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Yahuah Reigns, Yahusha Saves!

Posts tagged yahusha

Today’s reading comes at the eve before my hysterectomy.

Overwhelming fear has shot my nerves and my heart. I am trying to read the Scriptures to calm myself down but my hands are too shaky. So, instead I am packing up things and trying to get my mind off of everything with the humdrum of routine.

Am I to go for You? I willingly submit myself to Your desires, Father, I shout “Here I am!” Though I try my hardest to be cleansed and prepared for Your loving hand I am still afraid that I am not good enough in the back of my heart. My anxiety gnaws and gnashes its teeth at me. I bite my cheeks and draw blood. (A newer habit formed to release some of my pent up energies, though not the healthiest.)

Ready or not I have to be ready for the journey that awaits me in every sense of the word – the physical drive, the mental route, and the emotional toils. I’ve been mourning my ovaries still and now it’s time for my uterus to go too. A tiny part of my heart whispers I’ll never be happy again. My hands tremor so much I dropped my coffee cup this morning. A huge part of me doesn’t want to go. It feels like I am walking to the electric chair, taking the long stroll down to the end of the world. The end of my world, my desires being ripped out by the careful instruments of robotics today.

The end result is I am afraid. I never liked to be afraid, I am a machine when it comes to emotional turmoil. I kept my head above water for other disgusting violences… but this is somehow different. I know what I am walking into and I know my biology/body will be forever altered. My vine will no longer produce fruits of the womb. I wince when I think of the term, “bearing good fruits” because I always took it to mean that we bear children, our good fruits, and the ones who couldn’t and who bore bad fruits were burned. I understand it’s a faulty interpretation… but I have a pained heart recalling those verses.

It shouldn’t be a matter right? I know my Father is watching over me. I know all is according to His timing. I wish I had someone to talk to about this right now. I wish I had a hug. I’m trembling off and on. I like to pretend I am doing okay and I can handle all this though the truth of the matter is that I am a scared little mouse in the jaws of a murder machine, at the mercy of people I’ve never met before.

I have my bag packed and unpacked and packed again. Is my entire life going to be stuffed into this backpack, the final items I’ll be found with? I’m overthinking again. Will they just throw them out because I have no next of kin, just like my ashes? I hope they give my teddy bear to someone who needs him.

I’m rambling but I think that that’s what I’ll do before I get going. Just ramble and ramble my anxieties into this blog because that’s what it’s meant for. To have a record of my life that I can shakily write my fears and dreams. Yahusha will guide me of that I am sure. I am a timid person attempting to stand in the way of the worst thing that I ever believed that could ever happen to me. In the back of my ears I hear him telling me I fucked up, I hear I’ll never have this, I hear you’re a terrible mom, I hear all the things that foretold this moment. This horrible, terrifying, all encompassingly dreadful surgery. I never wanted my paranoia, my loathsome fears, to be true. I never wanted them all to be right.

I’m packing up the things I need, and I am jittery with worry.

I have the strangest of feelings. I don’t know why I feel like things are going to end so quickly. I don’t know how to best prepare for that kind of thing you know? I am packing socks and tie up pajama pants with loose and breathable fabric. A teddy bear for cuddle company. My Scriptures for safe guarding my spirit.

I’m just probably overthinking things. Today was an odd feeling.. Today was a very displaced one. I read all day and rested my body. I felt an unusual disconnect honestly. I don’t know where the anxiety came from. I guess it’s pretty typical to get major freak-outs the last weekend before major body surgery.

Thank you Yahuah for the blessings only You can bring to my heart. Thank You for the strength and understanding to walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death. I will fear no evil. Thank You.. though I don’t deserve the love You give me, I thank you over and over for it. I will sing Your name for the rest of my life.

Home is a sensation more than it is a physical place. I was moved a few times in my short life from area to area but the ranch lands always stuck like a sore thumb in the backgrounds. I grew up in the sunflower fields and corn stalks. I played in the plowed soil. Land was plenty and houses were still far away from our ranch.

I went to the place I last thought of as my childhood home and found it achingly empty. So I stood in the plowed fields and wept. Home was gone. The places I thought of as a home base for my wild spirit had evaporated like a puddle in the scorching sun. Just when I broke and needed it the most, needed the weathered window panes and comforting yelps of the dogs… it was FOR SALE BY OWNER.

I cried for who knows how long. Time in the fields is ruled by the path of the sunlight and my eyes were too watery to watch it glazing by in the sky. Home is a sensation, a piece of your heart that continually changes to set the pace of your life. Where was home for me now…? My childhood was up for sale yet again and vacant. It’s familiar sounds were all muted and strange.

I walked along the dirt road as far as my feet would take me. The fields were bare due to the heat and lack of service by experienced farm hands since COVID19 had swept the nation. The smell was stale soil and thickly humid air. Where was my home? Where would I come and share moments of comfort and familiarity now? I didn’t realize how much I’d missed my living room couch and my oddly painted walls. Where was home now?

I knelt in the dirt and I prayed my heart to Yahuah to help me find my answers. I felt like a little lost balloon, bopping and weaving between the clouds… ready to descend and die any moment the wind changed.

For the last year my heart has been with Yah, learning and rediscovering new and strange parts of myself that I’d forgotten or neglected. I’d obeyed His laws and observed His feasts. The answer was incredibly simple: My home was Yahuah. My familiarity was Yahusha. No longer would I be tied down to a physical location of my biological birth… no, the cords had been severed and my body free-fell aimlessly headlong into cancerous care and sickened injections. But the death of my family home meant the birth of my REAL Parent’s home. my Father’s Wakened World that lay ahead in the plowed fields just out of finger’s reach.

This ranchland had always been my skin and my flesh. The live stock were always my blood and my routine was my muscle… the morning ambling from shed to shed to let them all out to pasture, milk, feed, wash, dry, repeat. From the time I was a child, I was un chica de granja, My family worked the orchards and I picked the oranges and cotton buds right alongside them. I was taught how to filet fishes, tame and break horses, ride bareback and saddled, butcher and skin the various livestock… I learned it all. These were my vital organs for so long.

But now, my organs were pitted with alien speckles and growths. My hometown was no longer mine… and it felt freeing. I was free from the sexism, the racism, the pain and violence it all bore upon me. Though… it would never erase the memories and scars my hometown had left decades earlier…. it was a new start to continue to seek Yahuah’s love. He removed the familiar to make room for the Fresh, the Wakening, all that He provided.

The world is violent and it is terrifying. I’ve lived through disgusting acts besotted upon my being and my bones. But Yahuah is here to take that all away from me and to gift me with the World should I earn my place in it.

Obey His commands, Seek His heart, Love Him entirely with your soul and your being. Love Him always above anything and anyone else.

That’s what I’d learned this past year and I’d done my absolute best to stay with it. The world’s violences threaten me constantly with new tumors and news that breaks my spirit down over and over again… but I try to get back up as often and quick as I can.

But the time is coming and I know it deep inside of my core. The time is coming to go Home. I don’t want to look at it in the face because it’s a terrifying ordeal to transition through…. but it’s there. The clock is ticking faster and faster and it’s replaced the beat of my heart. The time is coming to go Home. I knelt in the soil and felt it slip past my fingers as I fumbled with the uneven terrain. I let it all go. He wanted me Home soon. And I’d give myself over to His will because that was the right thing to do.

Home is a sensation, a comfort that we seek in times of crisis. Mine was no longer of this earth, of this violent reality, but something and someOne greater than anything this reality could ever provide. Home was Yahuah. Home IS Yahuah. And I wish that so many people could see that, maybe then they’d learn to love one another and fear His Name. How much I’d wanted to share what I’d learned about His love… but no one listened. The nurses did, kindly, let me rattle on and on. One even read the Scriptures to me while I rested my head during an infusion. But the world wasn’t ready for His heart yet.

Home is where your heart is. My heart is with Yah… I felt the wind press through the bald patches in my hair. Home was not cancer, nor the treatment center, nor the hospital that I’d come to know so well. My abdomen ached. I had been here before, years back, and I wondered how far the progression of my cancer had been when I’d last been sitting on this field. I stared at the flat earth that encircled me with distant trucks and plows and tractors lazily bustling by. And it all felt too alien.

No…. no longer was this my home. This town that had raped and pillaged my innocence. This violent and terrible bubble of a world that had condoned my beatings and my submission to a man unkind and unruly. Though I loved these fields and these ranch lands, it no longer felt like my heart’s sensation of home. It felt so freeing to stand in that soil and take one last look around. I wiped the earth from my knees and I thanked Yahuah for His words in my spirit.

No longer would I ever venture back here. It was no longer of any importance to me… no longer of any use. It was no longer my home.

Today was an exhausting and trying day. I don’t feel ready to face anything so I am finding myself hiding more and more from myself. Though… you can’t hide from yourself and your own body.

Depleted. I feel depleted. I knew there was going to be bad news. I’m alone facing the news and the fears, the tidal pool of depressive downs… everything. I understand why but it doesn’t make it much easier.

The reality of cancer is depletion and decay.

The reality of the attempt of my life hasn’t faded and won’t fade away. I feel this is punishment for that attempt and I’m understanding of it. I’m still alone and I still want to be hugged. Everything is a blur of activity but I feel like a hollow little ghost amidst it all… barely existing, barely moving, barely anything. A wisp of a girl that … just can’t feel anything other than fatigue.

Yahuah sends the waves that knock us over, and He sends the calmest of waters. I’m waiting for my calm waters. I’m praying my hardest to find the guidance that I need and the strength to pursue the Truth.

Have I lost my light? Yahusha please find my voice… I feel like I’ve lost it to my body’s vicious cycle of altered “renewal”.

Lean not on your own understanding… someone commented this on my last post and I needed it to keep myself together. I read all of your responses and I am grateful for your words of encouragement. Thank you for them.

I am thankful today for the sacrifices made by my elder Brother. For all that He has done for my life, I want to sit and be still. I want to thank Yahusha for all He sees fit to help me accomplish.

Today I sit outside and reflect on my scriptures. I am shamed of my crookedness that has caused my Yahusha so much problems trying to help me fix… But I am grateful for His work.

Smile today my friends because it is Shabbat and it is a day to set apart for the love of our Yah.

I pray for you all and that you all find your cleansing. I pray that you find reasons to smile and reasons to laugh. I set aside this moment to thank Yahusha for your time and your lives flourishing. 💕 thank you Yahusha!

It’s coming soon, and I can feel the strings of sorrow beginning to emerge from under my skin… like the webblings of veins being tugged loose from a nerve center.

I don’t know what I will feel this year.

My removal surgery has greatly affected my mental health this year. I can only imagine the amount of sorrow and grief my heart will experience as Mother’s Day is celebrated by the nations. As stupid as it is, I find it difficult to let go of that day because of all of my losses – I grew up in the nations with that day being a big reminder of motherhood and all things that I aspired to one day have. And now that my ovaries are gone… I will no longer biologically be able to produce my own children anymore. And that has a devastating toll on me.

I know I shouldn’t even count it as one of my days or give it a passing thought… but it always reminds me of the children I’ve carried in my womb. And all the little lives that are sleeping with their Father having been spared the shock of this world…. I should be grateful. I should ignore that day just like any other day… I should… I should I should. but how can I?

My heart is already in mourning and bitter anticipation of such a trainwreck of a day coming up on the calendar.

I am still not feeling 100%, and my level reports aren’t evening out like we hoped. I am still scheduled so far for another surgery and resuming treatment as soon as possible.

My body has been left in shambles with the first two. I am re-adjusting to new medications and feeling the zaps of the old and they hurt a lot more than I remembered. I feel like a zombie most of the time if I am being 100% honest. My bones feel like they were liquified when on my treatments and they are now re-solidifying off of them… so the growing pains are pretty intense. I spend much of my day bed bound and reading since that’s the only activity that doesn’t require too much energy. I counted – I am up to 7 translations of the Scriptures physically.

My memory is failing a little more but that’s to be expected. So I am writing my blog posts and notes to myself all over my walls. How can I expect anyone else to remember me if most of the time I can’t remember me? I guess that’s why this blog is so important to me – recording that I existed somewhere. My journey with Yahusha, and my cancerous trek across the healthcare industry… something.

Psalms 66:16-20 came to mind this morning.

Come and hear, all ye that fear ELOHIYM, and I will declare what he has done for my soul. I cried unto him with my mouth, and he was extolled with my tongue. If I regard iniquity in my heart, ADONAI will not hear me: But truly ELOHIYM has heard me; he has attended to the voice of my prayer. Blessed be ELOHIYM, which has not turned away my prayer, nor his mercy from me. TEHILLIYM (PSALMS) 66:16-20 את

CEPHER Translation

Iniquity as a definition below.

Noun: iniquity; plural noun: iniquities

  1. immoral or grossly unfair behavior

But truly ELOHIYM has heard me; he has attended to the voice of my prayer.” – I need only remind myself that my prayers have been heard by my Father. I may feel like I am failing but He is watching over me. Yahusha is with me during my pains and holding my hand when I am alone and afraid. Yahusha is with me while I cry. Yahusha is with me just as the morning comes day after day – He is with me.

Let the whole world praise our Yahuah, sing His praises along the winds from nation to nation. Let Yahuah see it fit to heal my broken heart and my shattered spirits.

Another report of unwellness but it is no matter… soon, Yah will come to my side to collect me and I will have forgotten all the pain of this world in the everlasting love of the next.

I think of my daughter as I look at the date, and I think of all the children that were taken from me prematurely. I feel the ache of the surgical scars in my abdomen that condemned any further seed from sprouting from my vine. I try to understand that maybe it was all for the best and try to ease the searing shots of pain from my heart. I try to understand things as best I can. I try to not lean only on my understanding but to remedy my heart with the words of praises. Sometimes though I just feel incredibly hollow and it makes me feel ashamed.

No one told me this would be the result of a life of torment. But here we are. I’m not doing too well but I am trying…. still. I can hear the ticking of the clock louder than before and I try not to turn around to face it dead-center. I try to just keep looking forward.

Yahuah, please guide me in the way only You can ask me to go. Please deviate me from my desires and heal the wounds of my heart. I thank You for bringing me to this day and celebrate the idea of reunification. I look to the morning, my namesake, and continue to try to ignore the foreboding night that threatens to encase me.

Firstly, thank you to all of my followers~! I’m so excited to have you with me on this crazy journey!

Cancer has been a moving experience. I will never understand how much I’ve changed in this year. I am continually growing and finding new ways to exist. I am learning. I am adapting. I am trying my hardest to navigate these stormy waters.

Yahuah has been my stronghold in these times of insanity. I’ve been constantly disappointed in the hearts of humans and uplifted in the Glory of Yahusha. I’m still alone a year later but I’m becoming used to the stinging. It’s become a calloused wound that’s sometimes gives me pain but otherwise exists.

Yahuah has certainly brought me a mountain to overcome. How am I going to fair against this? It has been said it will capsize my small boat and throw me to the depths of the icy waters of death. If that may be so, may Yahuah be esteemed in my final hours.

I’m alone and I’m scared. I think it’s okay to admit that. I’m not any superhuman that has emotional strength of an invincible being… Just because I had the emotional durability doesn’t mean you should have dragged me through this kind of pain. But Yah will eventually see my efforts and smile. That’s all that I can hope for.

I reflect on my future and I sigh. Things changed so drastically. I am trying to be a better person with the energy I am given. My Mountain threatens to send me cascading over the edges every moment.

HalaluYahuah I will face this cancerous mountain. I will fight until I can’t anymore. Until Yah has called me home.

May Yahuah smile upon your spirit today. We are walking in His image! Let us be grateful and wonderful children today and all days of our lives.

Today I am brought to this passage after Sedar and I exalt my Yahuah and my heart blesses those around me. This pain is only temporary but the praise will be forever! HalaluYahuah!

HalaluYahuah! I am here arrived at my first qdsh week, my first of a lifetime of Spring Feasts!

I am so thrilled to have made it this far in my journey – in May it will be a year that I vowed my life to keeping the Command of Yahuah. How the time flies!

I am grateful that I am allowed this time to get to know our Father, His words, and our Brother’s shining example of excellence.

This blog post is an emotional one for me. I am full of smiles that our Father has given to me, I am free of toxicity, but I am also full of tumors. I give my voice to my Father that He may find it in His heart to guide me along my way to His side, that He may see my repentance and the ridding of the forsaken from my heart and my mind, and that He may correct those that do wrong across the nations.

He is coming, and He is all powerful.

Yahuah, may we learn from Your words and may we all bow our knees to You. I am truly happy that Your guidance has brought me to this place in my life where You allow me to serve You. May I make You smile, as I am Always trying to do!

That’s all the energy I have for now. 🙂 I will write more as I am inspired.