Yahuah Reigns, Yahusha Saves!

Posts tagged yahuah

Often, I wonder how I can feel like I am doing all the right things and yet still be getting sicker. Still be getting worse and worse news. Still be suffering and left wondering, where am I going wrong?

Cancer is a total and all-encompassing disease that sometimes I find hard to believe isn’t just manufactured to replicate income sales for “Big Pharma”. I find it uncomfortable to believe that Yahuah, the Most High, would afflict anyone in His flock with this devastation.

After my recent suicide attempt and hospitalization my doctors decided removing my medications was negligent (my words, not theirs) and replaced my dosages with max’d out numbers again, plus another to help stabilize my depression. It’s left me feeling… number than I thought… but at least I am not actively suicidal. I can deal with my thoughts by placing the boxes in the backroom of the broken down conveyor warehouse and go on with my day.

I have all the more check-ins, constant questions of “how is your day going” from nurses, and pin pricks, needle points, blood draws, and eventually more invasive procedures. But I still ask myself… how am I getting sicker? Is Yahuah angry with me, am I continuing to do all the more bad than good in His eyes so this is His answer?

I attempted to end my life because of a myriad of reasons I may eventually right about but one of them was because I felt I wasn’t good enough for Yahuah. I know He sent me this news to teach me more lessons on valuing my life and I don’t understand why He continues to save it (that makes 16 suicide attempts in my 30 years.) I don’t understand anything. I don’t want to pretend that I do because I know I don’t understand the ways of Yah.

Storm sickness rocked my weekend. I threw up blood and migraines popped vessels in my eyes. I feel like I am guilty of sins I don’t know anything about. I’m beginning to live in a state of constant fear and even more anxiety that I am doing wrong by Yah and this is why my life is becoming so increasingly difficult. Because I’m not good enough.

I don’t want to live like this, I know He is an all encompassing love and gentle to His flock. Logically I understand that. But emotionally I am a frightened sheep wandering too close to the edge of a cliff.

Today was an exhausting and trying day. I don’t feel ready to face anything so I am finding myself hiding more and more from myself. Though… you can’t hide from yourself and your own body.

Depleted. I feel depleted. I knew there was going to be bad news. I’m alone facing the news and the fears, the tidal pool of depressive downs… everything. I understand why but it doesn’t make it much easier.

The reality of cancer is depletion and decay.

The reality of the attempt of my life hasn’t faded and won’t fade away. I feel this is punishment for that attempt and I’m understanding of it. I’m still alone and I still want to be hugged. Everything is a blur of activity but I feel like a hollow little ghost amidst it all… barely existing, barely moving, barely anything. A wisp of a girl that … just can’t feel anything other than fatigue.

Yahuah sends the waves that knock us over, and He sends the calmest of waters. I’m waiting for my calm waters. I’m praying my hardest to find the guidance that I need and the strength to pursue the Truth.

Have I lost my light? Yahusha please find my voice… I feel like I’ve lost it to my body’s vicious cycle of altered “renewal”.

Lean not on your own understanding… someone commented this on my last post and I needed it to keep myself together. I read all of your responses and I am grateful for your words of encouragement. Thank you for them.

I am thankful today for the sacrifices made by my elder Brother. For all that He has done for my life, I want to sit and be still. I want to thank Yahusha for all He sees fit to help me accomplish.

Today I sit outside and reflect on my scriptures. I am shamed of my crookedness that has caused my Yahusha so much problems trying to help me fix… But I am grateful for His work.

Smile today my friends because it is Shabbat and it is a day to set apart for the love of our Yah.

I pray for you all and that you all find your cleansing. I pray that you find reasons to smile and reasons to laugh. I set aside this moment to thank Yahusha for your time and your lives flourishing. 💕 thank you Yahusha!

It’s coming soon, and I can feel the strings of sorrow beginning to emerge from under my skin… like the webblings of veins being tugged loose from a nerve center.

I don’t know what I will feel this year.

My removal surgery has greatly affected my mental health this year. I can only imagine the amount of sorrow and grief my heart will experience as Mother’s Day is celebrated by the nations. As stupid as it is, I find it difficult to let go of that day because of all of my losses – I grew up in the nations with that day being a big reminder of motherhood and all things that I aspired to one day have. And now that my ovaries are gone… I will no longer biologically be able to produce my own children anymore. And that has a devastating toll on me.

I know I shouldn’t even count it as one of my days or give it a passing thought… but it always reminds me of the children I’ve carried in my womb. And all the little lives that are sleeping with their Father having been spared the shock of this world…. I should be grateful. I should ignore that day just like any other day… I should… I should I should. but how can I?

My heart is already in mourning and bitter anticipation of such a trainwreck of a day coming up on the calendar.

I am still not feeling 100%, and my level reports aren’t evening out like we hoped. I am still scheduled so far for another surgery and resuming treatment as soon as possible.

My body has been left in shambles with the first two. I am re-adjusting to new medications and feeling the zaps of the old and they hurt a lot more than I remembered. I feel like a zombie most of the time if I am being 100% honest. My bones feel like they were liquified when on my treatments and they are now re-solidifying off of them… so the growing pains are pretty intense. I spend much of my day bed bound and reading since that’s the only activity that doesn’t require too much energy. I counted – I am up to 7 translations of the Scriptures physically.

My memory is failing a little more but that’s to be expected. So I am writing my blog posts and notes to myself all over my walls. How can I expect anyone else to remember me if most of the time I can’t remember me? I guess that’s why this blog is so important to me – recording that I existed somewhere. My journey with Yahusha, and my cancerous trek across the healthcare industry… something.

Psalms 66:16-20 came to mind this morning.

Come and hear, all ye that fear ELOHIYM, and I will declare what he has done for my soul. I cried unto him with my mouth, and he was extolled with my tongue. If I regard iniquity in my heart, ADONAI will not hear me: But truly ELOHIYM has heard me; he has attended to the voice of my prayer. Blessed be ELOHIYM, which has not turned away my prayer, nor his mercy from me. TEHILLIYM (PSALMS) 66:16-20 את

CEPHER Translation

Iniquity as a definition below.

Noun: iniquity; plural noun: iniquities

  1. immoral or grossly unfair behavior

But truly ELOHIYM has heard me; he has attended to the voice of my prayer.” – I need only remind myself that my prayers have been heard by my Father. I may feel like I am failing but He is watching over me. Yahusha is with me during my pains and holding my hand when I am alone and afraid. Yahusha is with me while I cry. Yahusha is with me just as the morning comes day after day – He is with me.

Let the whole world praise our Yahuah, sing His praises along the winds from nation to nation. Let Yahuah see it fit to heal my broken heart and my shattered spirits.

Another report of unwellness but it is no matter… soon, Yah will come to my side to collect me and I will have forgotten all the pain of this world in the everlasting love of the next.

I think of my daughter as I look at the date, and I think of all the children that were taken from me prematurely. I feel the ache of the surgical scars in my abdomen that condemned any further seed from sprouting from my vine. I try to understand that maybe it was all for the best and try to ease the searing shots of pain from my heart. I try to understand things as best I can. I try to not lean only on my understanding but to remedy my heart with the words of praises. Sometimes though I just feel incredibly hollow and it makes me feel ashamed.

No one told me this would be the result of a life of torment. But here we are. I’m not doing too well but I am trying…. still. I can hear the ticking of the clock louder than before and I try not to turn around to face it dead-center. I try to just keep looking forward.

Yahuah, please guide me in the way only You can ask me to go. Please deviate me from my desires and heal the wounds of my heart. I thank You for bringing me to this day and celebrate the idea of reunification. I look to the morning, my namesake, and continue to try to ignore the foreboding night that threatens to encase me.

Firstly, thank you to all of my followers~! I’m so excited to have you with me on this crazy journey!

Cancer has been a moving experience. I will never understand how much I’ve changed in this year. I am continually growing and finding new ways to exist. I am learning. I am adapting. I am trying my hardest to navigate these stormy waters.

Yahuah has been my stronghold in these times of insanity. I’ve been constantly disappointed in the hearts of humans and uplifted in the Glory of Yahusha. I’m still alone a year later but I’m becoming used to the stinging. It’s become a calloused wound that’s sometimes gives me pain but otherwise exists.

Yahuah has certainly brought me a mountain to overcome. How am I going to fair against this? It has been said it will capsize my small boat and throw me to the depths of the icy waters of death. If that may be so, may Yahuah be esteemed in my final hours.

I’m alone and I’m scared. I think it’s okay to admit that. I’m not any superhuman that has emotional strength of an invincible being… Just because I had the emotional durability doesn’t mean you should have dragged me through this kind of pain. But Yah will eventually see my efforts and smile. That’s all that I can hope for.

I reflect on my future and I sigh. Things changed so drastically. I am trying to be a better person with the energy I am given. My Mountain threatens to send me cascading over the edges every moment.

HalaluYahuah I will face this cancerous mountain. I will fight until I can’t anymore. Until Yah has called me home.

May Yahuah smile upon your spirit today. We are walking in His image! Let us be grateful and wonderful children today and all days of our lives.

Today I am brought to this passage after Sedar and I exalt my Yahuah and my heart blesses those around me. This pain is only temporary but the praise will be forever! HalaluYahuah!

HalaluYahuah! I am here arrived at my first qdsh week, my first of a lifetime of Spring Feasts!

I am so thrilled to have made it this far in my journey – in May it will be a year that I vowed my life to keeping the Command of Yahuah. How the time flies!

I am grateful that I am allowed this time to get to know our Father, His words, and our Brother’s shining example of excellence.

This blog post is an emotional one for me. I am full of smiles that our Father has given to me, I am free of toxicity, but I am also full of tumors. I give my voice to my Father that He may find it in His heart to guide me along my way to His side, that He may see my repentance and the ridding of the forsaken from my heart and my mind, and that He may correct those that do wrong across the nations.

He is coming, and He is all powerful.

Yahuah, may we learn from Your words and may we all bow our knees to You. I am truly happy that Your guidance has brought me to this place in my life where You allow me to serve You. May I make You smile, as I am Always trying to do!

That’s all the energy I have for now. 🙂 I will write more as I am inspired.

Today I write my notes on Humility, using my method of scripture study in order to read and help digest Philippians 2:7.

I am excited today that my handwriting has improved so much. I am now writing with my left hand in order to help combat essential tremors in my right hand predominantly. I think my handwriting has come out looking great over the many months of practice!!

Humility has different meanings to everyone. What one may view as humbling another many not. And that’s okay. You don’t need to agree to a universal. It’s difficult to accept that because the Scriptures are universal in themselves inherently. The people are divided and conquered by these differing methodologies unfortunately – but the principle of humbling oneself is one of the most common written about in the Scriptures. It’s easy to say that humbling is between oneself and Yahuah, but in the end that’s what it boils down to.

Yahuah truly searches the heart and knows the mind beyond even our own understanding. If we make others more important than ourselves, then we humble. For my own journey, humbling and crumbling often weigh the same amount of grain on the scales. It’s hard to accept that what we need for ourselves isn’t what others need for their own lives – we’re taught to help soothe pains in our hearts in order to heal and let go of things. That’s a principle I’ve held to – in order to properly let go, I need to hear certain phrases or be apologized to or take charge of speaking up for myself. After years of being silenced I found a voice and I intend to use it in order to allow myself power over the feelings that rot holes in my chest.

I am important and I am valid as a daughter in the eyes of Yahuah. I don’t want to let anyone rule over what my heart has and has not done, only Yahusha. I make my spirituality a vital aspect of my ruling life these days but I do not boast about it because I want to remain as humble as I can. I will freely speak on the subject when it is brought to me but I will go no further than I am invited because we are not meant to throw our pearls before the nations that would sooner crush them or cash them in for their own greed.

Humility is a lesson I am continually learning. Cancer has broken me down in ways that I never thought I could undergo. I have been humbled by ovarian cancer and it’s helped me to go to appointments and empathize with other people a lot better than I used to be able to.

I want to continually update this kind of post with new lessons because I believe humility is something we are always learning and always trying to perfect as we go along. So I will make this into a multiple update post. 🙂

It’s another day of recovery, praise Yah.

As I weed through the memories that I need to forsake and remove from my heart, I think on the practice of removing this physical leaven from my life. I think on the spiritual level.

With cancer life gets full of unnecessary negativity. It becomes suffocating and hard to wade through. I held tightly to promises that I shouldn’t have that were made at the beginning of my diagnosis because I wanted desperately to believe I wasn’t alone… though, in the end, those promises were ultimately hollow.

I work through my grief in different ways depending on the subject. As I gear up to celebrate my FIRST set of Spring Feasts, I am reflecting on my year. Cancer has been one hell of a journey so far. I am scared and I am trying my best to mourn the person I wanted to be as effectively as possible. What this means looks different to everyone (according to the doctor), but it’s important that I reflect so that I can move forward.

People who don’t understand the pains and loneliness that cancer and sickness bring are often on a different timeline of grieving than we are. They expect us to get over and past things that they’ve already grieved themselves quicker than we realistically can. But piles of emotional problems and doctor’s visits alongside managing everyone else’s reactions to your cancer are not things they see on the daily end.

We can’t move past things sometimes because we’re busy moving past and mourning other things, bigger things, than ourselves.

My body is weak and so is my heart sometimes, most times. I am trying to press forward and beyond this time in my life but the weight of cancerous tumors drags me to the back of the line oftentimes. I want to get on the same timeline as everyone else but I simply can’t do it. I can keep trying or I can accept the timeline that Yahuah has given to me instead.

My heart is not as clean as I’d like it to be before the Spring feasts, but my spirit is trying harder than it has ever tried to get closer to Him. I want Him to smile at the world and see that there is still some good left here.

Let no one tell you that you’re not doing good enough, that you’re not working along to their timeline. Let NO ONE command you except for Yahuah, Yahusha, and our Ruach. If you submit your apologies and your repentance, let it be to Yah. No man should command your heart or your healing to go in the way they want it to go. If you’re still healing and mourning the loss of a loved one, then mourn and heal on your timeline! They cannot live that pain for you, they can only watch and complain from the sidelines.

Only Yah searches the hearts and knows the souls of His followers.

This weekend was difficult, but much will come from it. I finally stood up for myself against one of my most painful memories and ultimately am better for it despite my pain.

Timelines are tragedies in their own rights. I don’t believe that there are true timelines we are meant to follow. I am trying my hardest to finish my own time in my own way, healing as best I can before Yah comes to my side to take me. I am working through my emotions and my pains. I am trying to make Him smile.

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the reign of the heavens. (MT 5:3)