.
Yahuah has been my stronghold in these times of insanity. I’ve been constantly disappointed in the hearts of humans and uplifted in the Glory of Yahusha. I’m still alone a year later but I’m becoming used to the stinging. It’s become a calloused wound that’s sometimes gives me pain but otherwise exists.
Yahuah has certainly brought me a mountain to overcome. How am I going to fair against this? It has been said it will capsize my small boat and throw me to the depths of the icy waters of death. If that may be so, may Yahuah be esteemed in my final hours.
I’m alone and I’m scared. I think it’s okay to admit that. I’m not any superhuman that has emotional strength of an invincible being… Just because I had the emotional durability doesn’t mean you should have dragged me through this kind of pain. But Yah will eventually see my efforts and smile. That’s all that I can hope for.
I reflect on my future and I sigh. Things changed so drastically. I am trying to be a better person with the energy I am given. My Mountain threatens to send me cascading over the edges every moment.
HalaluYahuah I will face this cancerous mountain. I will fight until I can’t anymore. Until Yah has called me home.
I’m still upset about what happened a few weeks ago.
I had been down to nothing in my pantry nor my fridge and was struggling to find a way to make a journey to my very first Chemotherapy appointment. I reached out to the only two Belief siblings I had here because I had no one else I could potentially trust. I asked for a baggy of rice or pasta, and if they could help me find a way to my important appointment.
They never responded.
It hurts my heart to realize that the kindness and the loved Heart of the Messiah is not in their chests. I cried to my Father and I asked Him, how could they allow their own sister to starve to death? I went two days without food before a stranger on the internet offered to give me a bag of their own rice from their family of four. I cried the entire time they came and dropped off their food.
This woman had a baby who was teething at home and she spared me a morsel of her own pantry, food she could have used for her babies and her husband. But my brother and my sister couldn’t even respond to tell me they were unable because they needed to feed their own family. Instead, they flat out ignored my begging for help.
I understand plenty of things and reasons why there is silence but at the same time I would never allow my personal feelings to cloud my Messiah’s heart within me. If anyone came to me begging for food they’d be provisioned with all that I could spare at the moment and then some. I could never allow selfishness and my own feelings to hurt someone in need.
So I thanked my Yahuah for sending His angel to my stairs with her food and I begged Him to correct the error of my siblings ways. They cannot walk in this life with such a cold heart to the needy and poor in health, I beg that He is not too stern but that His point is made cross their hearts.
I prayed for their correction. It’s hard to know that your Belief siblings are not living the Truth wholly but I pray that they are finding their way back through His hands. I guess things are different in practice than in Scripture… but it should not be that way! Regardless of how we personally feel, we should not block one another and fear… we should welcome forgiveness and shelter those who are starving from spiritual or physical need.
So today I ask that you ask Yahuah to give you the Heart of Kindness and Love that the Messiah has perfectly embodied for us. I pray that He corrects you if you stray from the Path of truth and that you whole heartedly accept His discipline, understanding that it is for your benefit not your demise.
I pray for the world to one day come back to the Laws and the goodness that Yahuah has provided for us….
Chemo has been REALLY hard on my body and my mind.
I am a lot of things right now… but I am weak most of all. Abba, why have you put me through this? I stand here caked in tears and blood before you. My Father where is the Light that only You can bring into my life?
Chemo is really painful and this is only my second round. I feel an unusual burst of writing so here I am. I thank you allll for your prayers and your well wishings, I read every single one of them and pray for your well-being.
I will get back on teaching about the wonders of Yahuah, His beautiful graces, and His healing love as soon as I can. Right now it’s all my energy to continue to lead the digital eFellowship I’ve created for the Austin area – AAWF. They’re learning about the love of Yahuah and His true name through my teachings. I am grateful He has asked me to do this much for Him though I be sick.
I am doing the best I can, Yahuah. Can you see me?
In just seven days, I start my chemotherapy rounds! Six of them!
I’m extremely nervous to be honest. I’ve heard so many bad things about it and I know I will be entirely out of it and in a lot of pain… I don’t know what to do about my job at the restaurant but I will try to hold on to it as long as I can.
Chemo! I can’t believe it. First surgery, then chemotherapy.
I…. really wish you were around. It’s been extremely difficult lately. But that’s okay. I understand the situation and for all I know you’ve already forgotten about me.. or at least just moved forward to the point of not worrying or caring about it as intensely as I do.
I never thought I’d be here in a thousand years. But it’s just seven days until my life upends itself… again.
I pray that Yahuah gives me the strength to get through my chemotherapy. I hate that I have it during this entire corona virus conspiracy. I already have a weak immune system and chemotherapy will wipe out the rest of it. But I have to get it done… so hopefully I don’t get sick or it doesn’t come down here.
I wish you were here.
A slight set back, but that’s okay. I’m currently able to walk okay now! I am still waiting for a few appointments, chemo is growing ever closer, and I am cleaning up my area to prepare for moving out. So many things changing!
I was gifted another translation of the Scriptures by a nurse again, and I am ever thankful for their kindness during my trying time. Especially since I had hit her with my legs when she was trying to draw blood from me!
Yahuah sends His messages when we least expect them. Tonight is a new moon, tomorrow a new month. So today I let go of the past as best I can.
I let go of the apologies that I wish I had received but never appeared. I breathe out the pain and heartache you left me with this year. I am struggling to stand but I try my hardest to put my foot forward into a new month for a new start towards my journey. I’m in pain and still recovering, but I am trying to walk the best I can according to Yahuah’s will… and if this is His will, then I listen to His directions.
I will walk humbly and with the direction He gives. I will love mercy and push myself to forgive you both in my own time with Yahusha’s help. I will do right by Yah.
Life hasn’t been so good lately, there was a set back in my health and I had to take some time to try to recuperate adequately. But I am feeling okay, so here I am!
My being makes הוהי great, and my spirit has rejoiced in Elohim my Saviour. [LQ 1:46, 47]
I received the gift of a NIV bible from one of my surgical follow-up nurses and have been reading it over alongside my favorite translation of the Scriptures. It’s been an interesting ride reading how different authors translate and rephrase the Word! I truly love translation studies. The world the authors open up for interpretation is wonderful.
Today it is raining plenty outside and my storm sickness is setting in. I am moving around lots more and trying to regain my ability to do all things by myself. Surgery was difficult, but the healing part is the hardest!
It’s weird just how many things make sense now with my diagnosis over the past several years.
Why I was always so tired and fatigued day after day.
Why sitting for extended periods of time and laying curled up agitated my stomach and gave me stomach aches.
Why my appetite began decreasing over the last two years, causing me to fluctuate between weights.
The ever- recurrent stomach aches that were so intense I’d stay bed bound for at least a day or pop handfuls of ibuprofen just to get through college days.
My lower back aches and hip pains after walking too long.
But most of all… my body anxiety… I am so happy to finally have an explanation for why I felt so unnerved and scared to do anything that might cause me discomfort physically. My relationships suffered plenty because of my unwillingness to drive due to my anxiety, my recurrent fatigue, and withdrawing from social situations.
When I was feeling good, I was great! But when my stomach started hurting and I started bleeding, I’d withdraw into myself and pull away from doing anything. And I’d feel extremely guilty because I had no explanation other than “I’m not feeling well” which didn’t quite cover the case.
I wish I could go back in time and tell myself to go get checked a lot sooner than I had because maybe my relationship would have survived (just maybe.) Maybe I wouldn’t feel so awful about being so withdrawn without credible explanation. I’m now on anxiety medications and I know what’s the cause of my stomach pains… it’s extreme, but maybe we could have figured this out together sooner. I finally have the ability to do the things you always wanted because I am finally receiving the care I should have years ago… but it’s too late.
Things would have been different for me, I wouldn’t feel so horrible about my anxiety and my pains. I’d have been more open about the strange bleeding and taken better concern to my issues. But.. que sera, sera.
Yahuah gives to us, and He takes away. I’m struggling to find meaning in my journey at the moment. Maybe this is the life He chose for me anyway – the road to cancerous danger and death, and you were given the road to family happiness. All has its own time as there is a time for everything under the stars… and I am struggling to manage my own time. But Yahusha has been guiding my heart towards where I need to go no matter how much I don’t want to go there.