I’m packing up the things I need, and I am jittery with worry.
I have the strangest of feelings. I don’t know why I feel like things are going to end so quickly. I don’t know how to best prepare for that kind of thing you know? I am packing socks and tie up pajama pants with loose and breathable fabric. A teddy bear for cuddle company. My Scriptures for safe guarding my spirit.
I’m just probably overthinking things. Today was an odd feeling.. Today was a very displaced one. I read all day and rested my body. I felt an unusual disconnect honestly. I don’t know where the anxiety came from. I guess it’s pretty typical to get major freak-outs the last weekend before major body surgery.
Thank you Yahuah for the blessings only You can bring to my heart. Thank You for the strength and understanding to walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death. I will fear no evil. Thank You.. though I don’t deserve the love You give me, I thank you over and over for it. I will sing Your name for the rest of my life.
It’s coming soon, and I can feel the strings of sorrow beginning to emerge from under my skin… like the webblings of veins being tugged loose from a nerve center.
I don’t know what I will feel this year.
My removal surgery has greatly affected my mental health this year. I can only imagine the amount of sorrow and grief my heart will experience as Mother’s Day is celebrated by the nations. As stupid as it is, I find it difficult to let go of that day because of all of my losses – I grew up in the nations with that day being a big reminder of motherhood and all things that I aspired to one day have. And now that my ovaries are gone… I will no longer biologically be able to produce my own children anymore. And that has a devastating toll on me.
I know I shouldn’t even count it as one of my days or give it a passing thought… but it always reminds me of the children I’ve carried in my womb. And all the little lives that are sleeping with their Father having been spared the shock of this world…. I should be grateful. I should ignore that day just like any other day… I should… I should I should. but how can I?
My heart is already in mourning and bitter anticipation of such a trainwreck of a day coming up on the calendar.
I guess in the back of my mind, I am still hoping this is all not real. That they are going to say they’re sorry and there’s been some sort of mistake… but I can’t go back on this bilateral oophorectomy. I can’t just wake up from this type of nightmare.
I guess I am still shaking from the surgery and from the loss of the last hope of support I had left near me. How could you walk out on the days RIGHT AFTER my surgery? When I’d be my weakest, and unable to protest?
I’m slowly walking around more and more. The painkillers are helping with trying to get back to my “new normal” (overused) routine. There wasn’t a large incision so I don’t feel AS sore… but day two was a walking Sheoul on earth. The pain was indescribable… I had “woken up” from the last of the industrial grade (ha) pain killing substances & I regretted it immediately. Today the emotions are finally finding their way into my brain but not fully. I am still in severe pain but I am focused on that right now because it’s physical so it’s present in my mind. But the emotional, the mental torrent… I know it’s coming down faster and faster than I’m going to be ready for.
I wish you were checking in on me still. I miss you. I know you’re freaking out about this just as much as I am… if not more. You were so scared of all of this happening to me. I wonder where you are at right now and what you’re doing. I need something mentally to distract me from the pain in my wo… in my abdomen. I’m done now with this update…. that reminder (unintentional) hurt… I’ll write better things later.